Looking Back on Twenty-Two!

Twenty-two is a weird age to be. It's the first birthday that you don't really care about. You are acutely aware of your age and feel equal parts young and old. After twenty-one, all other birthdays are a letdown. You're now legally allowed to drive (hi, sixteen), vote, buy lotto tickets and porn (what's good, eighteen?!), and drink so twenty-two is kind of an 'eh' year.

At twenty-two, you'll realize that pretty much everyone you went to high school with is either a) pregnant b) engaged c) married or d) all of the above and it never gets any less weird. At twenty-two, if I was a, b, c, or d, I'd be tweaking out.

At twenty-two, kids are kind of like Pandora's box. Some days, I see cute kids, smile, and imagine the day I'll have some of my own and other days, I see kids screaming and crying and it makes me want to go get my tubes tied. There really is no in between with this feeling.

However, you'll feel a little pressured at twenty-two to have kids. I mean, when my mom was twenty-two, she was pregnant with yours truly. That freaks me out almost as much as the ticking biological clock. Women are the most fertile from eighteen through twenty-four so I'm running out of time. Although lately, the mindset is that if I have kids, fantastic, and if I don't, oh well. I've taken a neutral stance.

At twenty-two, you'll have days where you feel like you can conquer the world and days where you feel like conquering a whole new series on Netflix and an entire pizza. What? Cooking for yourself sucks.

At twenty-two, you've finally gotten past all of those tiny insecurities you always had with your body. Enjoy this by having lots of sex. I mean, better enjoy that naked body before all of the weird wrinkles and sags start happening...right?!

At twenty-two, it's still acceptable to accidentally get drunk at a wine tasting without anyone thinking you have a problem. Likewise, it's still acceptable to go to a bar, order one drink, and get a little tipsy without anyone making fun of you.

At twenty-two, you become very aware of money and how much of it you probably don't have. You'll also realize how bad it's going to suck post-college when you have to pay back hundreds of thousands of dollars to the government. #ThanksObama

At twenty-two, you realize that the next time your age will have two of the same numbers is when you turn 33. Panic ensues.

At twenty-two, you start to understand how short life really is. It is both scary and grounding. We never really know when it'll be our last day.

At twenty-two, you'll realize that it is always easier to love than it is to hate.

At twenty-two, you tell yourself to find a real doctor and start getting back into the routine of yearly physical exams. You decide to put this off until you're twenty-three.

At twenty-two, you start to get serious about politics and worldly events. You watch all of the debates and realize how interested you are in contemporary issues. The debate schedule makes it's way into your weekly planner. The day of the debate you're a little too excited to watch. You make popcorn. While you're eating the popcorn, you ponder if this is what you have to look forward to in your thirties, forties, and beyond. You imagine yourself watching the debates at fifty. Panic ensues.

At twenty-two, you can eat whatever you want and nothing happens. People around you tell you this won't last. You choose not to believe this and grab another slice of pizza.

At twenty-two, while binge watching 'Friends' you begin to emotionally connect with the words to the theme song and to the trials and tribulations of the cast. #RossAndRachelForever

At twenty-two, you'll realize that you are, in fact, happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.

At twenty-two, you'll realize that you can't do everything but you are still good enough.

Getting ready to wish for something I'm sure...

Twenty-two, thanks for being the best oddball year of my life. Here's to twenty-three...!

Hopping off the Fast Track

With only one week left of winter break, I am preparing to start my last semester of college. My last semester of college. I still cannot believe I graduate in four months and five days. Time flies when you're having fun...or when you're busy.

I've always prided myself in going above and beyond each semester and still managing to come out on top. Sophomore year I held two jobs, Junior year I had three, and last semester, I had two jobs and an internship that required another twenty hours of my time per week. I'm happy to report that I managed to balance all of that and maintain straight A's once again. However, last semester was also a huge wake up call.

