Cohabitation: What I've Learned After One Year

It's hard to believe that Jesse and I have lived together for an entire year now! It seems like just yesterday we were hauling furniture up the narrow staircase for what seemed like days...something my body still hasn't forgiven me for. But here we are, happily living together in our tiny little haven one year later!

Cohabitation often gets a really bad rap...especially for young couples like us. In many of my classes, we've studied cohabiting couples and the results aren't fantastic. We're talking accidental kids, messy breakups, lack of commitment (a.k.a. marriage never happens), etc. Moving in together after being together for a little over a year raised many eyebrows I'm sure. Buuuuut here I am one year later not pregnant, still with Jesse, and moving towards a future together (take THAT statistics)!

Here's a list of what I've learned after my first year of cohabiting!

1. It's expensive! Living in a dorm for 2 years didn't prepare me for the financial expenses I faced this past year. When I knew Jesse and I were going to move in together, I saved every penny I had and it still wasn't enough. Cohabiting is waaaay cheaper than living in the dorms (I'm saving $30,000 just because I'm not living in the dorms for my last 2 years of college) but paying out of pocket for groceries, toiletries, furniture, rent, and utilities does drain the bank account pretty quickly.
2. Chores and general daily tasks will consume most of your free time. When I first met Jesse we always had time to watch movies or go to a game at school. Now it seems that if we're not in class we're doing schoolwork and if we're not doing either of those things then we're preparing dinner, eating, cleaning, or sleeping. We usually use dinner time as "catch up" time because our schedules are pretty opposite.
3. We all have our quirks. Moving in with Jesse I thought I knew all of his quirks already but I was wrong. Pretty quickly I realized that Jesse has a tendency to leave dirty socks around the apartment and leave the lights on in every room. But I'm sure he doesn't enjoy my piles of rejected outfits stacked on the dresser or the way I arrange the blankets before I go to bed. We're both OCD in our own weird ways - another thing we have in common!
4. Living with your best friend/partner/soul mate is awesome. I never had great experience with roommates in college (I no longer speak or am in contact with either one) so I was excited to move in with Jesse. I love coming home from class knowing that I get to see Jesse and then spending the evening catching up while cooking and eating dinner. The cherry on the cake is getting to snuggle up next to him every night.
5. Changing your residency is actually kinda scary. I surrendered my New York State license and thereby gave up my New York residency as well ten days after moving in with Jesse. I actually ended up getting a tattoo that afternoon because I determined that I always wanted New York to be a part of my life. To this day, I don't feel 100% like a resident of New Hampshire but I've made a lot of progress.
6. Homesickness is still a thing. Last summer was the first summer that I wasn't at home in New York for. I didn't expect it to feel as weird as it did. Honestly as summer began, I constantly asked myself what I was doing living in New Hampshire. I hadn't found my niche and everything seemed so foreign. I visited home quite a bit for the first half of summer but as summer came to a close, I felt more comfortable with my new life and surroundings and I haven't looked back since.
7. Nothing will be as you expect it to be. When I was in high school I thought I had my life figured out. I thought I was going to double major in Hotel Management and Magazine Journalism and live in NYC and become an editor of a magazine for the first half of my life and move to Maine to open a bed and breakfast for the second half. I expected my first apartment would be after I graduated and right smack dab in the middle of NYC. But here I am, sitting in a tiny one bedroom apartment in New Hampshire that I share with my boyfriend. I never expected that this is the path that my life would take but I wouldn't change any part of it for the world. I love my New Hampshire life, I love my school, and I love Jesse. I may not have planned for this life but then again, how can you plan for anything in life?
8. Don't stop loving. It's easy when life gets busy and stressful (those dishes aren't going to do themselves!) to forget why you moved in in the first place. Jesse and I decided the first summer we were together that we would never spend another summer apart. At the time, neither of us knew that that would mean signing a lease together. We signed that lease a year ago because we fell in love with each other and decided that being together was so much better than being apart. Every time I'm feeling overwhelmed, I always think back to how much that first summer sucked and that always puts everything into perspective. Never stop saying 'I love you.'
9. You have to make time for each other. Jesse and I can get really focused on our own lives (classes, projects, jobs) and sometimes fall a little out of touch with what's going on with the other person. Sure, we always catch up and share funny anecdotes about our days but we don't always get into those deep, revealing conversations about how each of us are feeling. Luckily, Jesse and I pretty much know if something's up with the other person and before bed is when we'll really talk it out.
10. Bodily functions are no longer embarrassing. We all know that at the beginning of a relationship you pretend that you don't ever poop. Well, once you move in with someone, you can't really hide any of nature's callings. If you have to poop, you poop. If you have to fart, you fart. However, you will never get away with secretly farting under the covers. You might think that you're getting away with it because it doesn't smell but once someone shifts the covers, consider your cover blown.
11. Nakedness isn't that big of a deal anymore. Being naked when you cohabit doesn't just mean time for sexy time. Last minute outfit changes 30 seconds before you have to catch the bus go from "Ooh la la" to "Hurry up we're going to be late!"
12. IT'S SO MUCH FUN! The best part of living with the person you love is the fact that everything that once seemed so mundane is now fun! Cooking dinner means cooking together! Cleaning up becomes a team effort badly choreographed to music! Plus, you can have sex wherever and whenever you want! Talk about a win-win-win situation!

