'Virginity Testing' in Indonesia

Earlier this week, I was shocked to read about Indonesian women who had applied to be police officers going through what is called, 'virginity testing.' Upon further research, I learned that this practice doesn't occur in Indonesian alone, but other parts of the world as well. The most common method of testing is called the "two finger test" in which two fingers are inserted into a woman's vagina basically to see how tight it is (in this case, the tighter her vagina, the greater likelihood she is a virgin). The individual performing the test will also check for the infamous hymen.

Not only is this test unnecessary, it is also very degrading and painful for these women. What I don't understand is the fact that the hymen itself isn't necessarily a telltale sign of virginity. For girls born with the so-called "normal hymen," they can stretch/tear/break their hymen from partaking in a number of random activities and guess what? They're still virgins! What about for the girls like me who were born with an extra band of tissue? I was a virgin with my septate hymen and a virgin after my hymen was surgically removed. If the absence of a hymen indicates the loss of virginity then I "lost" my virginity to my doctor while I was knocked out.

Virginity testing serves no purpose other than to humiliate and degrade the women who are subjected to it. In some cultures, virginity testing is used to determine whether or not a female is worth marrying. Believe it or not, males in other cultures may reject a woman if she isn't a virgin. It's sad to think some women will be rejected because they didn't pass the virginity test. I cannot believe we live in a world where such tests are even allowed.

Furthermore, being a police officer and being a virgin are two totally different and unrelated things. If a woman in Indonesia wants to be a cop why does she also have to be a virgin? I suspect virginity testing exists in order to keep women out of the police force as it usually is a "male job." If that's true then this is a bigger problem of gender inequality.

I applaud the women who despite the humiliating test are able to join the police force in Indonesia. However, these women should not have to subject themselves to such a test in the first place. I think more people need to realize the need for equality - not only in America but the rest of the world as well. We also need to respect the fact that a woman's virginity is private to her and shouldn't be exploited for the purpose of a job application.

For more information, visit CNN or the Human Rights Watch.

The 8 Year Old Me (Inspirational Friday)

I was a shy child. I sat in my desk at school, quietly taking notes and listening intently to my teacher. I was a good student with a few close friends. Middle school is where it all changed for me. I was still shy but I no longer had those close friends (they were at the middle school across town). I had glasses, braces, and acne galore. After school, I would return home and play American Girl dolls with my sister. We were obsessed with the Bratz TV show and pretended our dolls were Cloe, Yasmin, Sasha, and Jade. My sister and I always looked up to the Bratz because beyond their long hair, perfect makeup, and amazing wardrobe, they were 4 unstoppable best friends who instilled a sense of girl power into the viewers and taught girls everywhere that anything is possible. But in middle school, my dreams felt far from possible.

There's a quote that reads: if your 8 year old self met you, would they be proud? This happened to pop into my head during my shower today and got me thinking. If 8 year old me met the current me, I think she'd be awestruck. I don't think she would've expected me to be such a confident and successful woman. She would love that I live near Old Orchard Beach (somewhere 8 year old me always wanted), found an amazing boyfriend, and still remain a child at heart. Above all, she would admire that I grew up to be just like the Bratz - fearless, ambitious, kind-hearted, and creative.

We grow up each and every year. Sure we grow physically from birth to ~18 years but we are always growing. Since moving to college I've had to stand up for myself more, learn to argue effectively (#roommatessuck), manage my time, cook actual meals, etc. My surgery was a year ago and going from trying to have sex to not being able to have sex to crying about not being able to have sex to going to therapy because that was the only option left to finally having sex was a huuuge deal and that was only 4 months! My point here is that we are constantly growing from week to week, month to month, year to year.

I think it's so important to take some time and think about how much you've grown as a person. Back to the quote I used at the beginning, I almost think it'd be cooler to travel back in time and visit your 8 year old self. Just to take a moment to talk to her and say, "Hey, it's gonna be alright. This is what you're life will be like in 'x number of years.'" Maybe then growing up wouldn't be so scary.

This season on Virgin Territory....

Make sure to tune in every Wednesday at 11/10c to see Virgin Territory on MTV!

#TBT My Therapy Session!

