3 weeks.

It has been 3 weeks and 1 day since my surgery and I'm doing fine! I mean, it hurt when I peed for the first 2 days but since then it's been a breeze! At first, sitting in certain positions was a little uncomfortable but I mean, I never took any Advil or painkillers so I couldn't have asked for a better turnout!

On another note, the stitches have been falling out which was weird at first. I don't know how many sets there were but so far I've lost 2. My boyfriend was so sweet and looked at it a week and a half after surgery and it looked fine! It was open and I was so excited to see it looking like an actual vagina!

However, I looked at it today and it doesn't look like that at all...In fact it looks like it did before which is freaking me out. I still have a mental block because I still think of myself as being blocked. Getting over the whole mental block is going to be a struggle for sure. I had my period last week and tried using tampons and it hurt so bad so I had to stop.

I just hope that I can get over this mental block....

Once upon a surgery...

I am proud to announce that on August 19th, 2013 I had my hymenectomy. I am so happy and relieved and proud of myself. These past 2 months have been a roller coaster of emotions and I am really proud of the outcome.

My surgery adventure began at 7:30am. I checked into the hospital and had to wait until about 8:10am. I was showed into this little hospital room and I got the bed by the window! I had to change into the standard hospital gown which was a little awkward because my boob kept popping out of the front pocket and my butt was hanging out of the back. The nurse that did my initial vital signs and IV was super nice and funny and really put me at ease. The IV hurt a little, but I got it in the back of my hand so it wasn't as bad as the blood work. (Speaking of blood work, I found out that I am B+)! The worst part was the waiting. I had to wait until about 9:10am to be moved into the OR.

In the OR room, everyone was suuuper nice! I was cold so the nurse brought me a heated blanket and it was wonderful! I also had to take a pregnancy test (????) before surgery which I thought was ironic because I was having surgery to HAVE kids someday...Oh well. The pregnancy test was a struggle though because I had to like, wheel the IV and hold the back of my gown so my butt didn't hang out. There was some backup in my IV which freaked me out! (Backup is just blood filling into the tube).

The nurse told me she was gonna give me the medicine soon and the room immediately starting spinning. I must have passed out like 10 seconds later! The strangest part though, was that I remember the nurse telling me that I'd have to move myself onto the operating table and I vaguely remember moving in a daze and people all around me, hooking me up to lots of different machines. It honestly felt like a dream. It was the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced!

I woke up in the PACU (post-anesthesia care unit) and my first thought was "I'M DONE!" I was so relieved but soo groggy! The nurse brought my mom in and I immediately texted and Tweeted everyone I knew! I woke up at about 11:20am. I was quickly moved into my hospital room again and then my IV was taken out and I was allowed to change and leave! I was in no pain whatsoever!

As I write, it's been a day and I still haven't had any pain! However, when I pee, it burns for the first few seconds but then it goes away! I'm really careful about movement as I don't want to open it again. I have some trouble getting comfortable especially when I sit and sleep but that's about it! It went waaay better than I could ever have expected. I am so happy it's over and so proud of myself.

4 years, 1 month, and 12 days after I learned about my septate hymen, it was gone.

T-minus 12 hours.....

Hi everyone! So my surgery is TOMORROW. I woke up this morning really nervous and couldn't eat until like 2 in the afternoon but my nerves have subsided. In fact, I'm waaaay less nervous than I thought I'd be. I used to get more nervous for my pediatrician yearly physicals! I guess that means I'm somewhat over my fear of doctors. I've gained something from this whole process after all!

I think I'm calmer because I know what to expect. I've been told everything that's going to happen so I don't have that whole "fear of the unknown" thing. That always seems to be the cause of my fear. I'll let everyone know what happens afterwards so you can expect a verrrry long blog post tomorrow!

As for tonight, I have to bathe in antiseptic solution and stop eating after midnight. Right now, I'm in chow mode. I'm eating everything and anything I can. I mean, YOLO right?! Haha but in all seriousness, I'm really glad with how things are working out. I'm proud of where I am today!

