First Week Reflection!

The first week of senior year a.k.a. the last first week of school I'll ever have (*sniff*) is officially over and boy, am I tired! I'm trying not to think about the fact that this was my "easy" week because everyone knows the first week of college is "sylly week" where classes last as long as it takes to get through the syllabus. Only when you're a senior, "sylly week" is more of a stress week.

I only have 3 classes this semester. You're probably thinking, "that doesn't sound so bad" and you're right, it doesn't. Buuut you have to factor in working 30 hours a week so I can pay for life and 20 additional unpaid (*sniff*) hours a week at my internship. My internship hasn't officially started yet and while I am looking forward to it, part of me is dreading getting up at 4am to work followed by class which is followed by my internship until 6:30. Add a half hour drive to that means getting to my apartment at 7pm, eating/showering/studying/sleeping before repeating that process again the next day.

But this is it. My last year. It really hasn't sunk in yet although it made my heart legitimately ache when I saw freshman with their lanyards around their necks, chatting with each other on their way to lunch/class/the library. Part of me longs for those carefree, wild(cat hehehe) days. The other part of me is over it because let's be real - smuggling Mike's Hard Lemonade up your sweatshirt sleeve to transport it throughout the dorm isn't cool (although the goosebumps on your arms would say otherwise).

I already have more homework than I did my entire freshman year. To be fair, I would have had more homework as a freshman but for some reason didn't really understand that textbooks were meant for reading. Read chapter 3 for homework? COOL! NO HOMEWORK TONIGHT! #smh

I'm going to try and enjoy this last year in between all of the paper writing, studying, planning, and stressing I'll likely be doing. The thought of graduating already gives me the chills and when Angels and Airwaves 'The Adventure' comes on, I get a little teary-eyed.

UNH, there were times where I loved you and times I hated you but you kept me coming back for more (and spending more #DebtTillIDie). I hope you're ready for this last year.

2 Years Post Surgery...A Reflection

Two years ago I woke up from the surgery that forever changed my life. (Although on social media I posted that it was three years ago only to be corrected by my sister who remembers e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g - thanks Laur!)

When I discovered my septate hymen in 2009, I let it define who I was. I kept it a secret and internalized a lot of really negative thoughts I had about my body and who I was as a woman. It is during the teenage years that we are the most insecure so needless to say, my septate hymen became one of my biggest insecurities. Luckily, it was something I could hide from everyone.

My insecurity led to the belief that I was defective as a woman and that no one would ever want to be with me. As a result, I kind of hid from guys. I admired guys from afar but made no attempts to talk to them because that would lead to feelings and potentially a relationship which over time, would reveal my secret.

By the time I moved to college, a lot of my insecurities were put on the back burner so I could enjoy the college experience. Unfortunately they were brought to the surface again when I met a guy in November. He was interested in me and I reciprocated that interest and we began a very informal relationship. Things fell apart before he found out about my septate hymen but all along, I knew it was something I wasn't going to tell him. Like, I knew it would have been a deal breaker. Isn't that sad?

By defining ourselves by our sexuality we devalue who we are as people. For so many years I defined myself by what I was physically able to do in a relationship. I knew I was more than that but because I was physically different than other girls, I let a piece of tissue define who I was.

Meeting Jesse allowed me to escape my insecurity and shatter the way I defined myself. The fact that I had a septate hymen was never an issue for him. When he found out, he actually researched it while I was in class so he could understand what it was and what needed to be done to have it removed. He was there every step of the way and I am forever grateful for his support and constant love.

It's crazy to think that it's almost been a year since my episode aired on MTV's Virgin Territory, The night it aired was one of the most magical and exciting nights of my life. The support I've received and the girls that I've been able to help through this experience have made every setback in the process worth it. It's insane how one little piece of tissue has changed my life.

The Rollercoaster Known as Moving Away to College

It's almost that time of year again. In a few weeks, thousands of newly graduated high schoolers will be moving away to the colleges of their choosing. I can still vividly remember moving into my freshman year dorm and the weeks leading up to the big move. Whether you're moving to college this year or at some point in the near future, this post is for you.

