2 Years Post Surgery...A Reflection

Two years ago I woke up from the surgery that forever changed my life. (Although on social media I posted that it was three years ago only to be corrected by my sister who remembers e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g - thanks Laur!)

When I discovered my septate hymen in 2009, I let it define who I was. I kept it a secret and internalized a lot of really negative thoughts I had about my body and who I was as a woman. It is during the teenage years that we are the most insecure so needless to say, my septate hymen became one of my biggest insecurities. Luckily, it was something I could hide from everyone.

My insecurity led to the belief that I was defective as a woman and that no one would ever want to be with me. As a result, I kind of hid from guys. I admired guys from afar but made no attempts to talk to them because that would lead to feelings and potentially a relationship which over time, would reveal my secret.

By the time I moved to college, a lot of my insecurities were put on the back burner so I could enjoy the college experience. Unfortunately they were brought to the surface again when I met a guy in November. He was interested in me and I reciprocated that interest and we began a very informal relationship. Things fell apart before he found out about my septate hymen but all along, I knew it was something I wasn't going to tell him. Like, I knew it would have been a deal breaker. Isn't that sad?

By defining ourselves by our sexuality we devalue who we are as people. For so many years I defined myself by what I was physically able to do in a relationship. I knew I was more than that but because I was physically different than other girls, I let a piece of tissue define who I was.

Meeting Jesse allowed me to escape my insecurity and shatter the way I defined myself. The fact that I had a septate hymen was never an issue for him. When he found out, he actually researched it while I was in class so he could understand what it was and what needed to be done to have it removed. He was there every step of the way and I am forever grateful for his support and constant love.

It's crazy to think that it's almost been a year since my episode aired on MTV's Virgin Territory, The night it aired was one of the most magical and exciting nights of my life. The support I've received and the girls that I've been able to help through this experience have made every setback in the process worth it. It's insane how one little piece of tissue has changed my life.

Inspirational Friday/Exciting Announcement: Hey, it's okay to indulge...!!!!

Words can't even describe how excited I am right now! I just booked a trip to Europe after I graduate from college in May!!!!!!! IS THIS REAL LIFE?!?!?!?!?

During my senior year of high school, I was lucky to be one of the 50 students in the class of 2011 that got to spend spring break in Spain. It was an incredible experience and I can remember sitting on an 8 hour bus ride from Barcelona to Madrid and having this epiphany that I needed to travel the world. Ever since I returned from Spain, I've been dreaming of my next overseas adventure.

I thought it would be London for the 2012 Olympics. I had it all planned out. I was going to stay with a host family and walk around London during the hubbub of the Olympic Games. The plans never came to fruition for a multitude of reasons. I put it off assuming that someday, somehow, I'd get to it.

London has been at the top of my travel bucket list for as long as I can remember. I wish I had some impressive reason as to why I want to visit London so badly but I don't. There's just always been something about those red double-decker buses and Big Ben that I'm drawn to. London is the one place that if I never got to visit before I kicked said bucket I would regret it...even from 6 feet under.

Why do we wait so long for the things we desire? We push our dreams aside while we pursue the life we've been taught to live. We go to work, we come home, we eat dinner and go to bed. Indulging feels foreign - wrong, even. We wait for the day when we're successful, rich, and settled before pursuing our most indulgent, selfish dreams.

I began to think about the next 10 years of my life (which has become quite common now that the "real world" starts in less than a year). I realized that after I graduate I'll have loans (#CryingForever), followed by saving for a new car (Jetta Baby isn't going to last forever #DoubleCryingForever), which leads up to purchasing a house (wut). The way my life is going, I won't be in any better a position to travel than I am right now.

Today was filled with signs. If you know me well, you'll know that I look for guiding signs everywhere and in everything. This morning on my 4:30am drive to work, I saw a shooting star. While I was browsing in Barnes and Noble, it seemed as if every book was centered around London or Paris. As I was driving back from my errands, my iPod was a mind reader and played "Now or Never" and that's when I realized: it's now or never,

So, I'm going. London, Paris, and Rome (the top 3 locations on my bucket list in order - another sign) are just under 300 days away. I still can't believe it. At first it felt a little selfish because I'll be putting a lot of money towards this trip and because I'll be travelling alone but I feel like I deserve it. I mean, heck, you only graduate college once. ;)

Here's to self-indulgence and getting to live out 3 of the many Mary-Kate and Ashley movies! Tehehe :)

                     

The Rollercoaster Known as Moving Away to College

It's almost that time of year again. In a few weeks, thousands of newly graduated high schoolers will be moving away to the colleges of their choosing. I can still vividly remember moving into my freshman year dorm and the weeks leading up to the big move. Whether you're moving to college this year or at some point in the near future, this post is for you.