Dear Hymen, (a letter)

Dear Hymen,

We've been together for 20 1/2 years now and we're approaching the day in which we will be separated. It's a little sad to think of us parting ways but it's for the best.

It's not your fault you didn't form correctly when I was in my mother's womb. You had no idea that 16 years later I'd figure out how I was a rare case. Ever since I realized your presence I've cried an unimaginable amount of times.

Trying to lose you has been a journey. I remember the day the doctor told me I would, in fact, have surgery to rid myself of you and I was happy. I still am happy because this will allow me to use tampons, have sex, and children someday. Truth is if it's not today, it'll have to be someday.

Thank you for protecting me all these years. Knowing of your presence has kept me from making some stupid choices. You've given me time to figure out myself and my boundaries. But I have a boyfriend now and I suppose that's what changed it all. I promise you he will take care of me from here.

You have changed my life and I know you're just a small piece of skin but your impact has been profound. I've began tackling my fear of doctors and doctor appointments and I truly feel like I've grown as a person through this whole process. You've inspired me to share my story with everyone and let young girls out there know that it will be ok.

So thank you. You've caused temporary hell in my life but you've given me an opportunity to help females who are just like me.

Love,
Emily

UTIs can go DIE.

I'm not in a good mood. In fact, I really haven't been since Friday afternoon. As many of you know, Friday morning was my last appointment before surgery. The appointment went well and I was feeling really positive. My doctor will be doing the surgery and she just gave me the basics on everything to expect. All of my questions/fears were answered/calmed and I was looking forward to being done on Monday!

However, based on the title I'm sure you can tell that something went wrong...and it did. When it rains, it pours and as an award winning script writer would write, it was raining that afternoon. My doctor called in the early afternoon. It all happened so fast. She told me I had a UTI and they would have to cancel the surgery. I was stunned. So stunned that I'm surprised I remembered the info about the antibiotic she prescribed. I hung up the phone, told my mother surgery was cancelled, and started to cry.

So now here I am. Sunday night. Bitter that if I didn't have this UTI I would be resting for my surgery tomorrow. I was put on an antibiotic that I take for 3 days. I have a retest on Tuesday in which I will cross my fingers and pray that I am UTI free.

I broke down in the shower. This journey has been such a roller coaster ride. There have been times I've wanted to get off right in the middle of the ride and there have been moments in which I have felt my stomach drop and have felt pure fear. It has been hard, I'm not going to sugar coat it. But thankfully, I have the most loving, kind, and supportive team ever.

Without them, I couldn't do any of this♥

UPDATES!!!!

Hi everyone! So sorry for the lapse in time. I've been so busy lately with vacations and job applications and life in general...not to mention appointments on appointments. Anyways, as the title says, this is the updates post.

Update 1: July 26th was my follow up appointment after the ultrasound. The week before this appointment I was visiting my boyfriend's apartment so again, I was mostly sad from saying goodbye instead of being nervous. However, I was extremely nervous waiting in the examination room because I was there to hear if I had any other reproductive problems. I was expecting the worst. Luckily, my doctor said the results were normal and that my insides look perfect! I was so relieved because that means I can have my own babies! Surgery got real when she starting filling out the paperwork and told me they'd call back later with a date and time(!!!!!!)

Update 2: The call came at 2:00 in the afternoon. The receptionist told me that my surgery would be on August 12th at noon. I was also then scheduled for pre-surgical testing and then another follow up with the gynecologist for the 7th and 9th respectively. I was glad to finally have an actual date!

