Let's Talk Birth Control!!!

Part of being a sexually active individual is ensuring that you engage in healthy, safe sex. This means something different for everyone. Maybe you're on the Pill, maybe you have an IUD, maybe you do a voodoo chant to keep the sperm and the egg from meeting (although I would highly discourage that last one...). The method you choose is up to you! Allow me to introduce you to some of the methods out there. Please keep in mind that I am not a doctor and all information listed below is my opinion.

Let's start with the obvious...abstinence. As I'm sure you learned in health or biology class, abstinence is the only 100% effective method of birth control. There are others I'll describe below that are pretty darn close to 100% effective but even methods that are 99% effective still have room for error. Let's put it this way, if you're not having sex, you absolutely cannot get pregnant because it takes two to make a third!

Probably the most common method is the condom. The great thing about condoms is that you can pretty much get them anywhere and if you're a college student, they're basically thrown at you from RAs and people from health services. Condoms come is every color, texture, and flavor (yes, flavor) you could imagine so there's really no reason not to like them! They also make a female

Ooooh! Pretty colors!

condom which is basically a plastic bag that you stick in your vagina. They really aren't very effective so you shouldn't be relying solely on a female condom. I have no idea if stores carry them because they really aren't a crowd favorite. I'm sure you can find them on Amazon because Amazon literally sells everything under the sun.

The patch is exactly what it sounds like. Basically, you stick it to your skin and your skin will absorb hormones into your bloodstream that stop ovulation and make your uterus uninhabitable for sperm. You can pretty much stick the patch anywhere although I think most people put it on their butt or someplace that's usually hidden. It has the same color as a bandaid but despite this, it's pretty visible if you have it on, say, your arm.

The Pill is a female favorite. Personally, hormonal birth control freaks me out so I've opted out of anything that changes my body from doin' it's natural thang. There are a lot of different types of pills that involve different hormones so I suggest talking to your doctor to see what's right for you. The Pill can be tricky for some women because you have to remember to take it at the same time each day. Take extra precautions if you forget to take it one day or accidentally skip a few days as this can potentially cause a pregnancy if unprotected sex occurs during the same time. The Pill also clears acne and improve period cramps so if you're looking to kill two birds with one stone, this method would be a good choice for you!

Some women prefer to get the Depo-Provera shot which is a injection you have to go to the doctor's for every three months. I mean, if going to the doctor often to get a needle in your arm is your thing, go for it! The injection contains hormones which prevent ovulation and creates thick cervical mucus that sperm cannot get through. Yum.

The sponge looks like a mini inner tube that you would see at a water park. It covers your cervix and constantly releases spermicide which prevents sperm from moving. I'm not gonna lie, the sponge seems pretty freakin' weird but I guess to each her own, right?!

The NuvaRing is a tiny ring that you insert into your vagina. It constantly releases hormones that once again, prevent ovulation and thicken that cervical mucus. Hope you've eaten lunch already.

Both the cervical cap and diaphragm cover your cervix. I'm sure you can't feel anything once it's inserted correctly but both look really intimidating.

"Hey, I'm not so scary!"

An intrauterine device (IUD) is a tiny little T-shaped plastic thing that is inserted into your uterus. This can only be done by a doctor. This method is non-hormonal and super effective! You also can have the same IUD for multiple years, too, which is great if you don't wanna ever really thing about birth control! I've heard that this can cause heavier periods and cramping though...

There next two methods I would advise against. The first is the "au naturale" family planning method. This can be done a number of ways. Some women track their cycles, abstaining from sex on "risk days" while some women observe their vaginal discharge (I'm sorry, WHAT?!) on a daily basis avoiding days that the mucus is sticky...? It seems pretty friggin' weird but some women swear by it. Another disadvantage in this method (besides constantly feeling your discharge) is the fact that you have to specifically avoid having sex for a few days out of the month and that's no fun.

Whatever you do, please don't rely on the pull out method. Some guys believe that they can pull penis out in time before they ejaculate and if that isn't risky enough, precum can actually contain sperm which means even if the guy does pull out in time, you could still get pregnant and that's no fun (unless you're ready to have a kid of course)!