Last semester, the average day went a little something like this: wake up at 4:00 AM to get ready for work at Dunkin Donuts. 4:55 AM, clock in at work. 10:00 AM, clock out, grab a croissant and/or muffin and/or bagel and drive home to my apartment to change. 10:28 AM, drive to school while eating the croissant/muffin/bagel. Class from 11:00-12:30 PM. 12:30 PM, drive home from school, change, leave for my internship. Internship from 2:00-6:00 PM. Arrive home at 6:30 PM, eat dinner, attempt to catch up on homework/readings, shower, and try to get to bed by 9:00 PM. Repeat through Friday. I was exhausted. Physically and mentally exhausted. 

The weeks themselves blended together. I would wake up on Monday morning and before I knew what was happening, it was Friday afternoon and I had made it through another week. Saturday I was always too exhausted to do anything so I spent much of the time sleeping and watching Netflix. Sunday mornings I tried to be productive by cleaning the apartment, doing laundry, starting the week's worth of homework I had, etc. Sunday nights were probably the worst. I would get into bed and become overwhelmed with a huge sense of dread for the week to come. Sometimes I would even cry. "I can't do this anymore!" I would say in between sobs to Jesse. 

At the end of November, my body began to turn against me. I stopped getting my period and developed a severe ear infection that I actually had no idea I had until a few days ago. It was at this time that I knew something had to change. It was equal parts scary and sad to realize that my daily routine of getting up at 4:00 AM, running around all day until 6:30 PM and getting an average of 5-6 hours of sleep per night was doing such harm to my body. You can will yourself to go on as much as you want but at some point, you're body will give up.

I've since left my job at Dunkin Donuts which was very bittersweet but ultimately, for the best. This semester, I'm vowing to enjoy my last few months at UNH. I want to be able to get up at a normal hour and not always feel exhausted. I want to dedicate more time to the things that matter like my relationship with Jesse, my friends and family, planning events for my internship, and schoolwork. 

Hoping off the fast track is not something I like doing. I have always prided myself in being able to handle just about anything but after last semester, I'm taking a step back for myself. Staying in a routine that makes you miserable, tired, irritable, etc. isn't fair to you. I was trying to prove something to myself but at the end of the day, none of that mattered. I'm learning that success isn't measured by how much you can do, the crazy schedule you've set up for yourself, or how busy you are. Success is being happy and healthy. At the end of the day, I want to have time for the things that matter the most to me. 

So about this blogging thing...

So...senior year. Finally, it's midsemester and while I am super pumped about this, I'm also a little disappointed because it feels like it should be time to take finals. I seriously underestimated the pressure I would be dealing with this year and it has started to take a toll on me. To sum it up, I wake up every morning at 4am to get ready for work and I'm never home before 6pm (except Fridays - TGIF has become my life motto). Those 14 hours consist of running (okay, driving) back and forth between various jobs, classes, and my internship. To put it in perspective, I drive about 110 miles on my busiet days. TGTGPAPL (Thank God the gas prices are pretty low).

Do you know how difficult it is to get up every morning knowing you won't be finished with the day for 14 hours? It sucks and I hate it. Most of the days, I try not to focus on this. I just try to take one task at a time and move throughout the day while consuming loads of coffee and eating meals in the car. Recently, I've had to ween myself off coffee because I was becoming very aware of my constant racing heartbeat which can't be good. Let me tell you, going from drinking 3+ cups of coffee a day to only 1 has been a challenge in itself. This past week I was having difficulty staying awake once the clock struck noon.

I was doing pretty bad in the sleep department, too, until recently. 5 hours (or less) of sleep a night wasn't terrible but by the time I got home at 6pm and started to do homework I would literally fall asleep. This week, I was in bed by 9:30pm each night and OMG I actually remembered some of my dreams!

I am, however, trying to enjoy what's left of my undergraduate career at UNH because even though I'm dying for this semester to be done, this is it. I've been so busy that I haven't really had the chance to stop and think about the fact that graduation is 7 months away.

