3 weeks.

It has been 3 weeks and 1 day since my surgery and I'm doing fine! I mean, it hurt when I peed for the first 2 days but since then it's been a breeze! At first, sitting in certain positions was a little uncomfortable but I mean, I never took any Advil or painkillers so I couldn't have asked for a better turnout!

On another note, the stitches have been falling out which was weird at first. I don't know how many sets there were but so far I've lost 2. My boyfriend was so sweet and looked at it a week and a half after surgery and it looked fine! It was open and I was so excited to see it looking like an actual vagina!

However, I looked at it today and it doesn't look like that at all...In fact it looks like it did before which is freaking me out. I still have a mental block because I still think of myself as being blocked. Getting over the whole mental block is going to be a struggle for sure. I had my period last week and tried using tampons and it hurt so bad so I had to stop.

I just hope that I can get over this mental block....

UTIs can go DIE.

I'm not in a good mood. In fact, I really haven't been since Friday afternoon. As many of you know, Friday morning was my last appointment before surgery. The appointment went well and I was feeling really positive. My doctor will be doing the surgery and she just gave me the basics on everything to expect. All of my questions/fears were answered/calmed and I was looking forward to being done on Monday!

However, based on the title I'm sure you can tell that something went wrong...and it did. When it rains, it pours and as an award winning script writer would write, it was raining that afternoon. My doctor called in the early afternoon. It all happened so fast. She told me I had a UTI and they would have to cancel the surgery. I was stunned. So stunned that I'm surprised I remembered the info about the antibiotic she prescribed. I hung up the phone, told my mother surgery was cancelled, and started to cry.

So now here I am. Sunday night. Bitter that if I didn't have this UTI I would be resting for my surgery tomorrow. I was put on an antibiotic that I take for 3 days. I have a retest on Tuesday in which I will cross my fingers and pray that I am UTI free.

I broke down in the shower. This journey has been such a roller coaster ride. There have been times I've wanted to get off right in the middle of the ride and there have been moments in which I have felt my stomach drop and have felt pure fear. It has been hard, I'm not going to sugar coat it. But thankfully, I have the most loving, kind, and supportive team ever.

Without them, I couldn't do any of this♥

First visit? CHECK.

Phew! Well, I can officially say I've survived my first visit to the gynecologist! Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I mean I'm not gonna lie and say it was a walk through the park, but it wasn't the worst thing I've ever done.

Since it was my first visit, I had to do paperwork for a good 10-15 minutes beforehand. My handwriting sucked because I was shaky and nervous. After I filled all of that out, I went into the room with the nurse who took my blood pressure, height, and weight. After that, she left and I had to wait for the doctor. Waiting is the worst part but I got to wait fully clothed, which was quite pleasant. 

Turns out the doctor wasn't there so I had this lesbian nurse/midwife examine me. Honestly, I was super pissed because I told her from the start that I couldn't insert anything (i.e. finger, tampon, penis) and she proceeded to tell me she was going to examine me with a speculum and do a pap smear. I kindly had to remind her that nothing would fit because I tried endlessly with tampons but for whatever reason, she didn't seem to believe me. It actually took her trying to insert a finger and me jumping a foot and a half back in the seat in pain for her to realize that a full exam wasn't gonna happen. If only she had listened in the first place.... 

What also pissed me off was that after many failed attempts at insertion, she asked me if I had ever been abused or raped to which I was like, "Um, no." I was nervous because she was trying to insert huge objects that I told her wouldn't fit and she thought it was because I'd been raped.

She put me on the Pill which I guess was the only real benefit to the exam. I'm only upset because instead of having a surgery scheduled, I have another appointment this time with the REAL doctor. Hopefully she'll be more helpful. I absolutely hate doing things without a purpose so this infuriates me. I just want to be fixed gosh darn it! 

I cried a little earlier because I'm frustrated. Sometimes being a woman really stinks. I just want this to be over not even to have sex or use tampons, just so I don't have to have this hanging over my head anymore. I've known about this problem for 4 years now and ever since, it's always been in the back of my mind.