Inspirational Friday: A Little Confidence Goes A Long Way

Jesse and I were talking the other day in the car about satisfaction in the bedroom - particularly about couples who are less than satisfied in that part of the relationship. We speculated as to why that might be and confidence and self-esteem were brought up. I believe the problem isn't performance but lack of confidence.

Confidence is often a problem for girls. I, too, struggled with my self-esteem in middle school and early high school. I hated my skin for it was spotted with acne and I thought my thighs and butt were too big. I think we all fall into that trap of watching movies, reading magazines, and passing people on the street and comparing ourselves to them. We think, "she's so pretty," "I'll never have legs like that," or "I wish I had bigger boobs" and the confidence we have in ourselves plummets.

I got over all of this petty stuff when I got to college because I recognized it as just that - petty. It's easy in middle school to get caught up in the media and wish you looked differently because you don't have a lot much going on in life (or at least I didn't). Moving to college I realized that comparing yourself to other people was pointless because the fact is, you will never be as tall as that Calvin Klein model or have big boobs like that girl in your math class or look like Carrie Underwood but that's because you're not that Calvin Klein model or that girl in your math class or Carrie Underwood. You never will be. But that's okay!

The problem with lacking confidence will impact every aspect of your life - sex life included. If you're not confident in the way you look, how in the world will you be able to enjoy sexy time?! You'll be too nervous about the way you look that you won't be able to focus on the way that you feel!

The thing is, if a guy is sleeping with you, he's clearly attracted to you in some way! In the heat of the moment, as clothes hit the floor, you've got to realize that he's already interested in the way you look or else he wouldn't be sleeping with you! I mean, would you sleep with someone you weren't physically attracted to in any way?! No, you probably wouldn't.

Jesse also gave me insight into the guy's perspective. He told me surprisingly that guys are willing to accept your flaws! Let's pretend you're really self-conscious about your stomach area. A guy who's interested in you isn't going to let that be a deal breaker! (Side note: if you know a guy who would let your insecurities be a deal breaker then he's a dick and you shouldn't want to be with him!) Just realize that guys aren't going to notice your insecurities - but they will notice your confidence in bed.

Does this mean you have to act like a porn star every time you have sex? No. This means that instead of acting all timid and hiding parts of your body under the sheets that you own it! Don't worry about how you look or how you're doing because there are more important things to focus on during sex. Focus on what feels good to you and what you like!

You truly have to love yourself and your body before being physically intimate with someone or else I don't think you can be truly happy with that aspect of the relationship. Who wants to worry about what they look like every time they have sex? Not me! Love yourself and own what you've got and I guarantee that life in the bedroom will be much more satisfying.

Jessica Alba summed it up perfectly!

Stop the Shaming!

While watching the previews for Virgin Territory, I've noticed something interesting. To the oblivious viewer, they see nothing but a girl with red hair proclaiming over and over how scared she is. But when I watch, I can't help but notice the true fear and shame in my eyes.

We like to think that being ashamed relates to bad behavior. Those moments when you fake sick to stay home from school (hello, preschool), sitting in the corner by yourself as punishment for being naughty, or having a teacher hand back a test you didn't do so well on. These are all shameful moments but I think we, as individuals, shame ourselves more than any one else does. I know I did.

Figuring out that your lady parts are different than everyone else around you was a really difficult thing for me. Without even realizing it I began to compare myself to other girls (namely, the girls that used tampons because that was definite proof to me that they did not have septate hymens). Every time a girl mentioned needing to buy tampons, or asking if anyone had an extra tampon, I would immediately think of my septate hymen and then I'd feel jealous. I started to define myself as "sexually defective" because I couldn't do what other girls were doing.

As a perfectionist, I hate not being perfect. Now, I will be the first to tell you that I'm not perfect but perfectionism is in the eyes of the perfectionist, and in my eyes, my septate hymen made me imperfect. At 16, I became so ashamed of my body, especially my sexuality because I knew, medically, that it wasn't perfect. I began referring to my surgery as "getting fixed" as if I was broken. I withdrew from guys and social situations in which I might meet guys because I truly believed no boy would ever want to be with me if I was "sexually defective." 

I'm a bit teary-eyed writing this because these are all feelings that I felt without truly realizing their impact. When I watch myself on MTV, I see that ashamed girl and my heart goes out to her.But that's one of the cool things about being on the show. I will forever be able to look back at my time on the show and see how far I've come. 

I'm happy to report that I'm no longer ashamed. I am confident in myself and my sexuality. But to all of the ladies, we have to stop self-shaming. It's damaging. Our brains are wonderful but we quickly forget how easy they believe what they've been told hundreds of times. To my septate sisters out there, you are not broken, defective, or worthless...you were just born with a little extra somethin'. But believe me when I say, it's nothing to be ashamed about.