After my surgery, I was elated. The storm clouds had cleared and I could finally breathe again. There was nothing physical preventing me from having sex or using tampons. Once my 4 week healing period was up, I was so excited to get it on with my boyfriend. But just as every other part of this adventure, I was met with another challenge.

                I was absolutely sure that I would lose my virginity on September 16.That day has no significance in either of our lives but that day marked the end of the long 4 week healing period. I (thought) I was ready, he was ready, what was the problem? The problem happened to be my brain. See, the doctor physically cut my hymen off (sorry for the bluntness) but she didn’t cut out the part of my brain that was attached to my hymen’s presence. Basically, I still felt as though my hymen was present even though it was probably sitting in the hospital waste pile.

                Many ‘first time’ attempts later, I was convinced that I was cursed. Every time Jesse was about to enter me, I would freak out similar to how I reacted prior to the surgery when the doctor would get anywhere near my vagina. I would then get frustrated and cry because I wanted to have sex so badly but couldn’t because I still felt as though my hymen was there. Jesse and I decided that the only person who could help was a therapist.

                Not gonna lie, I was so skeptical of going to see a therapist. I had no idea what a therapist would say to correct me of the ‘mental/emotional block’ I was dealing with. I had to toss my skepticism aside though because therapy was my last hope.

                My therapist, Dr. Karen Ruskin, was nothing like I pictured a therapist to be like. She was pretty and friendly (not to mention a native New Yorker as well)! The therapy session was interactive which I guess I didn’t expect seeing as I was stuck in the cliché where an old therapist makes you lie down, nods, says things like “mhmm” and “how do you feel about that?” One of the first things she did was ask me to describe my vagina. It caught me off guard but I described it as being gross, scary, weird, ugly, etc. She suggested I try changing way I think about my vagina leading me to change the words I use to describe it. I left my first visit with more positive words – beautiful, open, ready to bloom (I really loved the flower references).

Dr. Ruskin suggested I look at paintings by Georgia O'Keeffe and now I can see why...

                For homework I had to get personal. I got a hand mirror and was instructed to look and touch my lady parts. I’m not gonna lie, I thought this was ridiculous because I had looked at it a million times before the surgery cursing it each time. This time, however, I witnessed my actual vagina opening up. It finally looked normal (side note: when I say normal I mean without the septate hymen because let’s be real, all vaginas look a little cray cray in their own way) and for a moment I just looked at it with a sense of appreciation. I didn’t think it was beautiful but it after all of the appointments and surgery I put it through, I concluded that it was definitely on its way.

                Less than a month after therapy, Jesse and I finally made love for the first time. Without the lovely Dr. Karen Ruskin, I don’t know if I would have been able to say that. She helped what I thought was an unsolvable problem and for that, I am forever grateful.

Meet the Virgin UPDATE

For my first ever post (juuust about a year ago today), I posted a photo of myself in which I blocked out the eyes because truth be told, I didn't want anyone to really know who the author was. I was scared and ashamed of my septate hymen and my sexuality. Well guess what?! A year has passed and I have come a long way. I'm totally comfortable expressing who I am and putting a face to this blog now. So without further adieu, let me (properly) introduce myself. I'm Emily and I'm 21 years old. I was born in New York state but this year, I moved to New Hampshire permanently to be with my boyfriend, Jesse. I got a tattoo of New York state on the day I gave up my NY license for a NH one. I'm majoring in Family Studies at the University of New Hampshire (Go 'Cats!) and minoring in Adolescent and Youth Development. I'm hoping to work with preteen and teen girls in the future educating and empowering them. I love going to the beach, baking desserts (when the oven behaves), singing along to the radio, going on random adventures with Jesse, hiking, camping, painting, and organizing (hello, OCD). As you can tell from the photo, I have red hair and green eyes (that are practically blind but whatever). I love mascara, cats, the color pink, cupcakes, raspberries, summer dresses, my iPod touch, and nail polish. I constantly wear 2 rings which are very symbolic to me. Oh yeah, and I really like to write. :)

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Virgin Territory Trailer!!!

I mentioned in my last post that I was a part of the new MTV show 'Virgin Territory' and I just found out that the trailer has been released! I've posted it below if you care to see it! I appear between 0:59-1:03.

