2 Years Post Surgery...A Reflection

Two years ago I woke up from the surgery that forever changed my life. (Although on social media I posted that it was three years ago only to be corrected by my sister who remembers e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g - thanks Laur!)

When I discovered my septate hymen in 2009, I let it define who I was. I kept it a secret and internalized a lot of really negative thoughts I had about my body and who I was as a woman. It is during the teenage years that we are the most insecure so needless to say, my septate hymen became one of my biggest insecurities. Luckily, it was something I could hide from everyone.

My insecurity led to the belief that I was defective as a woman and that no one would ever want to be with me. As a result, I kind of hid from guys. I admired guys from afar but made no attempts to talk to them because that would lead to feelings and potentially a relationship which over time, would reveal my secret.

By the time I moved to college, a lot of my insecurities were put on the back burner so I could enjoy the college experience. Unfortunately they were brought to the surface again when I met a guy in November. He was interested in me and I reciprocated that interest and we began a very informal relationship. Things fell apart before he found out about my septate hymen but all along, I knew it was something I wasn't going to tell him. Like, I knew it would have been a deal breaker. Isn't that sad?

By defining ourselves by our sexuality we devalue who we are as people. For so many years I defined myself by what I was physically able to do in a relationship. I knew I was more than that but because I was physically different than other girls, I let a piece of tissue define who I was.

Meeting Jesse allowed me to escape my insecurity and shatter the way I defined myself. The fact that I had a septate hymen was never an issue for him. When he found out, he actually researched it while I was in class so he could understand what it was and what needed to be done to have it removed. He was there every step of the way and I am forever grateful for his support and constant love.

It's crazy to think that it's almost been a year since my episode aired on MTV's Virgin Territory, The night it aired was one of the most magical and exciting nights of my life. The support I've received and the girls that I've been able to help through this experience have made every setback in the process worth it. It's insane how one little piece of tissue has changed my life.

Juuuuuuuuune Updates!!!

I feel like almost every blog post I write is an update post. I'm going to blame it on a lack of creativity because while I've been really inspired lately, every time I sit down to write a new post I can't. Case in point? I have 12 posts sitting in the draft folder that consist of a few - often misspelled - words (a.k.a. my "professional" outline process). Maybe it's the weather but for whatever reason I haven't been able to get myself to write anything that I'm proud of. I wrote a (PMS-induced) post a few weeks back that sounded really sociopathic so I decided not to post it. So without further adieu, here's another list of life updates!

1. I'm happy to announce that I am currently typing on my newly fixed laptop!!! If you remember, this laptop stopped charging/recognizing the plug in February but I was too poor to fix it and for some reason even when I had the money I kept putting it off. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that the only reason this one is fixed is because my old laptop (Dell circa 2009) is now broken too....oops.

2. For the past few weeks I've been a peer academic advisor for the UNH incoming class. I am absolutely in love with the job and I have no idea what I'm going to do when it's over. Actually, I do know what I'm going to be doing after it's over - working 35 hours a week at Dunks. Yikes.

3. Speaking of Dunks, our new manager begged me to come into work at 5am instead of my usual 6am so that means that every day, I have to get up at 3:45am to get ready. SOS. #NoSleep

4. Summer is going well. Jesse and I both have Sundays off and we're trying to plan fun activities for each week. Last Sunday, we went to a wine tasting which was a lot of fun even though I was totally that girl and accidentally got drunk. #Oops

That pretty much sums it up! I'm really hoping to get some posts up in the next couple weeks about things unrelated to my life updates...Stay tuned!

April 2015 Happenings

#NotAnotherUpdatePost #JK

Hiii everyone! April has been insane! I have been so busy with work, school, my ferret (that happened), and life that April has felt like 2 days as opposed to 24. So let's cut to the chase - here's what has been going on!

1. I got a ferret! Well, Jesse and I got a ferret so we're now ferrents LOL DO YOU GET IT?! I thought I made that word up but apparently it is used frequently on various ferret message boards (those are a thing). His name is Gizmo (although I tend to call him Baby G, Littlest, or Gizzy) and he is such a love! He is 12 weeks old and he is full of energy. I honestly didn't think he was going to be that much work but he gets into/steals everything he gets his tiny hands on so life with Baby G is constantly chasing him around trying to get your sock/highlighter/water bottle back.