Now I want to hear what you guys think! What methods do you use? Why do you like your method? Let me know in the comments or by sending me an email at septatesisters@yahoo.com!

Inspirational Friday: A Little Confidence Goes A Long Way

Jesse and I were talking the other day in the car about satisfaction in the bedroom - particularly about couples who are less than satisfied in that part of the relationship. We speculated as to why that might be and confidence and self-esteem were brought up. I believe the problem isn't performance but lack of confidence.

Confidence is often a problem for girls. I, too, struggled with my self-esteem in middle school and early high school. I hated my skin for it was spotted with acne and I thought my thighs and butt were too big. I think we all fall into that trap of watching movies, reading magazines, and passing people on the street and comparing ourselves to them. We think, "she's so pretty," "I'll never have legs like that," or "I wish I had bigger boobs" and the confidence we have in ourselves plummets.

I got over all of this petty stuff when I got to college because I recognized it as just that - petty. It's easy in middle school to get caught up in the media and wish you looked differently because you don't have a lot much going on in life (or at least I didn't). Moving to college I realized that comparing yourself to other people was pointless because the fact is, you will never be as tall as that Calvin Klein model or have big boobs like that girl in your math class or look like Carrie Underwood but that's because you're not that Calvin Klein model or that girl in your math class or Carrie Underwood. You never will be. But that's okay!

The problem with lacking confidence will impact every aspect of your life - sex life included. If you're not confident in the way you look, how in the world will you be able to enjoy sexy time?! You'll be too nervous about the way you look that you won't be able to focus on the way that you feel!

The thing is, if a guy is sleeping with you, he's clearly attracted to you in some way! In the heat of the moment, as clothes hit the floor, you've got to realize that he's already interested in the way you look or else he wouldn't be sleeping with you! I mean, would you sleep with someone you weren't physically attracted to in any way?! No, you probably wouldn't.

Jesse also gave me insight into the guy's perspective. He told me surprisingly that guys are willing to accept your flaws! Let's pretend you're really self-conscious about your stomach area. A guy who's interested in you isn't going to let that be a deal breaker! (Side note: if you know a guy who would let your insecurities be a deal breaker then he's a dick and you shouldn't want to be with him!) Just realize that guys aren't going to notice your insecurities - but they will notice your confidence in bed.

Does this mean you have to act like a porn star every time you have sex? No. This means that instead of acting all timid and hiding parts of your body under the sheets that you own it! Don't worry about how you look or how you're doing because there are more important things to focus on during sex. Focus on what feels good to you and what you like!

You truly have to love yourself and your body before being physically intimate with someone or else I don't think you can be truly happy with that aspect of the relationship. Who wants to worry about what they look like every time they have sex? Not me! Love yourself and own what you've got and I guarantee that life in the bedroom will be much more satisfying.

Jessica Alba summed it up perfectly!

One Year Update!!!

I decided to make an update post because after I successfully overcame all of my fears surrounding my lady parts, my update posts stopped which was a shame because those posts are my favorites to go back and read because the growth is so apparent. One year ago, I had already lost my virginity so this post is going to be a one year update.

Overall, this past year of having sex has been, well, fun! The connection between Jesse and I was strong before we started having sex but now, we are so much closer. While I still don't consider sex to be the most important thing in a relationship, it is still extremely important on the individual level as well as the relationship level. I've learned so much about myself, Jesse, and us as a unit.

However, there have been a couple times during the heat of things that  my fears rush back and I get scared again. These relapses have only happened a couple of times but I go through the same motions of becoming tense and pushing away. The good part is that I'm able to quickly remind myself that it's all okay down there and we can continue the love making. I think the scariest part of these relapses is knowing that the fears I once had still marginally exist.

The good news is that I am a strong woman who is determined not to be dragged back to the place I was in the fall of 2013. I've come so far in this journey that I refuse to let a rouge thought of pain deter me from making love. My therapist gave me lots of tools to combat these demons and during these moments of relapse they become my weapons. I thought once I had sex the fears were gone forever but I'm dealing with the reality that they might always come back to visit once in a great while.

