2 Years Post Surgery...A Reflection

Two years ago I woke up from the surgery that forever changed my life. (Although on social media I posted that it was three years ago only to be corrected by my sister who remembers e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g - thanks Laur!)

When I discovered my septate hymen in 2009, I let it define who I was. I kept it a secret and internalized a lot of really negative thoughts I had about my body and who I was as a woman. It is during the teenage years that we are the most insecure so needless to say, my septate hymen became one of my biggest insecurities. Luckily, it was something I could hide from everyone.

My insecurity led to the belief that I was defective as a woman and that no one would ever want to be with me. As a result, I kind of hid from guys. I admired guys from afar but made no attempts to talk to them because that would lead to feelings and potentially a relationship which over time, would reveal my secret.

By the time I moved to college, a lot of my insecurities were put on the back burner so I could enjoy the college experience. Unfortunately they were brought to the surface again when I met a guy in November. He was interested in me and I reciprocated that interest and we began a very informal relationship. Things fell apart before he found out about my septate hymen but all along, I knew it was something I wasn't going to tell him. Like, I knew it would have been a deal breaker. Isn't that sad?

By defining ourselves by our sexuality we devalue who we are as people. For so many years I defined myself by what I was physically able to do in a relationship. I knew I was more than that but because I was physically different than other girls, I let a piece of tissue define who I was.

Meeting Jesse allowed me to escape my insecurity and shatter the way I defined myself. The fact that I had a septate hymen was never an issue for him. When he found out, he actually researched it while I was in class so he could understand what it was and what needed to be done to have it removed. He was there every step of the way and I am forever grateful for his support and constant love.

It's crazy to think that it's almost been a year since my episode aired on MTV's Virgin Territory, The night it aired was one of the most magical and exciting nights of my life. The support I've received and the girls that I've been able to help through this experience have made every setback in the process worth it. It's insane how one little piece of tissue has changed my life.

Hello, Adulthood.

I spent most of my senior year of high school terrified of the life that awaited post-graduation. I equated the acquisition of a high school diploma with the beginning of adulthood - a world I felt unprepared for. High school does a terrible job of preparing you to take on adulthood. Time is spent on SAT strategies, AP classes, and extracurriculars-slash-resume-builders because let's be real, no one is a member of National Honor Society, Mathletes, and Key Club without an ulterior motive (i.e. admission into college). The stress got to me so much that I ended up taking a year off after my senior year until I was ready to go to college.

Even as a college freshman, I didn't feel any closer to the ever-approaching world of adulthood as I did in high school. If anything, I took two steps backward my freshman year. Influences around me unfortunately led me to act really childish and immature. I pretend the first half of that school year didn't even exist.

I've come to realize that there isn't a moment that defines the start of adulthood. Growing up, I expected there to be an obvious sign or an 'Aha!' moment as Oprah would say. There never was. Suddenly, I found myself living with my boyfriend, paying bills, buying groceries, and working multiple jobs to make ends meet. Sure, I feel like an adult but I also feel like a kid who has adult responsibilities. Despite this contradiction, I've realized that there are some drastic changes between the thinking of high school me and adult me. Buckle up, it's about to get really deep.

1. The importance of family. My family has always been supportive of everything that I do which sadly, not everyone has. I am beyond blessed to have parents who work so hard and who care so much about my sister and I. Living four hours from my parents and over 24 from my sister is definitely difficult at times. Luckily, we make time for visits and because our visits never really last more than a few days, every moment is precious. Even when my family is gone, I can still feel their support and strength from miles away.
2. Life is short. The older I get the more I am realizing how short life really is. At this point in my life, I've lost family members, pets, and peers whose losses have all illustrated that life eventually comes to an end. I may only be 22 years old, but I'm trying to live in every moment and not waste time on the things that don't matter because life is too short to not be happy.
3. Change is, and forever will be, happening all around us. Lots of people fear change even though it happens every day. You could do the exact same things at the exact same times each day and the calendar still changes. The traditions that our parents raised us with always seemed to be cast in stone but there comes a time when even those most precious traditions are broken. Is it weird not being home for Thanksgiving? Maybe Christmas? Sure, but that's life. I never in a million years expected to be where I am in life but I'm embracing it because change doesn't have to be a bad thing.
4. Stop and smell the flowers. Seriously. As a twenty-first century child, I live life plugged in to many different devices and platforms. This goes along with #2, but I've realized how important it is to cherish all of those little beautiful things Mother Nature has created. I try to have at least one "pause" per day. What do I mean by pause? Take one minute, or five, heck, even ten minutes just to look around you. Look up at the sky. Take in your surroundings. Smell the flowers! Every morning on my 4:30am drive to work, I get to see the beginnings of the sunrise which has literally taken my breath away on multiple occasions. Life gets so busy sometimes and it's important to just pause once in a while. 
5. Ow! My legs! Okay, okay, so I'm sure this one will give me a laugh in twenty years when I reeeally start getting pains but I swear, I have them now! Laying on the ground all contorted isn't as easy as it was five years ago. Seriously how is that possible?! I'm sore. I'm in bed by 9pm. What is happening to me?!?!?

Entering into adulthood is a really strange transformation. Suddenly, cupcakes for breakfast are as appealing as staying up all night at a sleepover party. Painting your nails neon pink looks obnoxious and conversations about debt, loans, and payments become part of your daily vocabulary. Maybe your hair starts thinning, or turns grey, or falls out. There's pressure to go see a doctor just to make sure your body isn't planning a mutiny against you. Summer vacation is no longer for lazy days of reading in the backyard...it's for saving up as much money as you possibly can so that you can attempt to pay off some of your *gulp* college loans. Meanwhile you will still feel like a kid and unfortunately, some adults will treat you as though you are inadequate because of your youthfulness.

I'm gonna end this by saying that Jesse and I went to go buy beer on two separate occasions this week and didn't get carded either time. Yikes. Hello, adulthood.