Stop the Shaming!

While watching the previews for Virgin Territory, I've noticed something interesting. To the oblivious viewer, they see nothing but a girl with red hair proclaiming over and over how scared she is. But when I watch, I can't help but notice the true fear and shame in my eyes.

We like to think that being ashamed relates to bad behavior. Those moments when you fake sick to stay home from school (hello, preschool), sitting in the corner by yourself as punishment for being naughty, or having a teacher hand back a test you didn't do so well on. These are all shameful moments but I think we, as individuals, shame ourselves more than any one else does. I know I did.

Figuring out that your lady parts are different than everyone else around you was a really difficult thing for me. Without even realizing it I began to compare myself to other girls (namely, the girls that used tampons because that was definite proof to me that they did not have septate hymens). Every time a girl mentioned needing to buy tampons, or asking if anyone had an extra tampon, I would immediately think of my septate hymen and then I'd feel jealous. I started to define myself as "sexually defective" because I couldn't do what other girls were doing.

As a perfectionist, I hate not being perfect. Now, I will be the first to tell you that I'm not perfect but perfectionism is in the eyes of the perfectionist, and in my eyes, my septate hymen made me imperfect. At 16, I became so ashamed of my body, especially my sexuality because I knew, medically, that it wasn't perfect. I began referring to my surgery as "getting fixed" as if I was broken. I withdrew from guys and social situations in which I might meet guys because I truly believed no boy would ever want to be with me if I was "sexually defective." 

I'm a bit teary-eyed writing this because these are all feelings that I felt without truly realizing their impact. When I watch myself on MTV, I see that ashamed girl and my heart goes out to her.But that's one of the cool things about being on the show. I will forever be able to look back at my time on the show and see how far I've come. 

I'm happy to report that I'm no longer ashamed. I am confident in myself and my sexuality. But to all of the ladies, we have to stop self-shaming. It's damaging. Our brains are wonderful but we quickly forget how easy they believe what they've been told hundreds of times. To my septate sisters out there, you are not broken, defective, or worthless...you were just born with a little extra somethin'. But believe me when I say, it's nothing to be ashamed about.