The weeks before moving you will feel excited to start a new chapter of your life. This time is characterized by packing, buying dorm decorations, and searching for that perfect comforter for your new bed. You will fall asleep imagining all of the cool things you're going to try once you move in. This is a blissful time. Enjoy it.

The week before moving in is one of the weirdest weeks you will ever experience. You will feel every emotion possible and dwell on the "lasts." Your last Saturday home. Your last time sleeping in your own bed. Your last trip to Target.This will make you sad even though all Targets pretty much look the same.

The last full day is so emotional it's important to keep busy. Spend the day packing up everything. Try not to dwell on how weird your old room looks now that it's empty. Say your goodbyes to friends, extended family, and neighbors. Most importantly, don't make eye contact with stuffed animals.

The morning of the move, get up and ready as normal but don't dwell on the fact that it'll be your last time getting out of your old bed (until Thanksgiving break anyway) or brushing your teeth in a private bathroom. Say goodbye to your pets (make it quick because tears) and take a deep breath as you walk out of your front door and get into your parents car.

Once you drive away from your home, the worst is already over. Now, you're probably just going to be jittery and anxious. If you're me, you will be so nervous that you will throw up. Hopefully when you arrive at your new school, you will not open your door and accidentally let the bag o' vomit fall out onto the ground right in front of your fellow peers...#TrueStory

Move-in Day: Post Vomit

No matter how nervous you may be, try to embrace the moment. You only get one freshman move-in day so it's important to take it all in. Maybe you won't be nervous. Maybe you'll be excited beyond belief. Like anything, it'll be different for everyone. No matter what happens on move-in day, it'll surely be a day you'll remember for many years to come.

Welcome to college, class of 2019! :)
  

Hello, Adulthood.

I spent most of my senior year of high school terrified of the life that awaited post-graduation. I equated the acquisition of a high school diploma with the beginning of adulthood - a world I felt unprepared for. High school does a terrible job of preparing you to take on adulthood. Time is spent on SAT strategies, AP classes, and extracurriculars-slash-resume-builders because let's be real, no one is a member of National Honor Society, Mathletes, and Key Club without an ulterior motive (i.e. admission into college). The stress got to me so much that I ended up taking a year off after my senior year until I was ready to go to college.

Even as a college freshman, I didn't feel any closer to the ever-approaching world of adulthood as I did in high school. If anything, I took two steps backward my freshman year. Influences around me unfortunately led me to act really childish and immature. I pretend the first half of that school year didn't even exist.

I've come to realize that there isn't a moment that defines the start of adulthood. Growing up, I expected there to be an obvious sign or an 'Aha!' moment as Oprah would say. There never was. Suddenly, I found myself living with my boyfriend, paying bills, buying groceries, and working multiple jobs to make ends meet. Sure, I feel like an adult but I also feel like a kid who has adult responsibilities. Despite this contradiction, I've realized that there are some drastic changes between the thinking of high school me and adult me. Buckle up, it's about to get really deep.