Time flies when you have none of it.

First Week Reflection!

The first week of senior year a.k.a. the last first week of school I'll ever have (*sniff*) is officially over and boy, am I tired! I'm trying not to think about the fact that this was my "easy" week because everyone knows the first week of college is "sylly week" where classes last as long as it takes to get through the syllabus. Only when you're a senior, "sylly week" is more of a stress week.

I only have 3 classes this semester. You're probably thinking, "that doesn't sound so bad" and you're right, it doesn't. Buuut you have to factor in working 30 hours a week so I can pay for life and 20 additional unpaid (*sniff*) hours a week at my internship. My internship hasn't officially started yet and while I am looking forward to it, part of me is dreading getting up at 4am to work followed by class which is followed by my internship until 6:30. Add a half hour drive to that means getting to my apartment at 7pm, eating/showering/studying/sleeping before repeating that process again the next day.

But this is it. My last year. It really hasn't sunk in yet although it made my heart legitimately ache when I saw freshman with their lanyards around their necks, chatting with each other on their way to lunch/class/the library. Part of me longs for those carefree, wild(cat hehehe) days. The other part of me is over it because let's be real - smuggling Mike's Hard Lemonade up your sweatshirt sleeve to transport it throughout the dorm isn't cool (although the goosebumps on your arms would say otherwise).

I already have more homework than I did my entire freshman year. To be fair, I would have had more homework as a freshman but for some reason didn't really understand that textbooks were meant for reading. Read chapter 3 for homework? COOL! NO HOMEWORK TONIGHT! #smh

I'm going to try and enjoy this last year in between all of the paper writing, studying, planning, and stressing I'll likely be doing. The thought of graduating already gives me the chills and when Angels and Airwaves 'The Adventure' comes on, I get a little teary-eyed.

UNH, there were times where I loved you and times I hated you but you kept me coming back for more (and spending more #DebtTillIDie). I hope you're ready for this last year.

Goodbye Summer, Hello Senior Year!

Summer is just about over and it's finally hitting me that I'm about to return to UNH for my senior year. It seems like I was just moving into my freshman year dorm feeling like I had all the time in the world. A word of advice: enjoy your time at college...it goes by way too quickly.

I've had an amazing summer. Most of my days were spent at good ol' Dunkin Donuts making coffee after coffee after coffee. I've grown to love working at Dunks aside from the whole alarm-going-off-at-3:15am-thing. My co-workers and I have bonded over the many sunrises we've witnessed together. We're all in the early alarm game together.

I had the opportunity to visit my sister and my mom in Florida. Running across the cast parking lot at Magic Kingdom into Laura's arms sobbing is something I'll never forget. I'm so proud of all that she has accomplished. It was the first time in over 6 months that my family was together in the same state and we had an amazing time together.

Senior year is going to be the busiest year of my life. I'll be balancing classes, a 20 hour/week internship, and 2 jobs to pay for well, life. As I'm writing this, I am equal parts excited, stressed, and motivated.

Post graduation, I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen or where I'll be in one year from today. Where will I live? What will I be doing? At this point, everything is up in the air which, surprisingly, isn't scaring me. I have a handful of options bouncing around my mind and I'm excited to see what happens. For the first time in my life, I'm not going to plan out every little detail. Instead, I'm going to sit back, enjoy the ride, and see where life takes me.

I've worked so hard these past few years and I know that no matter where I end up, I'll blossom. 2016 is going to be one heck of a year.

2 Years Post Surgery...A Reflection

Two years ago I woke up from the surgery that forever changed my life. (Although on social media I posted that it was three years ago only to be corrected by my sister who remembers e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g - thanks Laur!)

When I discovered my septate hymen in 2009, I let it define who I was. I kept it a secret and internalized a lot of really negative thoughts I had about my body and who I was as a woman. It is during the teenage years that we are the most insecure so needless to say, my septate hymen became one of my biggest insecurities. Luckily, it was something I could hide from everyone.

