2 Years Post Surgery...A Reflection

Two years ago I woke up from the surgery that forever changed my life. (Although on social media I posted that it was three years ago only to be corrected by my sister who remembers e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g - thanks Laur!)

When I discovered my septate hymen in 2009, I let it define who I was. I kept it a secret and internalized a lot of really negative thoughts I had about my body and who I was as a woman. It is during the teenage years that we are the most insecure so needless to say, my septate hymen became one of my biggest insecurities. Luckily, it was something I could hide from everyone.

My insecurity led to the belief that I was defective as a woman and that no one would ever want to be with me. As a result, I kind of hid from guys. I admired guys from afar but made no attempts to talk to them because that would lead to feelings and potentially a relationship which over time, would reveal my secret.

By the time I moved to college, a lot of my insecurities were put on the back burner so I could enjoy the college experience. Unfortunately they were brought to the surface again when I met a guy in November. He was interested in me and I reciprocated that interest and we began a very informal relationship. Things fell apart before he found out about my septate hymen but all along, I knew it was something I wasn't going to tell him. Like, I knew it would have been a deal breaker. Isn't that sad?

By defining ourselves by our sexuality we devalue who we are as people. For so many years I defined myself by what I was physically able to do in a relationship. I knew I was more than that but because I was physically different than other girls, I let a piece of tissue define who I was.

Meeting Jesse allowed me to escape my insecurity and shatter the way I defined myself. The fact that I had a septate hymen was never an issue for him. When he found out, he actually researched it while I was in class so he could understand what it was and what needed to be done to have it removed. He was there every step of the way and I am forever grateful for his support and constant love.

It's crazy to think that it's almost been a year since my episode aired on MTV's Virgin Territory, The night it aired was one of the most magical and exciting nights of my life. The support I've received and the girls that I've been able to help through this experience have made every setback in the process worth it. It's insane how one little piece of tissue has changed my life.

Virgin Shaming

As a girl, when it comes to your sexuality, you can never win. You're either too promiscuous or too prude with little room for variation. It's either "She'd do it with anyone" or "When is she going to give it up?" More often, girls are slut-shamed but it's also important to focus on another phenomenon: virgin shaming.

Girls can be virgins for a number of reasons. Maybe they're religious and believe that they have to wait until marriage. Maybe they were born with a hymen that prevents sexual intercourse until surgery is complete. Maybe they're scared to get hurt or just want to wait until they are in love. We need to respect whatever reason a young woman has for being a virgin even though that reason may not be shared publicly.

While I was filming for MTV, my jealous ex-bestie told my entire floor that I was a virgin and that's what MTV was doing in the 3rd floor lounge. I suddenly started reading tweets from people on my floor that I didn't even know calling me "pathetic" "weird" and "attention seeking" because I happened to be a virgin and I happened to be filming for a TV show. Their words weren't what hurt. What hurt was that they were so quick to judge without hearing why I was a virgin. Did they know I had to have surgery? No. Did they know that I had a mental block? No. Ironically, the friend that spread the rumor was also a virgin. #VirginsShamingVirgins

I find it fascinating that we live in a society that is so unaccepting of either side of the spectrum. We cast dirty looks to girls on their walks of shame but we just as equally laugh at awkward couples who still believe in waiting until their wedding night. Where is the happy medium? Why can't girls be accepted whether they choose to sleep with just one guy or twenty-one? More importantly,why do we care?!

Going on MTV to proclaim my virginity was one of those moments you have to embrace because you quickly realize that you are placing yourself on a show that is defining you. Despite having lost my virginity at the end of the show, I'm forever "the girl on that virgin show." Even worse, I continued to be shamed. I stumbled upon a web show that was talking about the finale. It started off innocently enough but soon the hosts started speculating as to why I had stopped filming. "It must have been pretty bad if she didn't want to show her face after..." Yikes.