1. The importance of family. My family has always been supportive of everything that I do which sadly, not everyone has. I am beyond blessed to have parents who work so hard and who care so much about my sister and I. Living four hours from my parents and over 24 from my sister is definitely difficult at times. Luckily, we make time for visits and because our visits never really last more than a few days, every moment is precious. Even when my family is gone, I can still feel their support and strength from miles away.
2. Life is short. The older I get the more I am realizing how short life really is. At this point in my life, I've lost family members, pets, and peers whose losses have all illustrated that life eventually comes to an end. I may only be 22 years old, but I'm trying to live in every moment and not waste time on the things that don't matter because life is too short to not be happy.
3. Change is, and forever will be, happening all around us. Lots of people fear change even though it happens every day. You could do the exact same things at the exact same times each day and the calendar still changes. The traditions that our parents raised us with always seemed to be cast in stone but there comes a time when even those most precious traditions are broken. Is it weird not being home for Thanksgiving? Maybe Christmas? Sure, but that's life. I never in a million years expected to be where I am in life but I'm embracing it because change doesn't have to be a bad thing.
4. Stop and smell the flowers. Seriously. As a twenty-first century child, I live life plugged in to many different devices and platforms. This goes along with #2, but I've realized how important it is to cherish all of those little beautiful things Mother Nature has created. I try to have at least one "pause" per day. What do I mean by pause? Take one minute, or five, heck, even ten minutes just to look around you. Look up at the sky. Take in your surroundings. Smell the flowers! Every morning on my 4:30am drive to work, I get to see the beginnings of the sunrise which has literally taken my breath away on multiple occasions. Life gets so busy sometimes and it's important to just pause once in a while. 
5. Ow! My legs! Okay, okay, so I'm sure this one will give me a laugh in twenty years when I reeeally start getting pains but I swear, I have them now! Laying on the ground all contorted isn't as easy as it was five years ago. Seriously how is that possible?! I'm sore. I'm in bed by 9pm. What is happening to me?!?!?

Entering into adulthood is a really strange transformation. Suddenly, cupcakes for breakfast are as appealing as staying up all night at a sleepover party. Painting your nails neon pink looks obnoxious and conversations about debt, loans, and payments become part of your daily vocabulary. Maybe your hair starts thinning, or turns grey, or falls out. There's pressure to go see a doctor just to make sure your body isn't planning a mutiny against you. Summer vacation is no longer for lazy days of reading in the backyard...it's for saving up as much money as you possibly can so that you can attempt to pay off some of your *gulp* college loans. Meanwhile you will still feel like a kid and unfortunately, some adults will treat you as though you are inadequate because of your youthfulness.

I'm gonna end this by saying that Jesse and I went to go buy beer on two separate occasions this week and didn't get carded either time. Yikes. Hello, adulthood.

Juuuuuuuuune Updates!!!

I feel like almost every blog post I write is an update post. I'm going to blame it on a lack of creativity because while I've been really inspired lately, every time I sit down to write a new post I can't. Case in point? I have 12 posts sitting in the draft folder that consist of a few - often misspelled - words (a.k.a. my "professional" outline process). Maybe it's the weather but for whatever reason I haven't been able to get myself to write anything that I'm proud of. I wrote a (PMS-induced) post a few weeks back that sounded really sociopathic so I decided not to post it. So without further adieu, here's another list of life updates!

1. I'm happy to announce that I am currently typing on my newly fixed laptop!!! If you remember, this laptop stopped charging/recognizing the plug in February but I was too poor to fix it and for some reason even when I had the money I kept putting it off. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that the only reason this one is fixed is because my old laptop (Dell circa 2009) is now broken too....oops.

2. For the past few weeks I've been a peer academic advisor for the UNH incoming class. I am absolutely in love with the job and I have no idea what I'm going to do when it's over. Actually, I do know what I'm going to be doing after it's over - working 35 hours a week at Dunks. Yikes.

3. Speaking of Dunks, our new manager begged me to come into work at 5am instead of my usual 6am so that means that every day, I have to get up at 3:45am to get ready. SOS. #NoSleep

4. Summer is going well. Jesse and I both have Sundays off and we're trying to plan fun activities for each week. Last Sunday, we went to a wine tasting which was a lot of fun even though I was totally that girl and accidentally got drunk. #Oops

That pretty much sums it up! I'm really hoping to get some posts up in the next couple weeks about things unrelated to my life updates...Stay tuned!

Cohabitation: What I've Learned After One Year

It's hard to believe that Jesse and I have lived together for an entire year now! It seems like just yesterday we were hauling furniture up the narrow staircase for what seemed like days...something my body still hasn't forgiven me for. But here we are, happily living together in our tiny little haven one year later!

Cohabitation often gets a really bad rap...especially for young couples like us. In many of my classes, we've studied cohabiting couples and the results aren't fantastic. We're talking accidental kids, messy breakups, lack of commitment (a.k.a. marriage never happens), etc. Moving in together after being together for a little over a year raised many eyebrows I'm sure. Buuuuut here I am one year later not pregnant, still with Jesse, and moving towards a future together (take THAT statistics)!

