Inspirational Friday: A Little Confidence Goes A Long Way

Jesse and I were talking the other day in the car about satisfaction in the bedroom - particularly about couples who are less than satisfied in that part of the relationship. We speculated as to why that might be and confidence and self-esteem were brought up. I believe the problem isn't performance but lack of confidence.

Confidence is often a problem for girls. I, too, struggled with my self-esteem in middle school and early high school. I hated my skin for it was spotted with acne and I thought my thighs and butt were too big. I think we all fall into that trap of watching movies, reading magazines, and passing people on the street and comparing ourselves to them. We think, "she's so pretty," "I'll never have legs like that," or "I wish I had bigger boobs" and the confidence we have in ourselves plummets.

I got over all of this petty stuff when I got to college because I recognized it as just that - petty. It's easy in middle school to get caught up in the media and wish you looked differently because you don't have a lot much going on in life (or at least I didn't). Moving to college I realized that comparing yourself to other people was pointless because the fact is, you will never be as tall as that Calvin Klein model or have big boobs like that girl in your math class or look like Carrie Underwood but that's because you're not that Calvin Klein model or that girl in your math class or Carrie Underwood. You never will be. But that's okay!

The problem with lacking confidence will impact every aspect of your life - sex life included. If you're not confident in the way you look, how in the world will you be able to enjoy sexy time?! You'll be too nervous about the way you look that you won't be able to focus on the way that you feel!

The thing is, if a guy is sleeping with you, he's clearly attracted to you in some way! In the heat of the moment, as clothes hit the floor, you've got to realize that he's already interested in the way you look or else he wouldn't be sleeping with you! I mean, would you sleep with someone you weren't physically attracted to in any way?! No, you probably wouldn't.

Jesse also gave me insight into the guy's perspective. He told me surprisingly that guys are willing to accept your flaws! Let's pretend you're really self-conscious about your stomach area. A guy who's interested in you isn't going to let that be a deal breaker! (Side note: if you know a guy who would let your insecurities be a deal breaker then he's a dick and you shouldn't want to be with him!) Just realize that guys aren't going to notice your insecurities - but they will notice your confidence in bed.

Does this mean you have to act like a porn star every time you have sex? No. This means that instead of acting all timid and hiding parts of your body under the sheets that you own it! Don't worry about how you look or how you're doing because there are more important things to focus on during sex. Focus on what feels good to you and what you like!

You truly have to love yourself and your body before being physically intimate with someone or else I don't think you can be truly happy with that aspect of the relationship. Who wants to worry about what they look like every time they have sex? Not me! Love yourself and own what you've got and I guarantee that life in the bedroom will be much more satisfying.

Jessica Alba summed it up perfectly!

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M READY?!?!?

So you wanna lose your virginity. Maybe you've finally found the girl or guy of your dreams and you're ready to take it to the next level. Before getting down and dirty, I advise each and every one of you to think it through because you only get one first time and no one wants to regret it!

How to know if you are ready to have sex.