SO IN LOVE

2. THERE IS ONE I REPEAT ONE WEEK OF CLASSES LEFT OF THE SEMESTER PRAISE THE LORD ALMIGHTY HALLELUJAH!!!!!!! I have two days of classes left (Tuesday and Thursday), one final paper, three final exams until summer vacation. Even though I'll be working all summer it's going to be SO nice to not worry about deadlines, projects, papers, etc. This semester went by so quickly and at the end of this week, I'M OFFICIALLY A SENIOR! #TimeFliesWhenYou'reHavingFun #IMeanWorking

3. I got a placement for my internship next fall and I am so excited!!!! I'll be working at an afterschool program as a program leader and I get to work with middle schoolers YAY! I get to plan curriculum and take them on fun trips which sounds like so much fun! I'm already planning out curriculum and things to do with them! #IsItFallYet?!

I think that's it for the moment! I better get back to the paper that I'm procrastinating on...This blog was made possible thanks to procrastination and viewers like you. Thank you. (Little PBS reference for your enjoyment ;)) 

Talk to you guys laterrrrr!

P.S. I have 5 blog post outlines sitting in my drafts that I'm hoping I'll be able to write within the next couple weeks! The content is really fun so I hope you enjoy them when I finally get around to writing and posting them!

March 2015 in 60 Seconds

Hiiiiiii guys! Long time no blog...! Like many posts in the past, this is going to be somewhat of a life update seeing as I haven't blogged in over a month!

1. I got another job! I work at Dunkin Donuts which is actually so much fun! It's suuuper fast paced and I get to chat with customers and make drinks and all that jazz! I work about 30 hours a week there and between that, my two other jobs, a full course load and homework I have like ZERO time to do anything! I'll try and get more posts scheduled though!
2. Jesse and I have been living together for a YEAR as of next Wednesday which is crazy because it only seems like it's been a few months. We're renewing our lease and staying here through next May. YAY FOR HAPPY COHABITING COUPLES! I've got a blog post scheduled for the 1st which is a list of everything I've learned after this first year!
3. My school's Spring Break was last week and Jesse and I went to visit his parents in Virginia for half of the week and then to visit my parents in New York for the remainder of the week. I can't tell you how nice it was to have a week off! Jesse and I have pretty opposite schedules but last week we really just got to hang out with each other and our families. I couldn't have asked for a better break! I even took Jesse to New York City which was a lot of fun, too!

Favorite boy, favorite city :)

There you have it - the past month all summed up! The 6'+ of snow we got in New Hampshire has finally started to melt and it seems like Spring is trying her best to make an appearance! This semester is about 2/3 over and then I'm sure I'll have more time for blogging! Until then, I'll do my best to post as often as I can!

-Emily

One Year Update!!!

I decided to make an update post because after I successfully overcame all of my fears surrounding my lady parts, my update posts stopped which was a shame because those posts are my favorites to go back and read because the growth is so apparent. One year ago, I had already lost my virginity so this post is going to be a one year update.

Overall, this past year of having sex has been, well, fun! The connection between Jesse and I was strong before we started having sex but now, we are so much closer. While I still don't consider sex to be the most important thing in a relationship, it is still extremely important on the individual level as well as the relationship level. I've learned so much about myself, Jesse, and us as a unit.

However, there have been a couple times during the heat of things that  my fears rush back and I get scared again. These relapses have only happened a couple of times but I go through the same motions of becoming tense and pushing away. The good part is that I'm able to quickly remind myself that it's all okay down there and we can continue the love making. I think the scariest part of these relapses is knowing that the fears I once had still marginally exist.

The good news is that I am a strong woman who is determined not to be dragged back to the place I was in the fall of 2013. I've come so far in this journey that I refuse to let a rouge thought of pain deter me from making love. My therapist gave me lots of tools to combat these demons and during these moments of relapse they become my weapons. I thought once I had sex the fears were gone forever but I'm dealing with the reality that they might always come back to visit once in a great while.