I want all of the ladies out there to know that this septate hymen journey - post or pre surgery - is continuous. Whatever stage you are at right now, do not give up! You can do this! If you're fears are consuming your every thought, there are plenty of therapists out there to listen and help! Or, you can always talk to me and I'll be happy to do the same! After all my septate sisters, we're all in this together!  :) 

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M READY?!?!?

So you wanna lose your virginity. Maybe you've finally found the girl or guy of your dreams and you're ready to take it to the next level. Before getting down and dirty, I advise each and every one of you to think it through because you only get one first time and no one wants to regret it!

How to know if you are ready to have sex.

1. First things first. Ladies, if you haven't already, check your lady parts to make sure that you don't have an irregular hymen. Don't know what to look for? Read all about the different types of hymens here.
2. Talk about it! If you can't have a serious conversation with your significant other about having sex, you're probably not ready. Talking about having sex is a mature thing to do and if you can't, well, you probably aren't very mature and therefore shouldn't be doing it.
3. You've gotten tested. I'm totally guilty of not doing this but being a virgin, I knew I was safe and my boyfriend was safe because he had only ever had sex with two other virgins. If you or your partner has a sketchy history, just get tested. Better safe than ridden with chlamydia (or gonorrhea, syphilis, or any other nastiness)!
4. YOU want to. I cannot stress this one enough. You should never (I mean never, ever, ever, ever, EVER) have sex with someone because you feel like you have to. Both participants have to mutually want to do it. Maybe your boyfriend would like to have sex one month into the relationship but you'd rather wait until it's been 6 months. That's totally ok! However, in the mean time if you're feeling pressured by your boyfriend or he is threatening to not wait, you should probably get rid of him. A guy who wants to be with you will wait for you until YOU are ready.
5. You've played a little baseball. Relationships usually build. I don't think many go from just meeting to having sex in one night. If you've made it to first base (french-kissing), second base (touching sexy parts), or third base (oral sex), you are on your way to being ready to make it to home plate! Please note that you can skip bases. If you've never wanted to put your mouth near a penis, feel free to skip third! What I'm trying to say here, is that if you've fooled around for a while with someone, you're probably going to want to have sex with them.
6. You've got a plan. If you're thinking about what method of birth control you want to use (and have discussed this with your partner) then you are making progress towards being ready! Particular method doesn't matter (although I'd advise against the 'Natural Family Planning' or 'Pull Out' method here). What matters, is that you have one. What do I mean by "have one?" Make sure it's bought/prescribed/inserted or whatever needs to be done to ensure that you won't have a +1 in 9 months.
7. If the New York Times' heading the morning after was "[Insert Your Name] and [Insert Partner's Name] Made Love," you'd be ok with that. Not that they would, but if you'd be ok with everyone finding out that you and your partner just had sex, you're probably ready to have sex. You should be having sex with someone you're proud to be having sex with.
8. You know his name. This is for all of my crazy partiers. If you're into one night stands, great! Your sex life should be what you want it to be. I'm only suggesting this because for even the craziest of partiers, you're going to probably want to remember his name for practical (and self dignity) reasons.
9. You love your body. If you're an insecure person, you need to work on letting all of the little insecurities go! Remember, the person you have sex with is going to see you naked. You won't be able to hide that weird acne on your butt, the fact that you forgot to shave your armpits, or that extra slice of pizza you just ate. But don't worry! That boy who you are about to have sex with is not interested in your weird insecurities. If you are in a loving relationship, this boy loves you for you! You are beautiful to him and you turn him on! Plus, boys aren't going to notice the things that seem really obvious to you. Just as an example, I have a decent sized mole on my butt and I mentioned it to Jesse the other day who, until I showed him, had no idea that it existed! 
10. You feel comfortable with your partner. Like I already mentioned, if you're going to have sex with someone, they are going to know you in a very intimate way. Sex for the first time is not going to be like the movies. You are most likely going to have to tell your partner what does/doesn't feel good, what to do more of/less of, how fast/slow to go, etc. If you don't think you would be comfortable expressing your needs to your partner, you probably aren't ready.