Update 3: Yesterday I had my pre-surgical testing at the hospital. I'd never been a patient at a hospital before so it was really strange. My mom and my boyfriend came along which was really nice. I checked in and gave all of my basic information and then was sent to the pre-surgical testing suite where I had to wait. Oh how I looove waiting. (Note the sarcasm). Finally the nurse called my name and asked if I needed the bathroom (ugh, urine test) so I'll spare you the details but just know it wasn't fun. Then I had to answer all of these questions about my health and stuff in the examination room with the nurse. Up until then it seemed like a walk through the park, but then she said she needed to take blood. Now, just to clarify, that has always been my biggest fear. No joke, when anyone would talk about blood tests, I'd immediately fold my arms together and cringe. Buuut here I was, being told I needed to have one. I asked the nurse "REALLY?!" 4 times. The actual blood test didn't hurt, but I was uncomfortable because I knew what was going on. After it was over though time started to slow and my ears started ringing and everything got all tunnel-vision-y and I got cold and sweaty and nauseous. My first thought was how bleeding out must be a terrible way to go. The nurse asked if I was ok and got me some water. Then, she explained what I needed to do on the day of the surgery. I asked for more water because I literally thought I was gonna pass out and she brought my mom and boyfriend in the room. I was finally able to walk out of the hospital. I got in the car though and just started sobbing. I just was so overwhelmed and wanted it to be over so bad.

But here I am one day later and determined. I've come so far since June 18th and I honestly never dreamed I'd make it this far. We truly are stronger than we think we are.

IT'S A..........(an ultrasound story)

Today was my ultrasound appointment and honestly, I was hardly nervous! I've come a long way since June 18th. Anyways, I had been instructed to drink 2 bottles of water an hour before my appointment and that was what I was dreading most. I woke up pretty early and got out of the shower a little late so I had to drink 32 oz. of water in just about 20 minutes. I literally felt like throwing up.

My appointment wasn't at my doctor's office but an actual radiologist center. The waiting room was filled with old and obese people so I looked very out of place. Every one kept staring at me and I'm sure they all thought I was pregnant. Oh, if only they knew how wrong they were...

I finally got called into the ultrasound room and the lights were all dim. The lady squirted a bunch of ultrasound gel on my pelvis and it kind of stung a little bit. The actual ultrasound wasn't terrible, but it was a little uncomfortable because I had to pee so badly at this point and she had to use a lot of pressure. She couldn't find my left ovary so she had to press harder and like I said, the pressure was just uncomfortable. But it didn't hurt at all.

The thing I was most nervous for was the radiologist to confirm my worst fear that I had a septate uterus or some other issue with my insides. Halfway through she said everything looked fine, but I obviously still have to see what my doctor says when I go back for the follow up. I'm just hoping everything is okay and we schedule the surgery and this can be all over.

I'm going to be so relieved when it is.

What's up with my hymen?!?!

Hello lovelies! So today I'm going to blog about a few of the most common abnormalities you might find with your hymen. I still remember the day I discovered mine. It was before our yearly family vacation to the beach and I was fearful that my period would make an appearance again so I decided to give tampons a shot. I got a mirror out for guidance and attempted to insert the tampon. Let me tell you folks, it didn't go in. At all. Even worse, it kind of hurt. I thought I might be doing it all wrong so as many people in my generation do, I went to Google. Somehow, stories of girls with septate hymens popped up and I saw a photo of a sketched septate hymen that looked similar to what I was looking at in the mirror. I got really upset when I realized I would eventually need surgery to have sex and use tampons. But here we are, I've not only made the first steps to getting it fixed, but I've heard firsthand from a doctor that it'll be taken care of.

Imperforate Hymen: The first time you examine yourself (I highly advise that all of you do ASAP so you don't have a horror tampon or sex story), you might look completely sealed off. Like I said, mine is a septate hymen but the holes are SO tiny, a Q-tip would have trouble fitting. However, the true test with this hymen is your period. If you get a period, you do not have an imperforate hymen because the blood wouldn't come out! If you do get your period but it takes a looong time to finish, you might have a.....

Microperforate Hymen: This hymen usually means your period will last longer than 7 days. It also means (depending on the size of your hole) that you won't be able to insert tampons without pain. Similar to this hymen is the....

Septate Hymen: This hymen is personal because it's the one I have! If you have this type of hymen (again, depending on the size of the holes), you might be able to use tampons! However, you can get the tampon in, just not out because it expands when soaked with blood. If you have a thin septate, it might break during sexual intercourse but you'll be left with a "tag" or the piece of the hymen hanging down. Many choose to get this removed.