I want all of the ladies out there to know that this septate hymen journey - post or pre surgery - is continuous. Whatever stage you are at right now, do not give up! You can do this! If you're fears are consuming your every thought, there are plenty of therapists out there to listen and help! Or, you can always talk to me and I'll be happy to do the same! After all my septate sisters, we're all in this together!  :) 

Meet the Virgin UPDATE

For my first ever post (juuust about a year ago today), I posted a photo of myself in which I blocked out the eyes because truth be told, I didn't want anyone to really know who the author was. I was scared and ashamed of my septate hymen and my sexuality. Well guess what?! A year has passed and I have come a long way. I'm totally comfortable expressing who I am and putting a face to this blog now. So without further adieu, let me (properly) introduce myself. I'm Emily and I'm 21 years old. I was born in New York state but this year, I moved to New Hampshire permanently to be with my boyfriend, Jesse. I got a tattoo of New York state on the day I gave up my NY license for a NH one. I'm majoring in Family Studies at the University of New Hampshire (Go 'Cats!) and minoring in Adolescent and Youth Development. I'm hoping to work with preteen and teen girls in the future educating and empowering them. I love going to the beach, baking desserts (when the oven behaves), singing along to the radio, going on random adventures with Jesse, hiking, camping, painting, and organizing (hello, OCD). As you can tell from the photo, I have red hair and green eyes (that are practically blind but whatever). I love mascara, cats, the color pink, cupcakes, raspberries, summer dresses, my iPod touch, and nail polish. I constantly wear 2 rings which are very symbolic to me. Oh yeah, and I really like to write. :)

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UPDATES!!!!

Hi everyone! So sorry for the lapse in time. I've been so busy lately with vacations and job applications and life in general...not to mention appointments on appointments. Anyways, as the title says, this is the updates post.

Update 1: July 26th was my follow up appointment after the ultrasound. The week before this appointment I was visiting my boyfriend's apartment so again, I was mostly sad from saying goodbye instead of being nervous. However, I was extremely nervous waiting in the examination room because I was there to hear if I had any other reproductive problems. I was expecting the worst. Luckily, my doctor said the results were normal and that my insides look perfect! I was so relieved because that means I can have my own babies! Surgery got real when she starting filling out the paperwork and told me they'd call back later with a date and time(!!!!!!)

Update 2: The call came at 2:00 in the afternoon. The receptionist told me that my surgery would be on August 12th at noon. I was also then scheduled for pre-surgical testing and then another follow up with the gynecologist for the 7th and 9th respectively. I was glad to finally have an actual date!

Update 3: Yesterday I had my pre-surgical testing at the hospital. I'd never been a patient at a hospital before so it was really strange. My mom and my boyfriend came along which was really nice. I checked in and gave all of my basic information and then was sent to the pre-surgical testing suite where I had to wait. Oh how I looove waiting. (Note the sarcasm). Finally the nurse called my name and asked if I needed the bathroom (ugh, urine test) so I'll spare you the details but just know it wasn't fun. Then I had to answer all of these questions about my health and stuff in the examination room with the nurse. Up until then it seemed like a walk through the park, but then she said she needed to take blood. Now, just to clarify, that has always been my biggest fear. No joke, when anyone would talk about blood tests, I'd immediately fold my arms together and cringe. Buuut here I was, being told I needed to have one. I asked the nurse "REALLY?!" 4 times. The actual blood test didn't hurt, but I was uncomfortable because I knew what was going on. After it was over though time started to slow and my ears started ringing and everything got all tunnel-vision-y and I got cold and sweaty and nauseous. My first thought was how bleeding out must be a terrible way to go. The nurse asked if I was ok and got me some water. Then, she explained what I needed to do on the day of the surgery. I asked for more water because I literally thought I was gonna pass out and she brought my mom and boyfriend in the room. I was finally able to walk out of the hospital. I got in the car though and just started sobbing. I just was so overwhelmed and wanted it to be over so bad.

But here I am one day later and determined. I've come so far since June 18th and I honestly never dreamed I'd make it this far. We truly are stronger than we think we are.