If you feel confident with the 10 things I've just listed, you might just be ready to have sex! The truth is, only you know when you're ready to have sex. There probably won't be a 'eureka!' moment. But while developing a relationship with someone, feelings will intensify and the time will present itself. Don't overthink it. Let things work out the way they're meant to work out and play safe!

10 Things I Didn't Know About Love

Jesse and I celebrated our 1 1/2 year anniversary yesterday by, um, doing the dishes together and getting to bed early. We usually try to go out on the 7th of every month which means yes, we are so that couple that celebrates their anniversary every month. Buuut before your eyes roll too far back into your head, we don't, however, post a sappy Facebook post each month that reads something like this:

#GETAROOM

Nor are our celebrations very involved. Heck, sometimes our 'Celebration of the 7th' is actually the 5th, 8th, or 10th! Plus, I think it's important to celebrate the little things - not to mention that going out to eat is great for catching up after a stressful work week, or to walk down memory lane and reminisce about anniversaries past. The importance of celebrating moments in a relationship (along with 10 other things listed below) are things I didn't know about love...until now, of course.

Falling unexpectedly. We've all heard a story about some girl who met some guy and within two minutes of conversing, they both realized that the other person was The One and a month later, they were married. Sorry not sorry, but I'm calling BS. I don't believe in love at first sight (nor love after first date, first text, or first month). Falling in love doesn't happen overnight and chances are, when one partner says "I love you" for the first time, the other partner is on a different page. When Jesse first told me he loved me, I told him that I was still falling. I expected one day to feel different. I don't know what I was expecting exactly but I guess I thought I would have a big epiphany in which I suddenly felt a rush and was compelled to run to him and tell him how I now felt. But that didn't happen and it still hasn't. I think falling in love with someone happens slowly. I can't pinpoint the day I fell in love with Jesse but I did, over the summer of 2013.

Distance does, in fact, make the heart grow fonder. If you've ever been in a long distance relationship, I feel for you. I spent the entire summer of 2013 in a long distance relationship with Jesse. When you can't see someone you love every day, you make room for them in a special place in your heart. This way, you can carry them with you, even if you are hours apart. I believe that in holding someone within you truly makes you value that person so much more. Distance is hard. My summer was spent counting down the days, hours, and minutes until Jesse visited, followed by a short 3 day visit which concluded with tears, the heartbreakingly beautiful sound of his Mustang starting up and driving away which left me sobbing uncontrollably on my front porch until I could compose myself to go inside to begin another countdown. To this day, I can't hear a Mustang start without getting a little choked up.

Time is precious. I will forever be grateful for being in a long distance relationship last summer because it taught me just how valuable time is. When you're apart for 3 weeks at a time and reunite for 3 days, you make the most of every single second. (Side note: nothing beats a reunited make-out session. N-o-t-h-i-n-g.) After moving back to school, I thought that we'd have lots more time together and everything would be just as peachy as our summer visits. [Insert incorrect buzzer tone here] Wrong. Between both of our full course loads and our jobs, we struggled to have quality time together. Our solution? Date nights. Once a week. Somewhere new. Non-negotiable. Fall semester they were Wednesdays, Spring semester they were Thursdays. Keeping one day and night a week to take your mind off responsibility is so important because it allows you to talk and laugh about the fun things in life. We also set aside time before bed to cuddle, laugh, talk, cry, etc. I try to never take one second for granted because last summer, they were seconds I craved.

Give and take (or give and give, or take and take). Love is a balancing act and it's all about support. Being in love means sacrificing certain wants in order to meet your partner in the middle. It truly is an exchange - give a little, take a little. If Jesse comes home from work really stressed, I'll sit an chat with him, give him a back rub, and cook dinner for him (give/give). Last summer when I was going through so much with surgery, he listened to me, let me cry, and encouraged me to keep moving forward (take/take). Overall, our relationship is equal give and take on both our behalves which is how I think any relationship should be.