1. First things first. Ladies, if you haven't already, check your lady parts to make sure that you don't have an irregular hymen. Don't know what to look for? Read all about the different types of hymens here.
2. Talk about it! If you can't have a serious conversation with your significant other about having sex, you're probably not ready. Talking about having sex is a mature thing to do and if you can't, well, you probably aren't very mature and therefore shouldn't be doing it.
3. You've gotten tested. I'm totally guilty of not doing this but being a virgin, I knew I was safe and my boyfriend was safe because he had only ever had sex with two other virgins. If you or your partner has a sketchy history, just get tested. Better safe than ridden with chlamydia (or gonorrhea, syphilis, or any other nastiness)!
4. YOU want to. I cannot stress this one enough. You should never (I mean never, ever, ever, ever, EVER) have sex with someone because you feel like you have to. Both participants have to mutually want to do it. Maybe your boyfriend would like to have sex one month into the relationship but you'd rather wait until it's been 6 months. That's totally ok! However, in the mean time if you're feeling pressured by your boyfriend or he is threatening to not wait, you should probably get rid of him. A guy who wants to be with you will wait for you until YOU are ready.
5. You've played a little baseball. Relationships usually build. I don't think many go from just meeting to having sex in one night. If you've made it to first base (french-kissing), second base (touching sexy parts), or third base (oral sex), you are on your way to being ready to make it to home plate! Please note that you can skip bases. If you've never wanted to put your mouth near a penis, feel free to skip third! What I'm trying to say here, is that if you've fooled around for a while with someone, you're probably going to want to have sex with them.
6. You've got a plan. If you're thinking about what method of birth control you want to use (and have discussed this with your partner) then you are making progress towards being ready! Particular method doesn't matter (although I'd advise against the 'Natural Family Planning' or 'Pull Out' method here). What matters, is that you have one. What do I mean by "have one?" Make sure it's bought/prescribed/inserted or whatever needs to be done to ensure that you won't have a +1 in 9 months.
7. If the New York Times' heading the morning after was "[Insert Your Name] and [Insert Partner's Name] Made Love," you'd be ok with that. Not that they would, but if you'd be ok with everyone finding out that you and your partner just had sex, you're probably ready to have sex. You should be having sex with someone you're proud to be having sex with.
8. You know his name. This is for all of my crazy partiers. If you're into one night stands, great! Your sex life should be what you want it to be. I'm only suggesting this because for even the craziest of partiers, you're going to probably want to remember his name for practical (and self dignity) reasons.
9. You love your body. If you're an insecure person, you need to work on letting all of the little insecurities go! Remember, the person you have sex with is going to see you naked. You won't be able to hide that weird acne on your butt, the fact that you forgot to shave your armpits, or that extra slice of pizza you just ate. But don't worry! That boy who you are about to have sex with is not interested in your weird insecurities. If you are in a loving relationship, this boy loves you for you! You are beautiful to him and you turn him on! Plus, boys aren't going to notice the things that seem really obvious to you. Just as an example, I have a decent sized mole on my butt and I mentioned it to Jesse the other day who, until I showed him, had no idea that it existed! 
10. You feel comfortable with your partner. Like I already mentioned, if you're going to have sex with someone, they are going to know you in a very intimate way. Sex for the first time is not going to be like the movies. You are most likely going to have to tell your partner what does/doesn't feel good, what to do more of/less of, how fast/slow to go, etc. If you don't think you would be comfortable expressing your needs to your partner, you probably aren't ready.

If you feel confident with the 10 things I've just listed, you might just be ready to have sex! The truth is, only you know when you're ready to have sex. There probably won't be a 'eureka!' moment. But while developing a relationship with someone, feelings will intensify and the time will present itself. Don't overthink it. Let things work out the way they're meant to work out and play safe!

Virgin Territory Trailer!!!

I mentioned in my last post that I was a part of the new MTV show 'Virgin Territory' and I just found out that the trailer has been released! I've posted it below if you care to see it! I appear between 0:59-1:03.

Let me know what you think and make sure to watch on July 16th at 11/10c!

3 weeks.

It has been 3 weeks and 1 day since my surgery and I'm doing fine! I mean, it hurt when I peed for the first 2 days but since then it's been a breeze! At first, sitting in certain positions was a little uncomfortable but I mean, I never took any Advil or painkillers so I couldn't have asked for a better turnout!

On another note, the stitches have been falling out which was weird at first. I don't know how many sets there were but so far I've lost 2. My boyfriend was so sweet and looked at it a week and a half after surgery and it looked fine! It was open and I was so excited to see it looking like an actual vagina!

However, I looked at it today and it doesn't look like that at all...In fact it looks like it did before which is freaking me out. I still have a mental block because I still think of myself as being blocked. Getting over the whole mental block is going to be a struggle for sure. I had my period last week and tried using tampons and it hurt so bad so I had to stop.

I just hope that I can get over this mental block....

Once upon a surgery...

