2 Years Post Surgery...A Reflection

Two years ago I woke up from the surgery that forever changed my life. (Although on social media I posted that it was three years ago only to be corrected by my sister who remembers e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g - thanks Laur!)

When I discovered my septate hymen in 2009, I let it define who I was. I kept it a secret and internalized a lot of really negative thoughts I had about my body and who I was as a woman. It is during the teenage years that we are the most insecure so needless to say, my septate hymen became one of my biggest insecurities. Luckily, it was something I could hide from everyone.

My insecurity led to the belief that I was defective as a woman and that no one would ever want to be with me. As a result, I kind of hid from guys. I admired guys from afar but made no attempts to talk to them because that would lead to feelings and potentially a relationship which over time, would reveal my secret.

By the time I moved to college, a lot of my insecurities were put on the back burner so I could enjoy the college experience. Unfortunately they were brought to the surface again when I met a guy in November. He was interested in me and I reciprocated that interest and we began a very informal relationship. Things fell apart before he found out about my septate hymen but all along, I knew it was something I wasn't going to tell him. Like, I knew it would have been a deal breaker. Isn't that sad?

By defining ourselves by our sexuality we devalue who we are as people. For so many years I defined myself by what I was physically able to do in a relationship. I knew I was more than that but because I was physically different than other girls, I let a piece of tissue define who I was.

Meeting Jesse allowed me to escape my insecurity and shatter the way I defined myself. The fact that I had a septate hymen was never an issue for him. When he found out, he actually researched it while I was in class so he could understand what it was and what needed to be done to have it removed. He was there every step of the way and I am forever grateful for his support and constant love.

It's crazy to think that it's almost been a year since my episode aired on MTV's Virgin Territory, The night it aired was one of the most magical and exciting nights of my life. The support I've received and the girls that I've been able to help through this experience have made every setback in the process worth it. It's insane how one little piece of tissue has changed my life.

One Year Update!!!

I decided to make an update post because after I successfully overcame all of my fears surrounding my lady parts, my update posts stopped which was a shame because those posts are my favorites to go back and read because the growth is so apparent. One year ago, I had already lost my virginity so this post is going to be a one year update.

Overall, this past year of having sex has been, well, fun! The connection between Jesse and I was strong before we started having sex but now, we are so much closer. While I still don't consider sex to be the most important thing in a relationship, it is still extremely important on the individual level as well as the relationship level. I've learned so much about myself, Jesse, and us as a unit.

However, there have been a couple times during the heat of things that  my fears rush back and I get scared again. These relapses have only happened a couple of times but I go through the same motions of becoming tense and pushing away. The good part is that I'm able to quickly remind myself that it's all okay down there and we can continue the love making. I think the scariest part of these relapses is knowing that the fears I once had still marginally exist.

The good news is that I am a strong woman who is determined not to be dragged back to the place I was in the fall of 2013. I've come so far in this journey that I refuse to let a rouge thought of pain deter me from making love. My therapist gave me lots of tools to combat these demons and during these moments of relapse they become my weapons. I thought once I had sex the fears were gone forever but I'm dealing with the reality that they might always come back to visit once in a great while.

I want all of the ladies out there to know that this septate hymen journey - post or pre surgery - is continuous. Whatever stage you are at right now, do not give up! You can do this! If you're fears are consuming your every thought, there are plenty of therapists out there to listen and help! Or, you can always talk to me and I'll be happy to do the same! After all my septate sisters, we're all in this together!  :) 

#TBT My Therapy Session!

After my surgery, I was elated. The storm clouds had cleared and I could finally breathe again. There was nothing physical preventing me from having sex or using tampons. Once my 4 week healing period was up, I was so excited to get it on with my boyfriend. But just as every other part of this adventure, I was met with another challenge.

                I was absolutely sure that I would lose my virginity on September 16.That day has no significance in either of our lives but that day marked the end of the long 4 week healing period. I (thought) I was ready, he was ready, what was the problem? The problem happened to be my brain. See, the doctor physically cut my hymen off (sorry for the bluntness) but she didn’t cut out the part of my brain that was attached to my hymen’s presence. Basically, I still felt as though my hymen was present even though it was probably sitting in the hospital waste pile.

                Many ‘first time’ attempts later, I was convinced that I was cursed. Every time Jesse was about to enter me, I would freak out similar to how I reacted prior to the surgery when the doctor would get anywhere near my vagina. I would then get frustrated and cry because I wanted to have sex so badly but couldn’t because I still felt as though my hymen was there. Jesse and I decided that the only person who could help was a therapist.

                Not gonna lie, I was so skeptical of going to see a therapist. I had no idea what a therapist would say to correct me of the ‘mental/emotional block’ I was dealing with. I had to toss my skepticism aside though because therapy was my last hope.

                My therapist, Dr. Karen Ruskin, was nothing like I pictured a therapist to be like. She was pretty and friendly (not to mention a native New Yorker as well)! The therapy session was interactive which I guess I didn’t expect seeing as I was stuck in the cliché where an old therapist makes you lie down, nods, says things like “mhmm” and “how do you feel about that?” One of the first things she did was ask me to describe my vagina. It caught me off guard but I described it as being gross, scary, weird, ugly, etc. She suggested I try changing way I think about my vagina leading me to change the words I use to describe it. I left my first visit with more positive words – beautiful, open, ready to bloom (I really loved the flower references).

Dr. Ruskin suggested I look at paintings by Georgia O'Keeffe and now I can see why...

                For homework I had to get personal. I got a hand mirror and was instructed to look and touch my lady parts. I’m not gonna lie, I thought this was ridiculous because I had looked at it a million times before the surgery cursing it each time. This time, however, I witnessed my actual vagina opening up. It finally looked normal (side note: when I say normal I mean without the septate hymen because let’s be real, all vaginas look a little cray cray in their own way) and for a moment I just looked at it with a sense of appreciation. I didn’t think it was beautiful but it after all of the appointments and surgery I put it through, I concluded that it was definitely on its way.

                Less than a month after therapy, Jesse and I finally made love for the first time. Without the lovely Dr. Karen Ruskin, I don’t know if I would have been able to say that. She helped what I thought was an unsolvable problem and for that, I am forever grateful.

3 weeks.

It has been 3 weeks and 1 day since my surgery and I'm doing fine! I mean, it hurt when I peed for the first 2 days but since then it's been a breeze! At first, sitting in certain positions was a little uncomfortable but I mean, I never took any Advil or painkillers so I couldn't have asked for a better turnout!

On another note, the stitches have been falling out which was weird at first. I don't know how many sets there were but so far I've lost 2. My boyfriend was so sweet and looked at it a week and a half after surgery and it looked fine! It was open and I was so excited to see it looking like an actual vagina!

However, I looked at it today and it doesn't look like that at all...In fact it looks like it did before which is freaking me out. I still have a mental block because I still think of myself as being blocked. Getting over the whole mental block is going to be a struggle for sure. I had my period last week and tried using tampons and it hurt so bad so I had to stop.

I just hope that I can get over this mental block....