We've got to stop girls from feeling badly about their sexual experiences. It's hard enough as a girl dealing with body shaming. The last thing we should be doing is belittling another female for what she is or isn't doing with someone. Let's let everyone live their lives the way they choose to. We're all entitled to our own opinions and morals but those should, in no way, be used in an authoritative way. At the end of the day, we never really know the reasons why someone does or doesn't do certain things so before we judge, stop and think about your own reasons as to why you are or aren't a virgin. Remember, at one point, we all were virgins.

Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015!!!

Happy Holidays from Apartment 23!

At the end of each year, I get suuuper nostalgic as I look back on the past year. I always conclude that the past year was the best year of my life and I can never imagine how the next year could possibly top the past year but it always seems to. This year is no different. Here is a list of my top ten favorite moments of 2014!

1. Having my first ever New Year's kiss with Jesse at 12:00:01 AM.
2. Celebrating my 21st birthday at the bar with Jesse by doing shots of Absolut peach. 
3. Reaching the one year milestone with my one and only!
4. Travelling to Disney to see my sister as a castmember.
5. Moving into a tiny one bedroom apartment with Jesse.
6. Surprising my sister in Florida who had absolutely NO IDEA I was coming!
7. Old Orchard Beach 2014♥
8. Watching my episode of MTV's Virgin Territory and live Tweeting.
9. Buying and decorating our first ever Christmas tree while it snowed.
10. Meeting tons of fans after Disney's Frozen on Ice.

2014: My Favorite Moments♥

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

So it's the morning after my episode (also the season finale) of Virgin Territory premiered and despite only getting 5 hours of sleep last night, I'm on top of the world!!! As cheesy as this sounds, I can't even find the right words to describe how I felt last night. It felt like Christmas morning.

This journey started when I was born. Unbeknownst to me or my parents, I would grow up with a rare type of hymen. When I was 16 and found out what it was, I would always ask why I had to be one of few to have been born with a septate hymen. The process to remove it was emotionally taxing and forced me to confront a lot of mental issues I had as a result. I was given the opportunity of a lifetime when MTV called to tell me I was selected for Virgin Territory.

I got so much hate for filming the show. It hurt to have people I called my good friends gossip, spread rumors, and look down on me for being a virgin. I'm happy to report that those people are now removed from my life. Haters are always gonna hate. Or as T. Swift says, "people throw rocks at things that shine."

All I ever wanted out of this show was to help one girl. 5 years ago, I would've loved having someone to look up to who was going through the same things as me. I decided to be that role model and make an example out of myself in the hopes that girls everywhere would feel like they could have someone to look up to and talk to. For everyone else, my goal was to educate the world on an issue some girls face that few people know much about.

I guess the point of this post is to say THANK YOU to all of the people who supported me during the surgery, during the emotional aftermath, during production for the show, and to all of my new followers whose tweets last night made this entire journey worth it.

Thanks to everyone who tweeted their support...especially these guys.

Now for some personal thank yous:

To my mom, I don't think I'll ever be able to truly thank you enough for everything that you've done for me. Knowing that I made you proud means everything to me. Thanks for raising Laura and I to be the strong, confident women we are today.

To my sister, Laura, all of those years playing with dolls I never ever thought I'd have a real life"Bratz Rock Angelz" moment. Thanks for playing along with all of my crazy ideas even though I never finished any of them...We've definitely made the Bratz proud.

To my boyfriend, Jesse, the day I met you I never thought this would be how our lives turned out. Thanks for waiting for me, for pushing me to keep moving forward, and for always caring about me. You are the reason why I even bothered to go to the doctor and have the surgery in the first place.

To Dr. Karen Ruskin, I've already thanked you a million times, but once again, thank you for helping me get through my mental block! If it wasn't for your help, I would still be the same scared girl who you met during my first session.

Flowers from my favorites. :)

For the first time since this journey began, I can finally see the reason for all of this happening. That's my favorite part of life - being able to reflect on the journey and finally see the truth. I wasn't born with a septate hymen because God wanted me to suffer. I was born with a septate hymen so I could someday educate and empower women who were just like me. I feel like I've been handed the key to the world. It's a really cool feeling to know that you are actually impacting lives. I'm incredibly blessed to have been born the way I was and I'm incredibly blessed to have some of my biggest dreams come true. And, of course, I'm so blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. Thank you.