I am proud to announce that on August 19th, 2013 I had my hymenectomy. I am so happy and relieved and proud of myself. These past 2 months have been a roller coaster of emotions and I am really proud of the outcome.

My surgery adventure began at 7:30am. I checked into the hospital and had to wait until about 8:10am. I was showed into this little hospital room and I got the bed by the window! I had to change into the standard hospital gown which was a little awkward because my boob kept popping out of the front pocket and my butt was hanging out of the back. The nurse that did my initial vital signs and IV was super nice and funny and really put me at ease. The IV hurt a little, but I got it in the back of my hand so it wasn't as bad as the blood work. (Speaking of blood work, I found out that I am B+)! The worst part was the waiting. I had to wait until about 9:10am to be moved into the OR.

In the OR room, everyone was suuuper nice! I was cold so the nurse brought me a heated blanket and it was wonderful! I also had to take a pregnancy test (????) before surgery which I thought was ironic because I was having surgery to HAVE kids someday...Oh well. The pregnancy test was a struggle though because I had to like, wheel the IV and hold the back of my gown so my butt didn't hang out. There was some backup in my IV which freaked me out! (Backup is just blood filling into the tube).

The nurse told me she was gonna give me the medicine soon and the room immediately starting spinning. I must have passed out like 10 seconds later! The strangest part though, was that I remember the nurse telling me that I'd have to move myself onto the operating table and I vaguely remember moving in a daze and people all around me, hooking me up to lots of different machines. It honestly felt like a dream. It was the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced!

I woke up in the PACU (post-anesthesia care unit) and my first thought was "I'M DONE!" I was so relieved but soo groggy! The nurse brought my mom in and I immediately texted and Tweeted everyone I knew! I woke up at about 11:20am. I was quickly moved into my hospital room again and then my IV was taken out and I was allowed to change and leave! I was in no pain whatsoever!

As I write, it's been a day and I still haven't had any pain! However, when I pee, it burns for the first few seconds but then it goes away! I'm really careful about movement as I don't want to open it again. I have some trouble getting comfortable especially when I sit and sleep but that's about it! It went waaay better than I could ever have expected. I am so happy it's over and so proud of myself.

4 years, 1 month, and 12 days after I learned about my septate hymen, it was gone.

Dear Hymen, (a letter)

Dear Hymen,

We've been together for 20 1/2 years now and we're approaching the day in which we will be separated. It's a little sad to think of us parting ways but it's for the best.

It's not your fault you didn't form correctly when I was in my mother's womb. You had no idea that 16 years later I'd figure out how I was a rare case. Ever since I realized your presence I've cried an unimaginable amount of times.

Trying to lose you has been a journey. I remember the day the doctor told me I would, in fact, have surgery to rid myself of you and I was happy. I still am happy because this will allow me to use tampons, have sex, and children someday. Truth is if it's not today, it'll have to be someday.

Thank you for protecting me all these years. Knowing of your presence has kept me from making some stupid choices. You've given me time to figure out myself and my boundaries. But I have a boyfriend now and I suppose that's what changed it all. I promise you he will take care of me from here.

You have changed my life and I know you're just a small piece of skin but your impact has been profound. I've began tackling my fear of doctors and doctor appointments and I truly feel like I've grown as a person through this whole process. You've inspired me to share my story with everyone and let young girls out there know that it will be ok.

So thank you. You've caused temporary hell in my life but you've given me an opportunity to help females who are just like me.

Love,
Emily

UPDATES!!!!

Hi everyone! So sorry for the lapse in time. I've been so busy lately with vacations and job applications and life in general...not to mention appointments on appointments. Anyways, as the title says, this is the updates post.

Update 1: July 26th was my follow up appointment after the ultrasound. The week before this appointment I was visiting my boyfriend's apartment so again, I was mostly sad from saying goodbye instead of being nervous. However, I was extremely nervous waiting in the examination room because I was there to hear if I had any other reproductive problems. I was expecting the worst. Luckily, my doctor said the results were normal and that my insides look perfect! I was so relieved because that means I can have my own babies! Surgery got real when she starting filling out the paperwork and told me they'd call back later with a date and time(!!!!!!)