The weeks before moving you will feel excited to start a new chapter of your life. This time is characterized by packing, buying dorm decorations, and searching for that perfect comforter for your new bed. You will fall asleep imagining all of the cool things you're going to try once you move in. This is a blissful time. Enjoy it.

The week before moving in is one of the weirdest weeks you will ever experience. You will feel every emotion possible and dwell on the "lasts." Your last Saturday home. Your last time sleeping in your own bed. Your last trip to Target.This will make you sad even though all Targets pretty much look the same.

The last full day is so emotional it's important to keep busy. Spend the day packing up everything. Try not to dwell on how weird your old room looks now that it's empty. Say your goodbyes to friends, extended family, and neighbors. Most importantly, don't make eye contact with stuffed animals.

The morning of the move, get up and ready as normal but don't dwell on the fact that it'll be your last time getting out of your old bed (until Thanksgiving break anyway) or brushing your teeth in a private bathroom. Say goodbye to your pets (make it quick because tears) and take a deep breath as you walk out of your front door and get into your parents car.

Once you drive away from your home, the worst is already over. Now, you're probably just going to be jittery and anxious. If you're me, you will be so nervous that you will throw up. Hopefully when you arrive at your new school, you will not open your door and accidentally let the bag o' vomit fall out onto the ground right in front of your fellow peers...#TrueStory

Move-in Day: Post Vomit

No matter how nervous you may be, try to embrace the moment. You only get one freshman move-in day so it's important to take it all in. Maybe you won't be nervous. Maybe you'll be excited beyond belief. Like anything, it'll be different for everyone. No matter what happens on move-in day, it'll surely be a day you'll remember for many years to come.

Welcome to college, class of 2019! :)
  

4 years...Reminiscing about College

In less than one month, I will begin my final year at the University of New Hampshire. It feels so surreal because I remember being a high school senior so vividly and now here I am, 4 years later (gap year, remember?), about to embark on my senior year of college.

4 years.

4 years when you're a kid feels like forever. 4 years as a child means getting taller, moving up a few shoe sizes, aging from single digits to double digits. 4 years as a child feels like forever because the changes that take place are often tangible. Post high school, time accelerates. The years become harder to define and often blur together a bit. This blur is very obvious during those magical college years.

Only, they aren't so magical.

I firmly believe that the most important lessons you learn in college take place outside of the classroom. Sure, debating the ethical principles of human experimentation is eye-opening but it pales in comparison to the experiences you gain in the "college real world."

College often feels like a reality show. There are moments where you're almost expecting some hipster producer to jump out and point out all of the hidden cameras while shouting, "Gotcha! You're on Candid Camera!" I really recommend writing down some of these experiences because they only get weirder as time passes.

And time will pass. Quicker than you think.

As a freshman, you'll be so naive and eager. College, to many, is synonymous with freedom so there is always potential for anything to happen hence the reality show comparison. It's fun but it's also easy to lose yourself this year. Everyone seeks out a second family of sorts because, well, the people you live with are all you've got!

My college experience has been a little unorthodox. I set aside the party lifestyle for a more real approach. I studied hard and worked hard. Let me tell you, it isn't always easy seeing everyone around you go out and have fun. In fact, I've lost many friends because of that. Some people see college as "one big party before reality hits" but I've always viewed it as 4 years to work really hard, push myself to be the best I can be, and by the end, be able to boast a stellar resume.

Here's the thing - you can't list all of the ragers you've been to on a resume. Or talk about them in a job interview. The only times in your life that it will be appropriate to talk about your wild college years will be a parties with fellow partiers. Oh, you used to get blackout drunk and sing Britney Spears songs? In the real world, no one cares.

Make sure that at the end of your 4 years you're proud of who you are and what you've accomplished. You are spending literally thousands of dollars to go to college so make sure you get your money's worth. Take advantage of making connections, joining clubs, and work study jobs (Note: no matter how many hours you've worked you will always struggle financially hence the ever-popular #BrokeCollegeKid saying).

When I throw my cap in the air at graduation, I know I'm going to be proud of myself. Our society is ever-changing but the value of hard work will always remain the same.

Virgin Shaming

As a girl, when it comes to your sexuality, you can never win. You're either too promiscuous or too prude with little room for variation. It's either "She'd do it with anyone" or "When is she going to give it up?" More often, girls are slut-shamed but it's also important to focus on another phenomenon: virgin shaming.

Girls can be virgins for a number of reasons. Maybe they're religious and believe that they have to wait until marriage. Maybe they were born with a hymen that prevents sexual intercourse until surgery is complete. Maybe they're scared to get hurt or just want to wait until they are in love. We need to respect whatever reason a young woman has for being a virgin even though that reason may not be shared publicly.