Post Virgin Territory Update!

Hi everyone! I decided to write this post to update you on what has happened since I filmed for MTV's Virgin Territory. If you'd like to read more about why I quit the show, you can click here.

1. I am no longer a virgin. Despite that the editing that suggested I lost it at the end of my segment, I actually lost it about a month after filming. It was a truly beautiful moment that I will never forget.
2. I've been working on a special project for girls with septate hymens. It's a website that I'm hoping will become a positive resource for girls to chat with other girls experiencing the same kinds of things. (Side note: if you have/had a septate hymen, I want to hear your story and feature it on my blog! Send me an email at SeptateSisters@yahoo.com!!)
3. Jesse and I are still together and plan on being together forever and ever and ever. Yes, we still go out on every 'monthiversary.'
4. Sex is now a huge part of our relationship. We are enjoying (finally!) a fantastic physical relationship.
5. Jesse and I live together now! Wheeeeeeee! Living with your best friend is the absolute best thing ever.

Well, there you have it! Any other questions about filming or anything that wasn't clear to you on the show, let me know in the comments or by sending an email to SeptateSisters@yahoo.com!

P.S. Stay tuned for more information on my website launch! :) :) :)

You Can't Buy My Virginity!!!!!! (The Truth About MTV)

5 words - "I'm no longer a virgin" - was the only thing I had to say. That sentence, or opposite - "I'm still a virgin because..." - were highly sought after by the production team at MTV. Those 5 words would've satisfied the producers and given me a pretty generous paycheck but I refused to utter them.

Let's back up to the moment I heard that I was chosen to be part of the cast for Virgin Territory. I was ecstatic that my story would finally be heard and that I could potentially help hundreds of girls just like me. After the excitement wore down, I soon learned that reality TV had a darker, more technical side. I was presented with a contract which I read over (twice) like a hawk, highlighting things that made me unsure. I spoke to one of the executive producer's for the show and asked her about the discrepancies. I was satisfied with the phone call but realized that I had to lay down rules of my own. Rules that none of the producers knew of still to this day.

I made it my mission to talk to everyone who would be on the show and figure out what their restrictions were. I talked extensively with my boyfriend, Jesse, about what we would/wouldn't talk about and about what we would/wouldn't do. Since we are both firm believers in no PDA, we decided a quick kiss was the farthest we'd go on camera. We also set one other ground rule: when we had sex, if it happened during or in between filming, we would not talk about it on camera. Period. (Side note: the end of the episode makes it seem like Jesse and I had sex the last night of filming and my first time was actually about a month later.)

During filming, the producers found it strange that we wouldn't talk about certain things (for example, what we did in the bedroom the night before). They also approached me multiple times to ask why we wouldn't cuddle or makeout on camera to which I always responded, "That's something we're not comfortable doing for the cameras." We had good reasoning, too. I was using the show for purely educational reasons and to help other girls with septate hymens. Jesse was only doing the show because I wanted him to. Looking back, I'm really surprised and impressed that he was a part of it because he's the type of guy who hates having his picture taken.

When I lost my virginity, I wasn't sure whether I should tell MTV or not. I ended up telling the producers who were thrilled because after all, isn't that the point of the show? I'm not allowed to give away any filming secrets but does anyone else think it's weird that almost all of the cast members lose their virginity while filming...!? I would say they were equally shocked that I refused to talk about it. That set a certain exec off who told me the following things:

1. I had to talk about it because I had signed the contract. (Lie. No where in the contract did it say that I was required to reveal the final status of my virginity.)
2. If I really loved Jesse, I would tell everyone I wasn't a virgin anymore. (Jesse found this particularly funny because as far as he was concerned, our love making didn't matter to anyone but to us.)
3. If I didn't reveal that I  wasn't a virgin, I wouldn't be on the show. (Which I am. September 24th at 11/10C!)
4. How can she, the producer, film something that isn't truthful. (HA HA HA the irony)
5. How can she end my story properly?! (I countered this statement asking her how she would've ended my story if I was still a virgin. Funny thing is, I think they were planning on everyone losing it therefore providing them the perfect ending.)
6. Don't you want to help young girls!? (Yes, yes I did. Buuut saying I wasn't a virgin had no impact on helping them get through their surgeries.)