There will be tears. I wouldn't consider myself to be an emotional person. I like to channel my inner Elsa and "conceal, don't feel." However, since I've been with Jesse, I've become more emotional. This new emotional side has spread, too, not solely effecting my love life. I cry when I leave my family after a visit, while watching any combination of wedding/proposal/military reunion/birth videos on YouTube (who doesn't?!), and over a plethora of minor day to day occurrences though I chalk those up to PMS. I think when you fall in love you realize something about yourself. You don't know how you love until you fall in love. I am so thankful to have Jesse in my life and stopping to think about everything that he's done for me and everything that we've been through together brings me to tears. Love is a really special thing.
  

Live for the moments. You aren't Allie from The Notebook. No guy is going to write you 365 letters and wait for you for that long. Likewise, don't expect every second of the relationship to be all about you. Yes, traditionally guys have paid for every meal, necklace, pair of sexy underwear, and flower but times are a little different now. Social media also doesn't help the fact that when one lucky lady receives a bouquet of roses as big as she is every girl out there becomes overwhelmed with jealousy and then yells at her boyfriend for not being romantic. The way I see it, store bought gifts are invaluable. What is valuable are little moments with the person you love when you see them differently. Sometimes Jesse and I are just talking and he'll laugh or smile and I suddenly get a rush of holy-moly-this-is-the-boy-I-want-to-be-with-for-the-rest-of-my-life. I live for moments like that and often wish I could capture it because it is so beautiful.

Talk it out. You've probably heard over and over again how communication is so important in relationships blah, blah, blah...Well I'm not going to preach about communication. Communication is important but so is honesty and the ability of open up 100% to the person you love. Early on in our relationship, Jesse and I put our talking skills to the test as we faced the hymenectomy together. We would often butt heads because I would be so close to giving up and he would push me along telling me to get it done. Then I would get mad thinking all he wanted was sex and he would get annoyed because he was just trying to help. Not only did we pass the surgery test but we continue to pass communication tests by being honest and telling each other every last detail about our lives. If you truly love someone, you shouldn't have any secrets or communication barriers. By being so open and honest, our relationship is stronger and we have a sturdy, trusting foundation.

The Sex Factor.  When you are in love with someone, you want to sleep with them. End of story. Reproducing is an actual biological need. (Thankfully now we have condoms and birth control so that need can be satisfied without having 2374 kids.) What I love most about having sex in a relationship is how in that moment, nothing else exists. It's just you and your partner, as close as you can ever be. Since I started having sex, it has undoubtedly brought me closer to Jesse and has enhanced our relationship like you wouldn't believe!

Arguments are necessary. Whoever said conflict in relationships is a bad thing was wrong. Every relationship needs a little conflict or else the overwhelming perfectness would likely drive you and your partner crazy! The ability to talk out your problems and resolve them is a key aspect of relationships because let's face it - life is complicated and filled with lots of ups and downs. When Jesse and I argue, we argue clean - no derogatory comments or "hits below the belt." We address the problem, solve it and move on. We also never go to bed mad. We always kiss and say "I love you" before we fall asleep.

Fall in love with the little things. I'm a simple girl. I hate the idea of being showered with expensive gifts (I also don't believe materialistic objects should increase one's affection for another person but whatever...) and being a "princess." For me, I fall in love with the simplest of actions. I was stressed out one day and without saying a word, Jesse started playing our song. I wandered out to the living room and he hugged me. I started crying (hello, new emotional side) and we just started slow dancing. It's things like that that mean the most to me because of the level of thoughtfulness. Jesse knew I was stressed and calmed me down without saying a single word and making me fall more in love with him than he knows.

Liberation

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Once upon a surgery...

I am proud to announce that on August 19th, 2013 I had my hymenectomy. I am so happy and relieved and proud of myself. These past 2 months have been a roller coaster of emotions and I am really proud of the outcome.

My surgery adventure began at 7:30am. I checked into the hospital and had to wait until about 8:10am. I was showed into this little hospital room and I got the bed by the window! I had to change into the standard hospital gown which was a little awkward because my boob kept popping out of the front pocket and my butt was hanging out of the back. The nurse that did my initial vital signs and IV was super nice and funny and really put me at ease. The IV hurt a little, but I got it in the back of my hand so it wasn't as bad as the blood work. (Speaking of blood work, I found out that I am B+)! The worst part was the waiting. I had to wait until about 9:10am to be moved into the OR.