Here's a list of what I've learned after my first year of cohabiting!

1. It's expensive! Living in a dorm for 2 years didn't prepare me for the financial expenses I faced this past year. When I knew Jesse and I were going to move in together, I saved every penny I had and it still wasn't enough. Cohabiting is waaaay cheaper than living in the dorms (I'm saving $30,000 just because I'm not living in the dorms for my last 2 years of college) but paying out of pocket for groceries, toiletries, furniture, rent, and utilities does drain the bank account pretty quickly.
2. Chores and general daily tasks will consume most of your free time. When I first met Jesse we always had time to watch movies or go to a game at school. Now it seems that if we're not in class we're doing schoolwork and if we're not doing either of those things then we're preparing dinner, eating, cleaning, or sleeping. We usually use dinner time as "catch up" time because our schedules are pretty opposite.
3. We all have our quirks. Moving in with Jesse I thought I knew all of his quirks already but I was wrong. Pretty quickly I realized that Jesse has a tendency to leave dirty socks around the apartment and leave the lights on in every room. But I'm sure he doesn't enjoy my piles of rejected outfits stacked on the dresser or the way I arrange the blankets before I go to bed. We're both OCD in our own weird ways - another thing we have in common!
4. Living with your best friend/partner/soul mate is awesome. I never had great experience with roommates in college (I no longer speak or am in contact with either one) so I was excited to move in with Jesse. I love coming home from class knowing that I get to see Jesse and then spending the evening catching up while cooking and eating dinner. The cherry on the cake is getting to snuggle up next to him every night.
5. Changing your residency is actually kinda scary. I surrendered my New York State license and thereby gave up my New York residency as well ten days after moving in with Jesse. I actually ended up getting a tattoo that afternoon because I determined that I always wanted New York to be a part of my life. To this day, I don't feel 100% like a resident of New Hampshire but I've made a lot of progress.
6. Homesickness is still a thing. Last summer was the first summer that I wasn't at home in New York for. I didn't expect it to feel as weird as it did. Honestly as summer began, I constantly asked myself what I was doing living in New Hampshire. I hadn't found my niche and everything seemed so foreign. I visited home quite a bit for the first half of summer but as summer came to a close, I felt more comfortable with my new life and surroundings and I haven't looked back since.
7. Nothing will be as you expect it to be. When I was in high school I thought I had my life figured out. I thought I was going to double major in Hotel Management and Magazine Journalism and live in NYC and become an editor of a magazine for the first half of my life and move to Maine to open a bed and breakfast for the second half. I expected my first apartment would be after I graduated and right smack dab in the middle of NYC. But here I am, sitting in a tiny one bedroom apartment in New Hampshire that I share with my boyfriend. I never expected that this is the path that my life would take but I wouldn't change any part of it for the world. I love my New Hampshire life, I love my school, and I love Jesse. I may not have planned for this life but then again, how can you plan for anything in life?
8. Don't stop loving. It's easy when life gets busy and stressful (those dishes aren't going to do themselves!) to forget why you moved in in the first place. Jesse and I decided the first summer we were together that we would never spend another summer apart. At the time, neither of us knew that that would mean signing a lease together. We signed that lease a year ago because we fell in love with each other and decided that being together was so much better than being apart. Every time I'm feeling overwhelmed, I always think back to how much that first summer sucked and that always puts everything into perspective. Never stop saying 'I love you.'
9. You have to make time for each other. Jesse and I can get really focused on our own lives (classes, projects, jobs) and sometimes fall a little out of touch with what's going on with the other person. Sure, we always catch up and share funny anecdotes about our days but we don't always get into those deep, revealing conversations about how each of us are feeling. Luckily, Jesse and I pretty much know if something's up with the other person and before bed is when we'll really talk it out.
10. Bodily functions are no longer embarrassing. We all know that at the beginning of a relationship you pretend that you don't ever poop. Well, once you move in with someone, you can't really hide any of nature's callings. If you have to poop, you poop. If you have to fart, you fart. However, you will never get away with secretly farting under the covers. You might think that you're getting away with it because it doesn't smell but once someone shifts the covers, consider your cover blown.
11. Nakedness isn't that big of a deal anymore. Being naked when you cohabit doesn't just mean time for sexy time. Last minute outfit changes 30 seconds before you have to catch the bus go from "Ooh la la" to "Hurry up we're going to be late!"
12. IT'S SO MUCH FUN! The best part of living with the person you love is the fact that everything that once seemed so mundane is now fun! Cooking dinner means cooking together! Cleaning up becomes a team effort badly choreographed to music! Plus, you can have sex wherever and whenever you want! Talk about a win-win-win situation!