Let me know what you think and make sure to watch on July 16th at 11/10c!

Liberation

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Inspirational Friday

There are moments of uncertainty in our lives everyday. Being a control freak, I dread these moments because it leaves me incapable of predicting what will happen next. Recently, however, I've learned to get acquainted with (embrace is a strong word) these moments because as I grow up they have been, and will continue to be, ever-present in my life.

I believe that talking about our fears makes them less scary. I consider myself to be an introvert (with occasional extrovert tendencies) which means that I'm a serial thinker. I tend to take existing problems and create bigger - or worse - more problems from one single issue. Luckily for me, Jesse continues to challenge me by taking my hand, pulling me out of my cozy and secure metaphorical box and forcing me to face my fears.

And talking it out does help. This probably seems a little middle school but there's something so powerful about sharing the burden with someone else. It's a win-win situation. I feel better because I've verbalized things that have only ever been thoughts and Jesse feels better because he gave me his time and a listening ear and voila! his girlfriend is back to normal.This is obviously works the other way around too, but being a girl (not to mention one who is currently PMSing), I feel the need to share my problems and create a team bond out of it.

So in spirit of all this, I'm going to share what my current fears are:

1. I just quit a job that I hadn't even started at yet. You see, something in my gut told me that I shouldn't work there and after a few days of mulling and two serious conversations with Jesse, I resigned. So I'm now jobless and praying that my interview works out next week. That brings me to my next fear...

2. Money. This one is a bit of a surprise because I am a savvy saver. I even spent spring semester in an awful night class learning about personal finance! Buuut now that I live on my own and have to buy my own groceries, pay bills, do laundry (those quarters add up), I find myself struggling. This fear was heightened after my recent job resignation because after my paycheck next week, I'm not sure when the next one will be...

3. My job interview is set for 1:00pm on the 28th and I kind of need this job. *Cue sweaty palms*

4. I was cast for an MTV show which will be airing this summer and I'm nervous to see how it is going to play out. (I'll be blogging heavily about that later on because the show, titled 'Virgin Territory' is what this blog is all about!)

Phew! I could probably go on and on but part of this fear revealing is to just focus on the main problems...not freak out about every sub-problem that could come from everything. Instead of creating a tree of sub-problems, focus on the thick branches towards the base. Tackle those, and the little problems won't even exist.

3 weeks.

It has been 3 weeks and 1 day since my surgery and I'm doing fine! I mean, it hurt when I peed for the first 2 days but since then it's been a breeze! At first, sitting in certain positions was a little uncomfortable but I mean, I never took any Advil or painkillers so I couldn't have asked for a better turnout!

On another note, the stitches have been falling out which was weird at first. I don't know how many sets there were but so far I've lost 2. My boyfriend was so sweet and looked at it a week and a half after surgery and it looked fine! It was open and I was so excited to see it looking like an actual vagina!

However, I looked at it today and it doesn't look like that at all...In fact it looks like it did before which is freaking me out. I still have a mental block because I still think of myself as being blocked. Getting over the whole mental block is going to be a struggle for sure. I had my period last week and tried using tampons and it hurt so bad so I had to stop.

I just hope that I can get over this mental block....

Second Appointment!!!!!!!

So I'm sure you're wondering why I put 23984 exclamation points in the title. Well my fine female friends, that's because today was my appointment with the real doctor and it went SO WELL!!!!!

For starters, I didn't have time to be nervous because I was too worked up over my boyfriend leaving this morning. He came to visit Tuesday evening and stayed through 5am this morning. I always get super emotional when he leaves and by the time I had settled down, it was time for my 10:15 appointment with the gynecologist.

I was nervous driving there mostly because I didn't want a repeat of last visit. Last visit, I felt like I got nowhere which is the absolute worst feeling. We sat in the waiting room for a good 10 minutes which in my opinion, is the worst part. But soon enough, I was called to the back and assigned a tiny room where I was to sit and wait for the doctor.

Let me just say, I love my doctor which is a change for me because I usually hate them. She was so friendly and the first thing she said after saying hello was how her boyfriend had asked her if she'd gained weight after a July 4th BBQ! She was hilarious and then she turned on this monitor that was mounted to the wall and told me I could go online or watch TV while I waited! The best part is that she totally listened to what I said and put me at ease.