Update 2: The call came at 2:00 in the afternoon. The receptionist told me that my surgery would be on August 12th at noon. I was also then scheduled for pre-surgical testing and then another follow up with the gynecologist for the 7th and 9th respectively. I was glad to finally have an actual date!

Update 3: Yesterday I had my pre-surgical testing at the hospital. I'd never been a patient at a hospital before so it was really strange. My mom and my boyfriend came along which was really nice. I checked in and gave all of my basic information and then was sent to the pre-surgical testing suite where I had to wait. Oh how I looove waiting. (Note the sarcasm). Finally the nurse called my name and asked if I needed the bathroom (ugh, urine test) so I'll spare you the details but just know it wasn't fun. Then I had to answer all of these questions about my health and stuff in the examination room with the nurse. Up until then it seemed like a walk through the park, but then she said she needed to take blood. Now, just to clarify, that has always been my biggest fear. No joke, when anyone would talk about blood tests, I'd immediately fold my arms together and cringe. Buuut here I was, being told I needed to have one. I asked the nurse "REALLY?!" 4 times. The actual blood test didn't hurt, but I was uncomfortable because I knew what was going on. After it was over though time started to slow and my ears started ringing and everything got all tunnel-vision-y and I got cold and sweaty and nauseous. My first thought was how bleeding out must be a terrible way to go. The nurse asked if I was ok and got me some water. Then, she explained what I needed to do on the day of the surgery. I asked for more water because I literally thought I was gonna pass out and she brought my mom and boyfriend in the room. I was finally able to walk out of the hospital. I got in the car though and just started sobbing. I just was so overwhelmed and wanted it to be over so bad.

But here I am one day later and determined. I've come so far since June 18th and I honestly never dreamed I'd make it this far. We truly are stronger than we think we are.

What's up with my hymen?!?!

Hello lovelies! So today I'm going to blog about a few of the most common abnormalities you might find with your hymen. I still remember the day I discovered mine. It was before our yearly family vacation to the beach and I was fearful that my period would make an appearance again so I decided to give tampons a shot. I got a mirror out for guidance and attempted to insert the tampon. Let me tell you folks, it didn't go in. At all. Even worse, it kind of hurt. I thought I might be doing it all wrong so as many people in my generation do, I went to Google. Somehow, stories of girls with septate hymens popped up and I saw a photo of a sketched septate hymen that looked similar to what I was looking at in the mirror. I got really upset when I realized I would eventually need surgery to have sex and use tampons. But here we are, I've not only made the first steps to getting it fixed, but I've heard firsthand from a doctor that it'll be taken care of.

Imperforate Hymen: The first time you examine yourself (I highly advise that all of you do ASAP so you don't have a horror tampon or sex story), you might look completely sealed off. Like I said, mine is a septate hymen but the holes are SO tiny, a Q-tip would have trouble fitting. However, the true test with this hymen is your period. If you get a period, you do not have an imperforate hymen because the blood wouldn't come out! If you do get your period but it takes a looong time to finish, you might have a.....

Microperforate Hymen: This hymen usually means your period will last longer than 7 days. It also means (depending on the size of your hole) that you won't be able to insert tampons without pain. Similar to this hymen is the....

Septate Hymen: This hymen is personal because it's the one I have! If you have this type of hymen (again, depending on the size of the holes), you might be able to use tampons! However, you can get the tampon in, just not out because it expands when soaked with blood. If you have a thin septate, it might break during sexual intercourse but you'll be left with a "tag" or the piece of the hymen hanging down. Many choose to get this removed.

THE GOOD PART is that all of these can be fixed by simple surgical procedures. I highly advise all females to see what kind they have so they don't have a bad experience. If you have an imperforate hymen, it is imperative that you see a doctor ASAP because you need to have your period! The blood will just build up if not operated on which can cause all sorts of health problems. 