In the OR room, everyone was suuuper nice! I was cold so the nurse brought me a heated blanket and it was wonderful! I also had to take a pregnancy test (????) before surgery which I thought was ironic because I was having surgery to HAVE kids someday...Oh well. The pregnancy test was a struggle though because I had to like, wheel the IV and hold the back of my gown so my butt didn't hang out. There was some backup in my IV which freaked me out! (Backup is just blood filling into the tube).

The nurse told me she was gonna give me the medicine soon and the room immediately starting spinning. I must have passed out like 10 seconds later! The strangest part though, was that I remember the nurse telling me that I'd have to move myself onto the operating table and I vaguely remember moving in a daze and people all around me, hooking me up to lots of different machines. It honestly felt like a dream. It was the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced!

I woke up in the PACU (post-anesthesia care unit) and my first thought was "I'M DONE!" I was so relieved but soo groggy! The nurse brought my mom in and I immediately texted and Tweeted everyone I knew! I woke up at about 11:20am. I was quickly moved into my hospital room again and then my IV was taken out and I was allowed to change and leave! I was in no pain whatsoever!

As I write, it's been a day and I still haven't had any pain! However, when I pee, it burns for the first few seconds but then it goes away! I'm really careful about movement as I don't want to open it again. I have some trouble getting comfortable especially when I sit and sleep but that's about it! It went waaay better than I could ever have expected. I am so happy it's over and so proud of myself.

4 years, 1 month, and 12 days after I learned about my septate hymen, it was gone.

Second Appointment!!!!!!!

So I'm sure you're wondering why I put 23984 exclamation points in the title. Well my fine female friends, that's because today was my appointment with the real doctor and it went SO WELL!!!!!

For starters, I didn't have time to be nervous because I was too worked up over my boyfriend leaving this morning. He came to visit Tuesday evening and stayed through 5am this morning. I always get super emotional when he leaves and by the time I had settled down, it was time for my 10:15 appointment with the gynecologist.

I was nervous driving there mostly because I didn't want a repeat of last visit. Last visit, I felt like I got nowhere which is the absolute worst feeling. We sat in the waiting room for a good 10 minutes which in my opinion, is the worst part. But soon enough, I was called to the back and assigned a tiny room where I was to sit and wait for the doctor.

Let me just say, I love my doctor which is a change for me because I usually hate them. She was so friendly and the first thing she said after saying hello was how her boyfriend had asked her if she'd gained weight after a July 4th BBQ! She was hilarious and then she turned on this monitor that was mounted to the wall and told me I could go online or watch TV while I waited! The best part is that she totally listened to what I said and put me at ease.

The actual exam part was the same. She promised me she wasn't going to put anything inside but when she was poking around it still hurt like crazy. She kept reassuring me that she was just touching, not inserting but I kept squirming and tensing my legs. But instead of giving up like the nurse she simply told me to make an appointment with a radiologist to get an ultrasound and then come back for a follow up which we will decide on surgery.

For those of you who aren't aware, sometimes people with septate hymens have septate uterus' which means I miiiight not be able to have kids of my own which not gonna lie, is a little depressing but I'll have to wait and see the results. I have my ultrasound appointment on the 10th and my follow up on the 26th.

As usual, I'll keep you all posted.

First visit? CHECK.

Phew! Well, I can officially say I've survived my first visit to the gynecologist! Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I mean I'm not gonna lie and say it was a walk through the park, but it wasn't the worst thing I've ever done.

Since it was my first visit, I had to do paperwork for a good 10-15 minutes beforehand. My handwriting sucked because I was shaky and nervous. After I filled all of that out, I went into the room with the nurse who took my blood pressure, height, and weight. After that, she left and I had to wait for the doctor. Waiting is the worst part but I got to wait fully clothed, which was quite pleasant. 