March 2015 in 60 Seconds

Hiiiiiii guys! Long time no blog...! Like many posts in the past, this is going to be somewhat of a life update seeing as I haven't blogged in over a month!

1. I got another job! I work at Dunkin Donuts which is actually so much fun! It's suuuper fast paced and I get to chat with customers and make drinks and all that jazz! I work about 30 hours a week there and between that, my two other jobs, a full course load and homework I have like ZERO time to do anything! I'll try and get more posts scheduled though!
2. Jesse and I have been living together for a YEAR as of next Wednesday which is crazy because it only seems like it's been a few months. We're renewing our lease and staying here through next May. YAY FOR HAPPY COHABITING COUPLES! I've got a blog post scheduled for the 1st which is a list of everything I've learned after this first year!
3. My school's Spring Break was last week and Jesse and I went to visit his parents in Virginia for half of the week and then to visit my parents in New York for the remainder of the week. I can't tell you how nice it was to have a week off! Jesse and I have pretty opposite schedules but last week we really just got to hang out with each other and our families. I couldn't have asked for a better break! I even took Jesse to New York City which was a lot of fun, too!

Favorite boy, favorite city :)

There you have it - the past month all summed up! The 6'+ of snow we got in New Hampshire has finally started to melt and it seems like Spring is trying her best to make an appearance! This semester is about 2/3 over and then I'm sure I'll have more time for blogging! Until then, I'll do my best to post as often as I can!

-Emily

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

So it's the morning after my episode (also the season finale) of Virgin Territory premiered and despite only getting 5 hours of sleep last night, I'm on top of the world!!! As cheesy as this sounds, I can't even find the right words to describe how I felt last night. It felt like Christmas morning.

This journey started when I was born. Unbeknownst to me or my parents, I would grow up with a rare type of hymen. When I was 16 and found out what it was, I would always ask why I had to be one of few to have been born with a septate hymen. The process to remove it was emotionally taxing and forced me to confront a lot of mental issues I had as a result. I was given the opportunity of a lifetime when MTV called to tell me I was selected for Virgin Territory.

I got so much hate for filming the show. It hurt to have people I called my good friends gossip, spread rumors, and look down on me for being a virgin. I'm happy to report that those people are now removed from my life. Haters are always gonna hate. Or as T. Swift says, "people throw rocks at things that shine."

All I ever wanted out of this show was to help one girl. 5 years ago, I would've loved having someone to look up to who was going through the same things as me. I decided to be that role model and make an example out of myself in the hopes that girls everywhere would feel like they could have someone to look up to and talk to. For everyone else, my goal was to educate the world on an issue some girls face that few people know much about.

I guess the point of this post is to say THANK YOU to all of the people who supported me during the surgery, during the emotional aftermath, during production for the show, and to all of my new followers whose tweets last night made this entire journey worth it.

Thanks to everyone who tweeted their support...especially these guys.

Now for some personal thank yous:

To my mom, I don't think I'll ever be able to truly thank you enough for everything that you've done for me. Knowing that I made you proud means everything to me. Thanks for raising Laura and I to be the strong, confident women we are today.

To my sister, Laura, all of those years playing with dolls I never ever thought I'd have a real life"Bratz Rock Angelz" moment. Thanks for playing along with all of my crazy ideas even though I never finished any of them...We've definitely made the Bratz proud.