THE GOOD PART is that all of these can be fixed by simple surgical procedures. I highly advise all females to see what kind they have so they don't have a bad experience. If you have an imperforate hymen, it is imperative that you see a doctor ASAP because you need to have your period! The blood will just build up if not operated on which can cause all sorts of health problems. 

So what are you waiting for ladies? Get a mirror and take a look! If you have a abnormality, call the doctor whenever you're ready and start on the journey I'm on. The journey to normalcy.  

Second Appointment!!!!!!!

So I'm sure you're wondering why I put 23984 exclamation points in the title. Well my fine female friends, that's because today was my appointment with the real doctor and it went SO WELL!!!!!

For starters, I didn't have time to be nervous because I was too worked up over my boyfriend leaving this morning. He came to visit Tuesday evening and stayed through 5am this morning. I always get super emotional when he leaves and by the time I had settled down, it was time for my 10:15 appointment with the gynecologist.

I was nervous driving there mostly because I didn't want a repeat of last visit. Last visit, I felt like I got nowhere which is the absolute worst feeling. We sat in the waiting room for a good 10 minutes which in my opinion, is the worst part. But soon enough, I was called to the back and assigned a tiny room where I was to sit and wait for the doctor.

Let me just say, I love my doctor which is a change for me because I usually hate them. She was so friendly and the first thing she said after saying hello was how her boyfriend had asked her if she'd gained weight after a July 4th BBQ! She was hilarious and then she turned on this monitor that was mounted to the wall and told me I could go online or watch TV while I waited! The best part is that she totally listened to what I said and put me at ease.

The actual exam part was the same. She promised me she wasn't going to put anything inside but when she was poking around it still hurt like crazy. She kept reassuring me that she was just touching, not inserting but I kept squirming and tensing my legs. But instead of giving up like the nurse she simply told me to make an appointment with a radiologist to get an ultrasound and then come back for a follow up which we will decide on surgery.

For those of you who aren't aware, sometimes people with septate hymens have septate uterus' which means I miiiight not be able to have kids of my own which not gonna lie, is a little depressing but I'll have to wait and see the results. I have my ultrasound appointment on the 10th and my follow up on the 26th.

As usual, I'll keep you all posted.

Tips for Your First Gynecologist Visit

Hi gals! So in lieu of today's visit, I decided to write some tips on what you should know/expect from your first gynecologist visit. It's totally not scary (unlike I first thought) and I'm abnormal.

On the day of your exam:

• Try to keep as calm as possible, it isn't the worst thing in the world. I wrote "be brave" on my wrist to help me stay focused.
• If you're going with a parent, friend, guardian, or trusted adult, talk it out with them on the car ride. Talking to my mom about being nervous made me way less nervous.
• Take as many deep breaths as you need.
• When the doctor comes in, admit that you're nervous! It's totally okay to be nervous and the doctors expect that you will be.
• If something during the exam hurts or makes you feel uncomfortable, SAY SO! This isn't about seeing how much pain you can tolerate. The nurse who examined me stopped examining me completely because I was in pain. 
• Bring a list of questions if you need to. I actually didn't do this, but man, I wish I had. Once I was in the examination room, I forgot EVERYTHING!

Always remember, thousands of women have been through this before. The doctors have seen it all, heard it all, much of which is waaaaaaay worse than what you're issues are. Just stay as calm as you can. Get into your zone. (For me this includes listening to hardcore rap music. I don't know why but it calms me and helps me focus). It honestly is over before you know it. 

If you have any questions/concerns about your first visit, please contact me! I really want to help everyone! I've been there before and would be delighted to try and help you in whatever way I can, even if it's just a little 'you can do it!' spirit!

First visit? CHECK.

Phew! Well, I can officially say I've survived my first visit to the gynecologist! Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I mean I'm not gonna lie and say it was a walk through the park, but it wasn't the worst thing I've ever done.

Since it was my first visit, I had to do paperwork for a good 10-15 minutes beforehand. My handwriting sucked because I was shaky and nervous. After I filled all of that out, I went into the room with the nurse who took my blood pressure, height, and weight. After that, she left and I had to wait for the doctor. Waiting is the worst part but I got to wait fully clothed, which was quite pleasant. 