While I was filming for MTV, my jealous ex-bestie told my entire floor that I was a virgin and that's what MTV was doing in the 3rd floor lounge. I suddenly started reading tweets from people on my floor that I didn't even know calling me "pathetic" "weird" and "attention seeking" because I happened to be a virgin and I happened to be filming for a TV show. Their words weren't what hurt. What hurt was that they were so quick to judge without hearing why I was a virgin. Did they know I had to have surgery? No. Did they know that I had a mental block? No. Ironically, the friend that spread the rumor was also a virgin. #VirginsShamingVirgins

I find it fascinating that we live in a society that is so unaccepting of either side of the spectrum. We cast dirty looks to girls on their walks of shame but we just as equally laugh at awkward couples who still believe in waiting until their wedding night. Where is the happy medium? Why can't girls be accepted whether they choose to sleep with just one guy or twenty-one? More importantly,why do we care?!

Going on MTV to proclaim my virginity was one of those moments you have to embrace because you quickly realize that you are placing yourself on a show that is defining you. Despite having lost my virginity at the end of the show, I'm forever "the girl on that virgin show." Even worse, I continued to be shamed. I stumbled upon a web show that was talking about the finale. It started off innocently enough but soon the hosts started speculating as to why I had stopped filming. "It must have been pretty bad if she didn't want to show her face after..." Yikes.

We've got to stop girls from feeling badly about their sexual experiences. It's hard enough as a girl dealing with body shaming. The last thing we should be doing is belittling another female for what she is or isn't doing with someone. Let's let everyone live their lives the way they choose to. We're all entitled to our own opinions and morals but those should, in no way, be used in an authoritative way. At the end of the day, we never really know the reasons why someone does or doesn't do certain things so before we judge, stop and think about your own reasons as to why you are or aren't a virgin. Remember, at one point, we all were virgins.

Dunkin Donuts: Did YOU know?!

With just a little over a month left of summer 2015, I'm coming to the realization that I really did nothing else but work. Oh, well. Dunkin Donuts is actually a pretty cool place to work (read: free coffee). I work 35 hours a week and thought I would share some behind the scenes/helpful information that I've learned as an employee.

1. You can order individual munchkins. With tax, a single munchkin is 27 cents. Or, you can #TreatYoSelf and get 5 for $1.
2. If you are going to be ordering a Box O' Joe, please come inside to order it. They take some time to make and other customers at drive thru get pretty angry at us for taking so long even though it was because of you and your order.
3. We throw out all donuts at the end of the night. No, you cannot come in before close and get them for free.
4. Before you get pissed with the person at the window for "screwing up your drink" please realize that the drive thru process works like this: someone greets you and takes your order. Then, someone at the drive thru counter will make your drink (me!) and place it on a mat to be delivered to you via the person at window. See? Not only did the person at the window not make your drink, but they didn't even hear you order because they don't wear a headset.
5. If you're sitting in the backseat and trying to order, either yell - literally YELL - your order or tell it to the person driving so they can place it for you. We can't hear you in the backseat,
6. Please stop telling us that the area near the speaker smells like trash. The garbage is back there. It is going to smell like garbage.
7. Dunkin Donuts is a franchise so the guy who owns my Dunkin Donuts also owns 14 others in the area. This means that every Dunkin Donuts is different. Please stop trying to argue about how you paid $2.99 for a sausage, egg, and cheese at a location in Connecticut and how you should be charged the same at my store in New Hampshire. We are all different.
8. Stop ordering in the most nonsensical ways. "Dark roast, 4 creams, iced, 1 Splenda, medium coffee, please" doesn't make any sense in terms of sentence construction. Try this: "Medium iced dark roast with 4 creams and 1 Splenda please!" It's not that hard people.
9. We offer a senior discount but you'd be surprised by the amount of people that abuse this. It's 10% off but we get the occasional customer who is no older than 40 who asks for it. That's the other part of the senior discount - YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR IT. Even if you look like you're going to die tomorrow, we can't just give it to you. People get offended and complain if we do.
10. Speaking of discounts, if you have an AARP card, you can get a free donut with a beverage purchase!
11. You can order a cup of ice, a cup of ice water with a lemon, or a hot cup to put over your cold cup to keep it cold longer. We will charge you the price of a munchkin for any of these though. But hey, it's only 27 cents!
12. Stop complaining that we are too happy for 5am. Like, dude, I'm exhausted. It's 5:15am, I got 4 hours of sleep and I'd still like to be sleeping buuuut I need money and I'm getting paid to be smiley. Plus, we accept tips (*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*) so the happier I am to you, the more I'm hoping you'll be inspired to drop some dolla-dolla bills in my tip jar.
13. Speaking of tips, we split them so while I appreciate your 50 cent tip, there are 10 people here so you do the math...
14. If you are a dick to whoever is taking your order, I won't give you decaf coffee like a lot of other baristas would. Instead, I just give you an excessive amount of ice which means less coffee for you. Or, in a hot coffee, I won't be as generous with filling it up. So please be nice to whoever is taking your order.
15. We can hear you. Seriously. The speaker has a sensor so even if you aren't directly in front of our speaker, our headsets beep and we can "tune in" to the speaker. This means we can hear the weird side conversations you have. Same goes with when you "pull up" to the window. If there are cars in front of you, and you can only pull up 4 feet, the sensor doesn't turn off and we can still hear you. I've heard people swearing, yelling at their kids, and talking about vomit. On the inside, we all get a lot of good laughs.
16. We can also see you. We have cameras that look at your car so I can see what kind of car you drive and how you're behaving. Once, I saw a woman hit her steering wheel multiple times when I told her we were out of maple frosted donuts. I guess she was having a bad day. 
17. Don't tell us how to make your drink. We've got it. If you're that picky, you should just make it at home yourself.
18. If you're super nice, we'll hook you up! Being super nice lands you extra munchkins and a drink stirred to perfection.
19. No, the bagel twists or the guacamole flatbread are not coming back. You whining about it isn't going to change that either.
20. If you enjoy your coffee or your experience, TELL US! If you took a moment to actually look at your receipt, you'd realize that there's a survey at the bottom. Our managers love getting feedback and we crew members love it, too! Please, take the survey. If you do, you get a free donut! Who doesn't love donuts?!