To my boyfriend, Jesse, the day I met you I never thought this would be how our lives turned out. Thanks for waiting for me, for pushing me to keep moving forward, and for always caring about me. You are the reason why I even bothered to go to the doctor and have the surgery in the first place.

To Dr. Karen Ruskin, I've already thanked you a million times, but once again, thank you for helping me get through my mental block! If it wasn't for your help, I would still be the same scared girl who you met during my first session.

Flowers from my favorites. :)

For the first time since this journey began, I can finally see the reason for all of this happening. That's my favorite part of life - being able to reflect on the journey and finally see the truth. I wasn't born with a septate hymen because God wanted me to suffer. I was born with a septate hymen so I could someday educate and empower women who were just like me. I feel like I've been handed the key to the world. It's a really cool feeling to know that you are actually impacting lives. I'm incredibly blessed to have been born the way I was and I'm incredibly blessed to have some of my biggest dreams come true. And, of course, I'm so blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. Thank you.

The Little Things (Inspirational Friday)

                I heard a country song the other day that caught me off guard. Sure, living in New Hampshire I’ve gotten accustomed to hearing country music because New Hampshire is a southern state stuck in the north. Songs to me usually have to be catchy and upbeat to hold my attention but something about this song forced me to stop and listen. The chorus goes like this:

                                “You’re gonna miss this

                                 You’re gonna want this back

                                 You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast

                                 These are some good times

                                 So take a good look around

                                 You may not know it now

                                 But you’re gonna miss this”

                I had been having a really stressful week because the bills were piling up, my job search was, well, a search, and the apartment was trashed thanks to all of the stuff we’d just moved from Jesse’s old apartment. I found myself thinking about how someday we’d have a bigger place, more money, etc., when this song, which I had heard earlier in the day popped into my head. It gave me a minute to stop and think about all of the small things that I’m sure I’ll miss in 5, 10, 20, or even 50 years. I’m going to list some of mine below and I encourage you to do the same thing.

1.       Paying for a pizza delivery with loose change.

2.       Signing a lease for our tiny one bedroom apartment.

3.       Slow dancing in the living room to “Give it All We Got Tonight” after a stressful day.

4.       Earning $8 an hour and feeling rich after getting a paycheck.

5.       Wearing my mom’s old black pencil skirt to a job interview.

6.       Working part-time as an assistant and feeling like an adult with a career.

7.       Eating ice cream in bed with my boyfriend, talking about the day and watching Desperate Housewives.

8.       Driving on the highway by myself while singing along to the radio.

9.       Filling up my gas tank for the first time and scoffing at the $35 total.

10.   Hanging out in a male dorm room awkwardly flirting and scandalously sipping Bud Light from a can.

11.   Making out with my boyfriend on his dorm room futon for hours.

12.   Trying out a new recipe for chicken and panicking when smoke poured out of the oven.

13.   Getting ID’ed at a bar.

14.   Fooling around with my boyfriend in the reeds at night on the beach.

15.    The first time any boy ever put his arm around me.

The main takeaway here is to live in the moment and don’t miss the little things. All of the things I just listed didn’t (or don’t) seem important while they were (or are) happening, but looking over this list now I’m realizing how they are the big things. I’m making it my mission to try and live in the moment more. I want to enjoy the little things because as it turns out, they may just be the big things.

First visit? CHECK.

Phew! Well, I can officially say I've survived my first visit to the gynecologist! Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I mean I'm not gonna lie and say it was a walk through the park, but it wasn't the worst thing I've ever done.

Since it was my first visit, I had to do paperwork for a good 10-15 minutes beforehand. My handwriting sucked because I was shaky and nervous. After I filled all of that out, I went into the room with the nurse who took my blood pressure, height, and weight. After that, she left and I had to wait for the doctor. Waiting is the worst part but I got to wait fully clothed, which was quite pleasant. 