I was fuming. Later that week, I got the filming schedule for their next trip to New Hampshire. Listed as one of the "things to do" was a re-enactment of a certain  life event. That was it. I emailed the producers and quit.

Pressing send on that email was the most liberating feeling. I was free! I will add that I was asked multiple times to do a closing interview to "clear up some confusion" to which I refused. I believed it was a trap and that I would get tricked into talking about my first time.

I'm sure some of you don't understand why I refused to say those 5 words. I asked myself why a thousand times after quitting because it was one sentence that would've made paying rent a lot easier. But money isn't everything. I would've forever felt terrible about selling my virginity which is essentially what most people on the show did. Granted, not everyone lost it and not everyone had such a strong opinion on it. For me, I kept my dignity and took matters into my own hands. I'm not afraid to admit that I lost my virginity to the world but I sure as hell wasn't saying those 5 words on MTV to satisfy the producers. Virginity can't be bought. Remember that.

Virgin Territory: Meet the Cast

Recently, MTV published an article featuring the remaining 10 virgins. Below is my little blurb! I'm so proud to be raising awareness for septate hymens! :)

Read about my other castmates here and don't forget to watch MTV's Virgin Territory every Wednesday night at 11/10c!

Stop the Shaming!

While watching the previews for Virgin Territory, I've noticed something interesting. To the oblivious viewer, they see nothing but a girl with red hair proclaiming over and over how scared she is. But when I watch, I can't help but notice the true fear and shame in my eyes.

We like to think that being ashamed relates to bad behavior. Those moments when you fake sick to stay home from school (hello, preschool), sitting in the corner by yourself as punishment for being naughty, or having a teacher hand back a test you didn't do so well on. These are all shameful moments but I think we, as individuals, shame ourselves more than any one else does. I know I did.

Figuring out that your lady parts are different than everyone else around you was a really difficult thing for me. Without even realizing it I began to compare myself to other girls (namely, the girls that used tampons because that was definite proof to me that they did not have septate hymens). Every time a girl mentioned needing to buy tampons, or asking if anyone had an extra tampon, I would immediately think of my septate hymen and then I'd feel jealous. I started to define myself as "sexually defective" because I couldn't do what other girls were doing.

As a perfectionist, I hate not being perfect. Now, I will be the first to tell you that I'm not perfect but perfectionism is in the eyes of the perfectionist, and in my eyes, my septate hymen made me imperfect. At 16, I became so ashamed of my body, especially my sexuality because I knew, medically, that it wasn't perfect. I began referring to my surgery as "getting fixed" as if I was broken. I withdrew from guys and social situations in which I might meet guys because I truly believed no boy would ever want to be with me if I was "sexually defective." 

I'm a bit teary-eyed writing this because these are all feelings that I felt without truly realizing their impact. When I watch myself on MTV, I see that ashamed girl and my heart goes out to her.But that's one of the cool things about being on the show. I will forever be able to look back at my time on the show and see how far I've come. 

I'm happy to report that I'm no longer ashamed. I am confident in myself and my sexuality. But to all of the ladies, we have to stop self-shaming. It's damaging. Our brains are wonderful but we quickly forget how easy they believe what they've been told hundreds of times. To my septate sisters out there, you are not broken, defective, or worthless...you were just born with a little extra somethin'. But believe me when I say, it's nothing to be ashamed about.

This season on Virgin Territory....

Make sure to tune in every Wednesday at 11/10c to see Virgin Territory on MTV!

#TBT My Therapy Session!

After my surgery, I was elated. The storm clouds had cleared and I could finally breathe again. There was nothing physical preventing me from having sex or using tampons. Once my 4 week healing period was up, I was so excited to get it on with my boyfriend. But just as every other part of this adventure, I was met with another challenge.