Don't You Just Love Love?!

Happy Valentine's Day to all of the couples and singles out there! I've always liked Valentine's Day and I'm suspicious of anyone who doesn't. Valentine's Day is a day for celebrating love and in the words of my favorite mermaid, "don't you just love love?!"

The only thing I dislike about Valentine's Day is how marketed it has become. It seems like the day after Christmas aisles in stores are filled with boxes of chocolate that could double as a coffin for your sugar-induced death and teddy bears so large you need a tractor trailer to transport it to the (un)lucky recipient. Why can't Valentine's Day exist without unnecessary gifts?

I like to think of myself as a realist but deep down I'm a total hopeless romantic. I love watching proposal and wedding videos on YouTube for hours (although there is usually a correlation between Aunt Flo's visit and the amount of tear-inducing videos watched), receiving love notes, and Pinteresting thousands of wedding dresses even though I can only choose one. What can I say? I love a good love story. On a side note, I found the cuh-yoo-test wedding video on all of YouTube and if you can make it through the entire thing without shedding one tear, congrats, you don't have a heart.

Here's the thing: you celebrate Valentine's Day and not go over the top! Maybe it's because Christmas, Jesse's birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, and Valentine's Day fall within a month and two weeks of each other but we don't really celebrate Valentine's Day! I love making cute cards to give to family and friends but I don't think Valentine's Day is the only day you should acknowledge your love for those people.

I love my family, friends, and Jesse 365 days of the year. It's lovely to have a day to celebrate that love but at the end of the day, I always tell those closest to me how much I love them. Jesse and I, for example, never go to sleep without saying 'I love you' (part of that is this superstition that I have of either one of us dying in our sleep and therefore never getting to say 'I love you' for the last time).

Today, whether you're single or in a relationship, looking for a &$#! buddy or doing the long distance thing, tell someone you love them! Don't go spend all of your money on roses (so cliché), jewelry, chocolates, or whatever other material objects that represent love out there! The best gift of all - love - is free!

Happy 2 Years!

Yesterday Jesse and I celebrated 2 years of being together. I know it's cliché, but I honestly cannot remember what it was like to not have him in my life. The past 2 years have been filled with adventures that I never in a million years would've expected but I can honestly say that 2 years later, I wouldn't change a thing.

Jesse and I met 2 years ago right before my 20th birthday. My roommate had met Jesse and one of Jesse's friends the night before and invited me to hang out with them in Jesse's dorm room. She told me they were total rednecks who loved country music and despite hating both of those things, I decided to go upstairs because it was Thursday night and I didn't have anything else to do.

The first thing I remember was seeing Jesse's coat and thinking to myself, "oh my god, I'm meeting the guy with the coat" because I remembered seeing him around the dorm from time to time. We sat on his futon and talked for a few hours and the conversation just flowed. Usually I get really tongue-tied around boys but with Jesse, that awkwardness went away. I remember we had a lot in common and I went back to my own room after midnight not thinking too much about what just happened.

Two days later I turned 20! My friends threw me a surprise party and had even invited Jesse! I remember making eye contact with him throughout the party and he was just looking at me differently. I don't think I'll ever be able to put into words the way he was looking at me. It was the most kind and gentle look I've ever seen and 2 years later, I can still see it.