My insecurity led to the belief that I was defective as a woman and that no one would ever want to be with me. As a result, I kind of hid from guys. I admired guys from afar but made no attempts to talk to them because that would lead to feelings and potentially a relationship which over time, would reveal my secret.

By the time I moved to college, a lot of my insecurities were put on the back burner so I could enjoy the college experience. Unfortunately they were brought to the surface again when I met a guy in November. He was interested in me and I reciprocated that interest and we began a very informal relationship. Things fell apart before he found out about my septate hymen but all along, I knew it was something I wasn't going to tell him. Like, I knew it would have been a deal breaker. Isn't that sad?

By defining ourselves by our sexuality we devalue who we are as people. For so many years I defined myself by what I was physically able to do in a relationship. I knew I was more than that but because I was physically different than other girls, I let a piece of tissue define who I was.

Meeting Jesse allowed me to escape my insecurity and shatter the way I defined myself. The fact that I had a septate hymen was never an issue for him. When he found out, he actually researched it while I was in class so he could understand what it was and what needed to be done to have it removed. He was there every step of the way and I am forever grateful for his support and constant love.

It's crazy to think that it's almost been a year since my episode aired on MTV's Virgin Territory, The night it aired was one of the most magical and exciting nights of my life. The support I've received and the girls that I've been able to help through this experience have made every setback in the process worth it. It's insane how one little piece of tissue has changed my life.

Inspirational Friday/Exciting Announcement: Hey, it's okay to indulge...!!!!

Words can't even describe how excited I am right now! I just booked a trip to Europe after I graduate from college in May!!!!!!! IS THIS REAL LIFE?!?!?!?!?

During my senior year of high school, I was lucky to be one of the 50 students in the class of 2011 that got to spend spring break in Spain. It was an incredible experience and I can remember sitting on an 8 hour bus ride from Barcelona to Madrid and having this epiphany that I needed to travel the world. Ever since I returned from Spain, I've been dreaming of my next overseas adventure.

I thought it would be London for the 2012 Olympics. I had it all planned out. I was going to stay with a host family and walk around London during the hubbub of the Olympic Games. The plans never came to fruition for a multitude of reasons. I put it off assuming that someday, somehow, I'd get to it.

London has been at the top of my travel bucket list for as long as I can remember. I wish I had some impressive reason as to why I want to visit London so badly but I don't. There's just always been something about those red double-decker buses and Big Ben that I'm drawn to. London is the one place that if I never got to visit before I kicked said bucket I would regret it...even from 6 feet under.

Why do we wait so long for the things we desire? We push our dreams aside while we pursue the life we've been taught to live. We go to work, we come home, we eat dinner and go to bed. Indulging feels foreign - wrong, even. We wait for the day when we're successful, rich, and settled before pursuing our most indulgent, selfish dreams.

I began to think about the next 10 years of my life (which has become quite common now that the "real world" starts in less than a year). I realized that after I graduate I'll have loans (#CryingForever), followed by saving for a new car (Jetta Baby isn't going to last forever #DoubleCryingForever), which leads up to purchasing a house (wut). The way my life is going, I won't be in any better a position to travel than I am right now.

Today was filled with signs. If you know me well, you'll know that I look for guiding signs everywhere and in everything. This morning on my 4:30am drive to work, I saw a shooting star. While I was browsing in Barnes and Noble, it seemed as if every book was centered around London or Paris. As I was driving back from my errands, my iPod was a mind reader and played "Now or Never" and that's when I realized: it's now or never,

So, I'm going. London, Paris, and Rome (the top 3 locations on my bucket list in order - another sign) are just under 300 days away. I still can't believe it. At first it felt a little selfish because I'll be putting a lot of money towards this trip and because I'll be travelling alone but I feel like I deserve it. I mean, heck, you only graduate college once. ;)

Here's to self-indulgence and getting to live out 3 of the many Mary-Kate and Ashley movies! Tehehe :)