After my surgery, I was elated. The storm clouds had cleared
and I could finally breathe again. There was nothing physical preventing me
from having sex or using tampons. Once my 4 week healing period was up, I was
so excited to get it on with my boyfriend. But just as every other part of this
adventure, I was met with another challenge.
I was
absolutely sure that I would lose my virginity on September 16.That day has no
significance in either of our lives but that day marked the end of the long 4
week healing period. I (thought) I was ready, he was ready, what was the
problem? The problem happened to be my brain. See, the doctor physically cut my
hymen off (sorry for the bluntness) but she didn’t cut out the part of my brain
that was attached to my hymen’s presence. Basically, I still felt as though my
hymen was present even though it was probably sitting in the hospital waste
pile.
Many ‘first
time’ attempts later, I was convinced that I was cursed. Every time Jesse was
about to enter me, I would freak out similar to how I reacted prior to the
surgery when the doctor would get anywhere near my vagina. I would then get
frustrated and cry because I wanted to have sex so badly but couldn’t because I
still felt as though my hymen was there. Jesse and I decided that the only
person who could help was a therapist.
Not
gonna lie, I was so skeptical of going to see a therapist. I had no idea what a
therapist would say to correct me of the ‘mental/emotional block’ I was dealing
with. I had to toss my skepticism aside though because therapy was my last
hope.
My
therapist, Dr. Karen Ruskin, was nothing like I pictured a therapist to be
like. She was pretty and friendly (not to mention a native New Yorker as well)!
The therapy session was interactive which I guess I didn’t expect seeing as I
was stuck in the cliché where an old therapist makes you lie down, nods, says
things like “mhmm” and “how do you feel about that?” One of the first things
she did was ask me to describe my vagina. It caught me off guard but I
described it as being gross, scary, weird, ugly, etc. She suggested I try
changing way I think about my vagina leading me to change the words I use to
describe it. I left my first visit with more positive words – beautiful, open,
ready to bloom (I really loved the flower references).
 |
| Dr. Ruskin suggested I look at paintings by Georgia O'Keeffe and now I can see why... |
For
homework I had to get personal. I got a hand mirror and was instructed to look
and touch my lady parts. I’m not gonna lie, I thought this was ridiculous
because I had looked at it a million times before the surgery cursing it each
time. This time, however, I witnessed my actual vagina opening up. It finally
looked normal (side note: when I say normal I mean without the septate hymen
because let’s be real, all vaginas look a little cray cray in their own way)
and for a moment I just looked at it with a sense of appreciation. I didn’t
think it was beautiful but it after all of the appointments and surgery I put
it through, I concluded that it was definitely on its way.
Less
than a month after therapy, Jesse and I finally made love for the first time.
Without the lovely Dr. Karen Ruskin, I don’t know if I would have been able to
say that. She helped what I thought was an unsolvable problem and for that, I
am forever grateful.
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