My friends dragged me off campus to what would be my first official "college party." It was loud and there was lots of beer, kissing, and yes, sex on the toilet. I was really uncomfortable with the whole situation and my roommate texted me to tell me that Jesse kept asking when I was coming back. It was, in that moment, it all clicked. I realized that all I wanted to do was see Jesse so I got my coat and my drunk friends (never walk alone at night on a college campus ladies) and made the long trek by foot - in 6 inch Jeffrey Campbells nonetheless - to Jesse's room where he was waiting for me.

The next two weeks consisted of cute text messages, flirting, and joint dining hall dinners. Our first official date was with my roommate and Jesse's friend. We went to picturesque Portsmouth to eat. After dinner, we walked around town and Jesse put his arm around me. That night we went back to his room to continue the date and we talked past midnight. We were holding hands on his futon and we kissed and the rest is history!

That summer we were four hours apart. Jesse would visit as often as he could and those visits meant the world to me. I spent the summer going to appointment after appointment with the goal of finally having surgery to remove my septate hymen. By the end of the summer, we made a promise that next summer we would be together someway, somehow.

Fall 2013 was the hardest semester of my life. I felt pressured by my (now ex) best friend to go out and make new friends which didn't allow for me seeing Jesse a lot. I constantly felt caught in the middle of two things I should never have had to choose between. When given the ultimatum from her, I chose Jesse. Our friendship deteriorated fast after that.

Last year at this time, Jesse and I were searching for apartments so that we could live together. I worked two jobs and saved every penny I earned for furniture, rent, and groceries. We looked at one apartment, a tiny one bedroom located just up the street from Jesse's old apartment and we signed the paperwork that night! We moved in together at the beginning of April and started life together as a cohabiting couple.

Cohabiting meant sacrifices. Instead of going home and seeing my family for the summer, I stayed here and worked. Money was always tight. When we weren't working (or commuting in Jesse's case), we were doing housework - organizing, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. Last summer was a lot of hard work but nothing beats waking up to the person you love every morning. :)

Well, here we are! These past 2 years have been quite a journey but I wouldn't change a single thing about our relationship. Last night as we sat across from each other at the restaurant, I couldn't help but take a moment to appreciate the past 2 years. Here is the boy who has done so much for me between driving four hours to visit me that first summer, holding me as I cried about surgery, co-starred with me on MTV, listened to my endless rants about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, and helped me make life decisions. All the while he was eating silently from the other side of the table, unaware that I was admiring him. I'm so lucky to have met someone as caring, loving, funny, and supportive as Jesse. I am forever grateful that I decided to walk upstairs that night 2 years ago.

#RelationshipGoals

#RelationshipGoals have taken the Internet by storm. Search the hashtag on Twitter and you will see hundreds of photos of celebrity couples embracing, a man holding a woman's purse, a beautiful bouquet of flowers left on a girl's doorstep as a surprise, and so on. The hashtag is basically a place for people with some sort of build up of tension to admire the relationships of other people. While searching this hashtag can warm the heart ('tis the season) it can also get old reeeeeeeeeal fast.

I'm all about relationships - always have been and always will be. When I moved to college, there was a line drawn: either you were anti-relationship or pro-relationship. Being pro-relationship, I tried meeting guys, flirting awkwardly, and texting coyly during the fall semester of my freshman year (a semester that I'd like to CRTL + Z if ya know what I mean). I assumed everyone was trying to find love and found out that not everyone has the same intentions. In fact, I met some very anti-relationship people and let me tell you, if you meet anyone who is very adamant in their disbelief of love you should run as fast as you can from that person.

ANYWAYS. The point of this blog isn't to discuss my past. I want to stress the importance of personal relationship goals. Don't be jealous of that girl you played basketball with (or was it field hockey...?) who just posted a photo of her 3 trillion roses from #bae because apparantly, that's how their relationship goes! Jealousy is evil and the Internet makes it pretty easy to be consumed with it. I want everyone to keep in mind that what works for one couple won't necessarily work for another.

So what do I mean by personal relationship goals? Well for starters, stop comparing yourself to the photos, videos, and Tweets you see online! Think about all of the things that you love about your girlfriend/boyfriend. Maybe it's the way they make just enough coffee so that you can have a cup or maybe it's the way they make you laugh. Love can't be measured in material objects. Small actions say way more about your relationship than any amount of VS panties, jewelry, or flowers ever will.