The actual exam part was the same. She promised me she wasn't going to put anything inside but when she was poking around it still hurt like crazy. She kept reassuring me that she was just touching, not inserting but I kept squirming and tensing my legs. But instead of giving up like the nurse she simply told me to make an appointment with a radiologist to get an ultrasound and then come back for a follow up which we will decide on surgery.

For those of you who aren't aware, sometimes people with septate hymens have septate uterus' which means I miiiight not be able to have kids of my own which not gonna lie, is a little depressing but I'll have to wait and see the results. I have my ultrasound appointment on the 10th and my follow up on the 26th.

As usual, I'll keep you all posted.

First visit? CHECK.

Phew! Well, I can officially say I've survived my first visit to the gynecologist! Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I mean I'm not gonna lie and say it was a walk through the park, but it wasn't the worst thing I've ever done.

Since it was my first visit, I had to do paperwork for a good 10-15 minutes beforehand. My handwriting sucked because I was shaky and nervous. After I filled all of that out, I went into the room with the nurse who took my blood pressure, height, and weight. After that, she left and I had to wait for the doctor. Waiting is the worst part but I got to wait fully clothed, which was quite pleasant. 

Turns out the doctor wasn't there so I had this lesbian nurse/midwife examine me. Honestly, I was super pissed because I told her from the start that I couldn't insert anything (i.e. finger, tampon, penis) and she proceeded to tell me she was going to examine me with a speculum and do a pap smear. I kindly had to remind her that nothing would fit because I tried endlessly with tampons but for whatever reason, she didn't seem to believe me. It actually took her trying to insert a finger and me jumping a foot and a half back in the seat in pain for her to realize that a full exam wasn't gonna happen. If only she had listened in the first place.... 

What also pissed me off was that after many failed attempts at insertion, she asked me if I had ever been abused or raped to which I was like, "Um, no." I was nervous because she was trying to insert huge objects that I told her wouldn't fit and she thought it was because I'd been raped.

She put me on the Pill which I guess was the only real benefit to the exam. I'm only upset because instead of having a surgery scheduled, I have another appointment this time with the REAL doctor. Hopefully she'll be more helpful. I absolutely hate doing things without a purpose so this infuriates me. I just want to be fixed gosh darn it! 

I cried a little earlier because I'm frustrated. Sometimes being a woman really stinks. I just want this to be over not even to have sex or use tampons, just so I don't have to have this hanging over my head anymore. I've known about this problem for 4 years now and ever since, it's always been in the back of my mind.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll visit the gyno tomorrow.

Holy crap I am freaking out even worse than last night if that's possible. I visit the gynecologist for the first time in 12 hours. I've been in the worst mood all day and my heart has been racing. I've wanted to talk to my mom all day and tell her how nervous I am but my sister was around all day, too, so I couldn't. I've been beside myself.

I'm trying to focus on the positives but it's so hard. I just keep saying to myself "be brave, be brave" and I'm hoping I start feeling it. I know I shouldn't be this nervous because it is only a consultation but I guess I'm just scared to bare it all for a stranger. That and the fact that after I walk out of there tomorrow I will have a surgery date scheduled. *deep breath*

Being a girl sucks.

Or, let me rephrase that, being a defective girl sucks.

(P.S. I hope some of you got the Annie reference in the title)

Meet the Virgin

Emily. 20. Virgin.

Hello Internet! First and foremost, I'd like to thank you for clicking on my blog for whatever reason! I'd just like to take a moment to introduce myself. I'm Emily and as you can see above, I'm 20 years old. I'll be a college sophomore year this fall. I'm studying Family Studies and hope to work with preteens/teens someday. As the title of this blog tells you, I am a virgin. I was single all throughout middle and high school but I now have a wonderful boyfriend of 4 months that I met in college. I suppose you're wondering why I'm still a virgin? Well to put it simply, I physically cannot have sex. I was born with an abnormal hymen that requires surgery. I happen to be terrified of doctors, needles, etc. I've decided to document this entire journey in a blog because I want others to learn and be able to be comforted (hopefully) by my adventure.