Turns out the doctor wasn't there so I had this lesbian nurse/midwife examine me. Honestly, I was super pissed because I told her from the start that I couldn't insert anything (i.e. finger, tampon, penis) and she proceeded to tell me she was going to examine me with a speculum and do a pap smear. I kindly had to remind her that nothing would fit because I tried endlessly with tampons but for whatever reason, she didn't seem to believe me. It actually took her trying to insert a finger and me jumping a foot and a half back in the seat in pain for her to realize that a full exam wasn't gonna happen. If only she had listened in the first place.... 

What also pissed me off was that after many failed attempts at insertion, she asked me if I had ever been abused or raped to which I was like, "Um, no." I was nervous because she was trying to insert huge objects that I told her wouldn't fit and she thought it was because I'd been raped.

She put me on the Pill which I guess was the only real benefit to the exam. I'm only upset because instead of having a surgery scheduled, I have another appointment this time with the REAL doctor. Hopefully she'll be more helpful. I absolutely hate doing things without a purpose so this infuriates me. I just want to be fixed gosh darn it! 

I cried a little earlier because I'm frustrated. Sometimes being a woman really stinks. I just want this to be over not even to have sex or use tampons, just so I don't have to have this hanging over my head anymore. I've known about this problem for 4 years now and ever since, it's always been in the back of my mind.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll visit the gyno tomorrow.

Holy crap I am freaking out even worse than last night if that's possible. I visit the gynecologist for the first time in 12 hours. I've been in the worst mood all day and my heart has been racing. I've wanted to talk to my mom all day and tell her how nervous I am but my sister was around all day, too, so I couldn't. I've been beside myself.

I'm trying to focus on the positives but it's so hard. I just keep saying to myself "be brave, be brave" and I'm hoping I start feeling it. I know I shouldn't be this nervous because it is only a consultation but I guess I'm just scared to bare it all for a stranger. That and the fact that after I walk out of there tomorrow I will have a surgery date scheduled. *deep breath*

Being a girl sucks.

Or, let me rephrase that, being a defective girl sucks.

(P.S. I hope some of you got the Annie reference in the title)

AHHHH I'M FREAKING OUT!!!!!

Okay, okay deep breaths. So it's currently 2:00am and I've been online researching my surgery for the past few hours. I texted my boyfriend earlier being all hysterical and dramatic. He didn't know why I was freaking out so badly seeing as my consultation isn't even until (technically) tomorrow. But what he, and I'm sure many others, don't understand is that I have extreme anxiety when it comes to doctors. I really can't pinpoint this fear specifically but the thought of the doctor, needles, blood, etc. instantly makes my heart race, my palms sweat, and my body cringe. Which is ironic because here I am, voluntarily going to the gynecologist.

This will be my first visit to the gynecologist and I am nervous for a plethora of reasons. The main one being that a stranger is going to be looking at my vagina. (Um, WHAT?) That alone is freaking me out. People on the web forums I've been religiously reading say it's not that bad but I'm still skeptical. I feel uncomfortable already and I'm fully clothed, curled up in my bed on my laptop.

I keep telling myself to be brave. I'm hoping that I can force myself to think of this as being a positive thing, as the first step to a sexual relationship. I keep telling myself that this will all be worth it soon and that someday I'll laugh...even though the only thing I want to do is scream and cry.

Meet the Virgin

Emily. 20. Virgin.

Hello Internet! First and foremost, I'd like to thank you for clicking on my blog for whatever reason! I'd just like to take a moment to introduce myself. I'm Emily and as you can see above, I'm 20 years old. I'll be a college sophomore year this fall. I'm studying Family Studies and hope to work with preteens/teens someday. As the title of this blog tells you, I am a virgin. I was single all throughout middle and high school but I now have a wonderful boyfriend of 4 months that I met in college. I suppose you're wondering why I'm still a virgin? Well to put it simply, I physically cannot have sex. I was born with an abnormal hymen that requires surgery. I happen to be terrified of doctors, needles, etc. I've decided to document this entire journey in a blog because I want others to learn and be able to be comforted (hopefully) by my adventure.