The next time your boyfriend texts you "Good Luck :-)" before an exam, gives you the last scoop of ice cream, or puts on your favorite song in the car, just soak in the moment and realize that those are the things that true love is made of. Often, the true #RelationshipGoals aren't tangible and cannot be photographed.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M READY?!?!?

So you wanna lose your virginity. Maybe you've finally found the girl or guy of your dreams and you're ready to take it to the next level. Before getting down and dirty, I advise each and every one of you to think it through because you only get one first time and no one wants to regret it!

How to know if you are ready to have sex.

1. First things first. Ladies, if you haven't already, check your lady parts to make sure that you don't have an irregular hymen. Don't know what to look for? Read all about the different types of hymens here.
2. Talk about it! If you can't have a serious conversation with your significant other about having sex, you're probably not ready. Talking about having sex is a mature thing to do and if you can't, well, you probably aren't very mature and therefore shouldn't be doing it.
3. You've gotten tested. I'm totally guilty of not doing this but being a virgin, I knew I was safe and my boyfriend was safe because he had only ever had sex with two other virgins. If you or your partner has a sketchy history, just get tested. Better safe than ridden with chlamydia (or gonorrhea, syphilis, or any other nastiness)!
4. YOU want to. I cannot stress this one enough. You should never (I mean never, ever, ever, ever, EVER) have sex with someone because you feel like you have to. Both participants have to mutually want to do it. Maybe your boyfriend would like to have sex one month into the relationship but you'd rather wait until it's been 6 months. That's totally ok! However, in the mean time if you're feeling pressured by your boyfriend or he is threatening to not wait, you should probably get rid of him. A guy who wants to be with you will wait for you until YOU are ready.
5. You've played a little baseball. Relationships usually build. I don't think many go from just meeting to having sex in one night. If you've made it to first base (french-kissing), second base (touching sexy parts), or third base (oral sex), you are on your way to being ready to make it to home plate! Please note that you can skip bases. If you've never wanted to put your mouth near a penis, feel free to skip third! What I'm trying to say here, is that if you've fooled around for a while with someone, you're probably going to want to have sex with them.
6. You've got a plan. If you're thinking about what method of birth control you want to use (and have discussed this with your partner) then you are making progress towards being ready! Particular method doesn't matter (although I'd advise against the 'Natural Family Planning' or 'Pull Out' method here). What matters, is that you have one. What do I mean by "have one?" Make sure it's bought/prescribed/inserted or whatever needs to be done to ensure that you won't have a +1 in 9 months.
7. If the New York Times' heading the morning after was "[Insert Your Name] and [Insert Partner's Name] Made Love," you'd be ok with that. Not that they would, but if you'd be ok with everyone finding out that you and your partner just had sex, you're probably ready to have sex. You should be having sex with someone you're proud to be having sex with.
8. You know his name. This is for all of my crazy partiers. If you're into one night stands, great! Your sex life should be what you want it to be. I'm only suggesting this because for even the craziest of partiers, you're going to probably want to remember his name for practical (and self dignity) reasons.
9. You love your body. If you're an insecure person, you need to work on letting all of the little insecurities go! Remember, the person you have sex with is going to see you naked. You won't be able to hide that weird acne on your butt, the fact that you forgot to shave your armpits, or that extra slice of pizza you just ate. But don't worry! That boy who you are about to have sex with is not interested in your weird insecurities. If you are in a loving relationship, this boy loves you for you! You are beautiful to him and you turn him on! Plus, boys aren't going to notice the things that seem really obvious to you. Just as an example, I have a decent sized mole on my butt and I mentioned it to Jesse the other day who, until I showed him, had no idea that it existed! 
10. You feel comfortable with your partner. Like I already mentioned, if you're going to have sex with someone, they are going to know you in a very intimate way. Sex for the first time is not going to be like the movies. You are most likely going to have to tell your partner what does/doesn't feel good, what to do more of/less of, how fast/slow to go, etc. If you don't think you would be comfortable expressing your needs to your partner, you probably aren't ready.