Turns out the doctor wasn't there so I had this lesbian nurse/midwife examine me. Honestly, I was super pissed because I told her from the start that I couldn't insert anything (i.e. finger, tampon, penis) and she proceeded to tell me she was going to examine me with a speculum and do a pap smear. I kindly had to remind her that nothing would fit because I tried endlessly with tampons but for whatever reason, she didn't seem to believe me. It actually took her trying to insert a finger and me jumping a foot and a half back in the seat in pain for her to realize that a full exam wasn't gonna happen. If only she had listened in the first place.... 

What also pissed me off was that after many failed attempts at insertion, she asked me if I had ever been abused or raped to which I was like, "Um, no." I was nervous because she was trying to insert huge objects that I told her wouldn't fit and she thought it was because I'd been raped.

She put me on the Pill which I guess was the only real benefit to the exam. I'm only upset because instead of having a surgery scheduled, I have another appointment this time with the REAL doctor. Hopefully she'll be more helpful. I absolutely hate doing things without a purpose so this infuriates me. I just want to be fixed gosh darn it! 

I cried a little earlier because I'm frustrated. Sometimes being a woman really stinks. I just want this to be over not even to have sex or use tampons, just so I don't have to have this hanging over my head anymore. I've known about this problem for 4 years now and ever since, it's always been in the back of my mind.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll visit the gyno tomorrow.

Holy crap I am freaking out even worse than last night if that's possible. I visit the gynecologist for the first time in 12 hours. I've been in the worst mood all day and my heart has been racing. I've wanted to talk to my mom all day and tell her how nervous I am but my sister was around all day, too, so I couldn't. I've been beside myself.

I'm trying to focus on the positives but it's so hard. I just keep saying to myself "be brave, be brave" and I'm hoping I start feeling it. I know I shouldn't be this nervous because it is only a consultation but I guess I'm just scared to bare it all for a stranger. That and the fact that after I walk out of there tomorrow I will have a surgery date scheduled. *deep breath*

Being a girl sucks.

Or, let me rephrase that, being a defective girl sucks.

(P.S. I hope some of you got the Annie reference in the title)

AHHHH I'M FREAKING OUT!!!!!

Okay, okay deep breaths. So it's currently 2:00am and I've been online researching my surgery for the past few hours. I texted my boyfriend earlier being all hysterical and dramatic. He didn't know why I was freaking out so badly seeing as my consultation isn't even until (technically) tomorrow. But what he, and I'm sure many others, don't understand is that I have extreme anxiety when it comes to doctors. I really can't pinpoint this fear specifically but the thought of the doctor, needles, blood, etc. instantly makes my heart race, my palms sweat, and my body cringe. Which is ironic because here I am, voluntarily going to the gynecologist.

This will be my first visit to the gynecologist and I am nervous for a plethora of reasons. The main one being that a stranger is going to be looking at my vagina. (Um, WHAT?) That alone is freaking me out. People on the web forums I've been religiously reading say it's not that bad but I'm still skeptical. I feel uncomfortable already and I'm fully clothed, curled up in my bed on my laptop.

I keep telling myself to be brave. I'm hoping that I can force myself to think of this as being a positive thing, as the first step to a sexual relationship. I keep telling myself that this will all be worth it soon and that someday I'll laugh...even though the only thing I want to do is scream and cry.

Meet the Virgin

Emily. 20. Virgin.

Hello Internet! First and foremost, I'd like to thank you for clicking on my blog for whatever reason! I'd just like to take a moment to introduce myself. I'm Emily and as you can see above, I'm 20 years old. I'll be a college sophomore year this fall. I'm studying Family Studies and hope to work with preteens/teens someday. As the title of this blog tells you, I am a virgin. I was single all throughout middle and high school but I now have a wonderful boyfriend of 4 months that I met in college. I suppose you're wondering why I'm still a virgin? Well to put it simply, I physically cannot have sex. I was born with an abnormal hymen that requires surgery. I happen to be terrified of doctors, needles, etc. I've decided to document this entire journey in a blog because I want others to learn and be able to be comforted (hopefully) by my adventure.