Turns out the doctor wasn't there so I had this lesbian nurse/midwife examine me. Honestly, I was super pissed because I told her from the start that I couldn't insert anything (i.e. finger, tampon, penis) and she proceeded to tell me she was going to examine me with a speculum and do a pap smear. I kindly had to remind her that nothing would fit because I tried endlessly with tampons but for whatever reason, she didn't seem to believe me. It actually took her trying to insert a finger and me jumping a foot and a half back in the seat in pain for her to realize that a full exam wasn't gonna happen. If only she had listened in the first place.... 

What also pissed me off was that after many failed attempts at insertion, she asked me if I had ever been abused or raped to which I was like, "Um, no." I was nervous because she was trying to insert huge objects that I told her wouldn't fit and she thought it was because I'd been raped.

She put me on the Pill which I guess was the only real benefit to the exam. I'm only upset because instead of having a surgery scheduled, I have another appointment this time with the REAL doctor. Hopefully she'll be more helpful. I absolutely hate doing things without a purpose so this infuriates me. I just want to be fixed gosh darn it! 

I cried a little earlier because I'm frustrated. Sometimes being a woman really stinks. I just want this to be over not even to have sex or use tampons, just so I don't have to have this hanging over my head anymore. I've known about this problem for 4 years now and ever since, it's always been in the back of my mind.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll visit the gyno tomorrow.

Holy crap I am freaking out even worse than last night if that's possible. I visit the gynecologist for the first time in 12 hours. I've been in the worst mood all day and my heart has been racing. I've wanted to talk to my mom all day and tell her how nervous I am but my sister was around all day, too, so I couldn't. I've been beside myself.

I'm trying to focus on the positives but it's so hard. I just keep saying to myself "be brave, be brave" and I'm hoping I start feeling it. I know I shouldn't be this nervous because it is only a consultation but I guess I'm just scared to bare it all for a stranger. That and the fact that after I walk out of there tomorrow I will have a surgery date scheduled. *deep breath*

Being a girl sucks.

Or, let me rephrase that, being a defective girl sucks.

(P.S. I hope some of you got the Annie reference in the title)

AHHHH I'M FREAKING OUT!!!!!

Okay, okay deep breaths. So it's currently 2:00am and I've been online researching my surgery for the past few hours. I texted my boyfriend earlier being all hysterical and dramatic. He didn't know why I was freaking out so badly seeing as my consultation isn't even until (technically) tomorrow. But what he, and I'm sure many others, don't understand is that I have extreme anxiety when it comes to doctors. I really can't pinpoint this fear specifically but the thought of the doctor, needles, blood, etc. instantly makes my heart race, my palms sweat, and my body cringe. Which is ironic because here I am, voluntarily going to the gynecologist.

This will be my first visit to the gynecologist and I am nervous for a plethora of reasons. The main one being that a stranger is going to be looking at my vagina. (Um, WHAT?) That alone is freaking me out. People on the web forums I've been religiously reading say it's not that bad but I'm still skeptical. I feel uncomfortable already and I'm fully clothed, curled up in my bed on my laptop.

I keep telling myself to be brave. I'm hoping that I can force myself to think of this as being a positive thing, as the first step to a sexual relationship. I keep telling myself that this will all be worth it soon and that someday I'll laugh...even though the only thing I want to do is scream and cry.

Meet the Virgin

Emily. 20. Virgin.

Hello Internet! First and foremost, I'd like to thank you for clicking on my blog for whatever reason! I'd just like to take a moment to introduce myself. I'm Emily and as you can see above, I'm 20 years old. I'll be a college sophomore year this fall. I'm studying Family Studies and hope to work with preteens/teens someday. As the title of this blog tells you, I am a virgin. I was single all throughout middle and high school but I now have a wonderful boyfriend of 4 months that I met in college. I suppose you're wondering why I'm still a virgin? Well to put it simply, I physically cannot have sex. I was born with an abnormal hymen that requires surgery. I happen to be terrified of doctors, needles, etc. I've decided to document this entire journey in a blog because I want others to learn and be able to be comforted (hopefully) by my adventure.