If you feel confident with the 10 things I've just listed, you might just be ready to have sex! The truth is, only you know when you're ready to have sex. There probably won't be a 'eureka!' moment. But while developing a relationship with someone, feelings will intensify and the time will present itself. Don't overthink it. Let things work out the way they're meant to work out and play safe!

10 Things I Didn't Know About Love

Jesse and I celebrated our 1 1/2 year anniversary yesterday by, um, doing the dishes together and getting to bed early. We usually try to go out on the 7th of every month which means yes, we are so that couple that celebrates their anniversary every month. Buuut before your eyes roll too far back into your head, we don't, however, post a sappy Facebook post each month that reads something like this:

#GETAROOM

Nor are our celebrations very involved. Heck, sometimes our 'Celebration of the 7th' is actually the 5th, 8th, or 10th! Plus, I think it's important to celebrate the little things - not to mention that going out to eat is great for catching up after a stressful work week, or to walk down memory lane and reminisce about anniversaries past. The importance of celebrating moments in a relationship (along with 10 other things listed below) are things I didn't know about love...until now, of course.

Falling unexpectedly. We've all heard a story about some girl who met some guy and within two minutes of conversing, they both realized that the other person was The One and a month later, they were married. Sorry not sorry, but I'm calling BS. I don't believe in love at first sight (nor love after first date, first text, or first month). Falling in love doesn't happen overnight and chances are, when one partner says "I love you" for the first time, the other partner is on a different page. When Jesse first told me he loved me, I told him that I was still falling. I expected one day to feel different. I don't know what I was expecting exactly but I guess I thought I would have a big epiphany in which I suddenly felt a rush and was compelled to run to him and tell him how I now felt. But that didn't happen and it still hasn't. I think falling in love with someone happens slowly. I can't pinpoint the day I fell in love with Jesse but I did, over the summer of 2013.

Distance does, in fact, make the heart grow fonder. If you've ever been in a long distance relationship, I feel for you. I spent the entire summer of 2013 in a long distance relationship with Jesse. When you can't see someone you love every day, you make room for them in a special place in your heart. This way, you can carry them with you, even if you are hours apart. I believe that in holding someone within you truly makes you value that person so much more. Distance is hard. My summer was spent counting down the days, hours, and minutes until Jesse visited, followed by a short 3 day visit which concluded with tears, the heartbreakingly beautiful sound of his Mustang starting up and driving away which left me sobbing uncontrollably on my front porch until I could compose myself to go inside to begin another countdown. To this day, I can't hear a Mustang start without getting a little choked up.

Time is precious. I will forever be grateful for being in a long distance relationship last summer because it taught me just how valuable time is. When you're apart for 3 weeks at a time and reunite for 3 days, you make the most of every single second. (Side note: nothing beats a reunited make-out session. N-o-t-h-i-n-g.) After moving back to school, I thought that we'd have lots more time together and everything would be just as peachy as our summer visits. [Insert incorrect buzzer tone here] Wrong. Between both of our full course loads and our jobs, we struggled to have quality time together. Our solution? Date nights. Once a week. Somewhere new. Non-negotiable. Fall semester they were Wednesdays, Spring semester they were Thursdays. Keeping one day and night a week to take your mind off responsibility is so important because it allows you to talk and laugh about the fun things in life. We also set aside time before bed to cuddle, laugh, talk, cry, etc. I try to never take one second for granted because last summer, they were seconds I craved.

Give and take (or give and give, or take and take). Love is a balancing act and it's all about support. Being in love means sacrificing certain wants in order to meet your partner in the middle. It truly is an exchange - give a little, take a little. If Jesse comes home from work really stressed, I'll sit an chat with him, give him a back rub, and cook dinner for him (give/give). Last summer when I was going through so much with surgery, he listened to me, let me cry, and encouraged me to keep moving forward (take/take). Overall, our relationship is equal give and take on both our behalves which is how I think any relationship should be.

There will be tears. I wouldn't consider myself to be an emotional person. I like to channel my inner Elsa and "conceal, don't feel." However, since I've been with Jesse, I've become more emotional. This new emotional side has spread, too, not solely effecting my love life. I cry when I leave my family after a visit, while watching any combination of wedding/proposal/military reunion/birth videos on YouTube (who doesn't?!), and over a plethora of minor day to day occurrences though I chalk those up to PMS. I think when you fall in love you realize something about yourself. You don't know how you love until you fall in love. I am so thankful to have Jesse in my life and stopping to think about everything that he's done for me and everything that we've been through together brings me to tears. Love is a really special thing.
  