                I was absolutely sure that I would lose my virginity on September 16.That day has no significance in either of our lives but that day marked the end of the long 4 week healing period. I (thought) I was ready, he was ready, what was the problem? The problem happened to be my brain. See, the doctor physically cut my hymen off (sorry for the bluntness) but she didn’t cut out the part of my brain that was attached to my hymen’s presence. Basically, I still felt as though my hymen was present even though it was probably sitting in the hospital waste pile.

                Many ‘first time’ attempts later, I was convinced that I was cursed. Every time Jesse was about to enter me, I would freak out similar to how I reacted prior to the surgery when the doctor would get anywhere near my vagina. I would then get frustrated and cry because I wanted to have sex so badly but couldn’t because I still felt as though my hymen was there. Jesse and I decided that the only person who could help was a therapist.

                Not gonna lie, I was so skeptical of going to see a therapist. I had no idea what a therapist would say to correct me of the ‘mental/emotional block’ I was dealing with. I had to toss my skepticism aside though because therapy was my last hope.

                My therapist, Dr. Karen Ruskin, was nothing like I pictured a therapist to be like. She was pretty and friendly (not to mention a native New Yorker as well)! The therapy session was interactive which I guess I didn’t expect seeing as I was stuck in the cliché where an old therapist makes you lie down, nods, says things like “mhmm” and “how do you feel about that?” One of the first things she did was ask me to describe my vagina. It caught me off guard but I described it as being gross, scary, weird, ugly, etc. She suggested I try changing way I think about my vagina leading me to change the words I use to describe it. I left my first visit with more positive words – beautiful, open, ready to bloom (I really loved the flower references).

Dr. Ruskin suggested I look at paintings by Georgia O'Keeffe and now I can see why...

                For homework I had to get personal. I got a hand mirror and was instructed to look and touch my lady parts. I’m not gonna lie, I thought this was ridiculous because I had looked at it a million times before the surgery cursing it each time. This time, however, I witnessed my actual vagina opening up. It finally looked normal (side note: when I say normal I mean without the septate hymen because let’s be real, all vaginas look a little cray cray in their own way) and for a moment I just looked at it with a sense of appreciation. I didn’t think it was beautiful but it after all of the appointments and surgery I put it through, I concluded that it was definitely on its way.

                Less than a month after therapy, Jesse and I finally made love for the first time. Without the lovely Dr. Karen Ruskin, I don’t know if I would have been able to say that. She helped what I thought was an unsolvable problem and for that, I am forever grateful.

Meet the Virgin UPDATE

For my first ever post (juuust about a year ago today), I posted a photo of myself in which I blocked out the eyes because truth be told, I didn't want anyone to really know who the author was. I was scared and ashamed of my septate hymen and my sexuality. Well guess what?! A year has passed and I have come a long way. I'm totally comfortable expressing who I am and putting a face to this blog now. So without further adieu, let me (properly) introduce myself. I'm Emily and I'm 21 years old. I was born in New York state but this year, I moved to New Hampshire permanently to be with my boyfriend, Jesse. I got a tattoo of New York state on the day I gave up my NY license for a NH one. I'm majoring in Family Studies at the University of New Hampshire (Go 'Cats!) and minoring in Adolescent and Youth Development. I'm hoping to work with preteen and teen girls in the future educating and empowering them. I love going to the beach, baking desserts (when the oven behaves), singing along to the radio, going on random adventures with Jesse, hiking, camping, painting, and organizing (hello, OCD). As you can tell from the photo, I have red hair and green eyes (that are practically blind but whatever). I love mascara, cats, the color pink, cupcakes, raspberries, summer dresses, my iPod touch, and nail polish. I constantly wear 2 rings which are very symbolic to me. Oh yeah, and I really like to write. :)

Follow Me:

  

Virgin Territory Trailer!!!

I mentioned in my last post that I was a part of the new MTV show 'Virgin Territory' and I just found out that the trailer has been released! I've posted it below if you care to see it! I appear between 0:59-1:03.

Let me know what you think and make sure to watch on July 16th at 11/10c!