So what are you waiting for ladies? Get a mirror and take a look! If you have a abnormality, call the doctor whenever you're ready and start on the journey I'm on. The journey to normalcy.  

Second Appointment!!!!!!!

So I'm sure you're wondering why I put 23984 exclamation points in the title. Well my fine female friends, that's because today was my appointment with the real doctor and it went SO WELL!!!!!

For starters, I didn't have time to be nervous because I was too worked up over my boyfriend leaving this morning. He came to visit Tuesday evening and stayed through 5am this morning. I always get super emotional when he leaves and by the time I had settled down, it was time for my 10:15 appointment with the gynecologist.

I was nervous driving there mostly because I didn't want a repeat of last visit. Last visit, I felt like I got nowhere which is the absolute worst feeling. We sat in the waiting room for a good 10 minutes which in my opinion, is the worst part. But soon enough, I was called to the back and assigned a tiny room where I was to sit and wait for the doctor.

Let me just say, I love my doctor which is a change for me because I usually hate them. She was so friendly and the first thing she said after saying hello was how her boyfriend had asked her if she'd gained weight after a July 4th BBQ! She was hilarious and then she turned on this monitor that was mounted to the wall and told me I could go online or watch TV while I waited! The best part is that she totally listened to what I said and put me at ease.

The actual exam part was the same. She promised me she wasn't going to put anything inside but when she was poking around it still hurt like crazy. She kept reassuring me that she was just touching, not inserting but I kept squirming and tensing my legs. But instead of giving up like the nurse she simply told me to make an appointment with a radiologist to get an ultrasound and then come back for a follow up which we will decide on surgery.

For those of you who aren't aware, sometimes people with septate hymens have septate uterus' which means I miiiight not be able to have kids of my own which not gonna lie, is a little depressing but I'll have to wait and see the results. I have my ultrasound appointment on the 10th and my follow up on the 26th.

As usual, I'll keep you all posted.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll visit the gyno tomorrow.

Holy crap I am freaking out even worse than last night if that's possible. I visit the gynecologist for the first time in 12 hours. I've been in the worst mood all day and my heart has been racing. I've wanted to talk to my mom all day and tell her how nervous I am but my sister was around all day, too, so I couldn't. I've been beside myself.

I'm trying to focus on the positives but it's so hard. I just keep saying to myself "be brave, be brave" and I'm hoping I start feeling it. I know I shouldn't be this nervous because it is only a consultation but I guess I'm just scared to bare it all for a stranger. That and the fact that after I walk out of there tomorrow I will have a surgery date scheduled. *deep breath*

Being a girl sucks.

Or, let me rephrase that, being a defective girl sucks.

(P.S. I hope some of you got the Annie reference in the title)

AHHHH I'M FREAKING OUT!!!!!

Okay, okay deep breaths. So it's currently 2:00am and I've been online researching my surgery for the past few hours. I texted my boyfriend earlier being all hysterical and dramatic. He didn't know why I was freaking out so badly seeing as my consultation isn't even until (technically) tomorrow. But what he, and I'm sure many others, don't understand is that I have extreme anxiety when it comes to doctors. I really can't pinpoint this fear specifically but the thought of the doctor, needles, blood, etc. instantly makes my heart race, my palms sweat, and my body cringe. Which is ironic because here I am, voluntarily going to the gynecologist.

This will be my first visit to the gynecologist and I am nervous for a plethora of reasons. The main one being that a stranger is going to be looking at my vagina. (Um, WHAT?) That alone is freaking me out. People on the web forums I've been religiously reading say it's not that bad but I'm still skeptical. I feel uncomfortable already and I'm fully clothed, curled up in my bed on my laptop.

I keep telling myself to be brave. I'm hoping that I can force myself to think of this as being a positive thing, as the first step to a sexual relationship. I keep telling myself that this will all be worth it soon and that someday I'll laugh...even though the only thing I want to do is scream and cry.