Live for the moments. You aren't Allie from The Notebook. No guy is going to write you 365 letters and wait for you for that long. Likewise, don't expect every second of the relationship to be all about you. Yes, traditionally guys have paid for every meal, necklace, pair of sexy underwear, and flower but times are a little different now. Social media also doesn't help the fact that when one lucky lady receives a bouquet of roses as big as she is every girl out there becomes overwhelmed with jealousy and then yells at her boyfriend for not being romantic. The way I see it, store bought gifts are invaluable. What is valuable are little moments with the person you love when you see them differently. Sometimes Jesse and I are just talking and he'll laugh or smile and I suddenly get a rush of holy-moly-this-is-the-boy-I-want-to-be-with-for-the-rest-of-my-life. I live for moments like that and often wish I could capture it because it is so beautiful.

Talk it out. You've probably heard over and over again how communication is so important in relationships blah, blah, blah...Well I'm not going to preach about communication. Communication is important but so is honesty and the ability of open up 100% to the person you love. Early on in our relationship, Jesse and I put our talking skills to the test as we faced the hymenectomy together. We would often butt heads because I would be so close to giving up and he would push me along telling me to get it done. Then I would get mad thinking all he wanted was sex and he would get annoyed because he was just trying to help. Not only did we pass the surgery test but we continue to pass communication tests by being honest and telling each other every last detail about our lives. If you truly love someone, you shouldn't have any secrets or communication barriers. By being so open and honest, our relationship is stronger and we have a sturdy, trusting foundation.

The Sex Factor.  When you are in love with someone, you want to sleep with them. End of story. Reproducing is an actual biological need. (Thankfully now we have condoms and birth control so that need can be satisfied without having 2374 kids.) What I love most about having sex in a relationship is how in that moment, nothing else exists. It's just you and your partner, as close as you can ever be. Since I started having sex, it has undoubtedly brought me closer to Jesse and has enhanced our relationship like you wouldn't believe!

Arguments are necessary. Whoever said conflict in relationships is a bad thing was wrong. Every relationship needs a little conflict or else the overwhelming perfectness would likely drive you and your partner crazy! The ability to talk out your problems and resolve them is a key aspect of relationships because let's face it - life is complicated and filled with lots of ups and downs. When Jesse and I argue, we argue clean - no derogatory comments or "hits below the belt." We address the problem, solve it and move on. We also never go to bed mad. We always kiss and say "I love you" before we fall asleep.

Fall in love with the little things. I'm a simple girl. I hate the idea of being showered with expensive gifts (I also don't believe materialistic objects should increase one's affection for another person but whatever...) and being a "princess." For me, I fall in love with the simplest of actions. I was stressed out one day and without saying a word, Jesse started playing our song. I wandered out to the living room and he hugged me. I started crying (hello, new emotional side) and we just started slow dancing. It's things like that that mean the most to me because of the level of thoughtfulness. Jesse knew I was stressed and calmed me down without saying a single word and making me fall more in love with him than he knows.

Virgin Territory Trailer!!!

I mentioned in my last post that I was a part of the new MTV show 'Virgin Territory' and I just found out that the trailer has been released! I've posted it below if you care to see it! I appear between 0:59-1:03.

Let me know what you think and make sure to watch on July 16th at 11/10c!

Liberation

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Meet the Virgin

Emily. 20. Virgin.

Hello Internet! First and foremost, I'd like to thank you for clicking on my blog for whatever reason! I'd just like to take a moment to introduce myself. I'm Emily and as you can see above, I'm 20 years old. I'll be a college sophomore year this fall. I'm studying Family Studies and hope to work with preteens/teens someday. As the title of this blog tells you, I am a virgin. I was single all throughout middle and high school but I now have a wonderful boyfriend of 4 months that I met in college. I suppose you're wondering why I'm still a virgin? Well to put it simply, I physically cannot have sex. I was born with an abnormal hymen that requires surgery. I happen to be terrified of doctors, needles, etc. I've decided to document this entire journey in a blog because I want others to learn and be able to be comforted (hopefully) by my adventure.