What Your Favorite Dunkin Donuts Drink Says About You

My summer has consisted of working 35 hour weeks at Dunkin Donuts. I'm the drink maker which means I hear what you say through the speaker via a headset and I make your drink. I'd say I make about 500 drinks in any given shift and being the drive-thru make girl, I've realized certain patterns when it comes to which type of person orders what type of drink. Without further adieu, here is a list of drinks served at Dunkin Donuts and what they say about you.

What does your favorite Dunkin Donuts drink say about you?

Hot Drinks

A vanilla chai says, "I'm better than you" or "I'm too cheap to go to Starbucks"

A hot chocolate says, "I have commitment issues"

A mint, s'mores, or salted caramel hot chocolate says, "Wait, those exist?" or "I like to pretend I drink coffee!"

A hot latte says, "I can't afford Starbucks" or "I've got to get back to my novel"

A cappuccino says, "I'm having a crisis in my life" or "I have a lot of skeletons in my closet"

A Dunkaccino says, "I have trouble making basic life decisions" or "I'm greedy as heck"

A hot tea says, "I'm lazy AF"

A hot coffee says, "I'm an important person with an important job to go to" or "I have no idea what other drinks Dunkin Donuts offers"

Iced Drinks

An iced coffee (ordered by a girl) says, "I'm a basic girl who hashtag can't live without hashtag coffee"

An iced coffee (ordered by a guy) says, "I struggle with my masculinity" or "Coffee is gross"

An iced tea says, "I love everyone" or "I really wanna lose three pounds..."

An iced green tea says, "I'm late for yoga"

An iced latte says, "I'm a complex person" or "I'm single"

Frozen Drinks

A frozen coffee coolatta says, "I have no idea where my life is going" or "Did I remember to lock my door?"

A fruit flavored coolatta says, "I'm underage" or "I've never been kissed" or "I like One Direction"

A smoothie says, "I secretly like watching people suffer" or "I'm two-faced"

A frozen Dunkaccino says, "I CAN GET A DUNKACCINO FROZEN?!"

Flavors of Drinks

Caramel swirl says, "I'm L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y the most basic girl you will ever meet"

Mocha swirl says, "I'm on my man period"

Butter pecan swirl says, "I've always struggled with my weight" or "I have low self-esteem"

French vanilla swirl says, "I put myself first, Always."

Rocky road swirl says, "I escalate the situation quickly"

Cookie dough swirl says, "I have no idea what reality is"

Pumpkin swirl says, "I'm the textbook definition of basic" or "I only watch sports when my team is winning!"

Drink Styles

'Black' says, "I have a penis" 

'Extra, extra' says, "I hate coffee" or "I have a vagina"

'Two pumps of mocha, three shots of raspberry, half of a Splenda, and two creams' says, "I hate everything about everyone" or "I have trust issues"

'Less ice' says, "I'm a cheapskate"

'Small hot.....' says, "I'm older than 65"

'Extra large' says, "I have anxiety"

Did I get yours right? Let me know! Happy sippin'!