#tbt Sneak a Peak of My Journal!!!

Ah, the teenage years. Seven years of glasses, acne, braces, and hormones. My teenage years are pretty well documented as I've kept a journal since I was a sophomore in high school. The last time I visited home, I brought back all of my old journals so I could read them. Besides giving me a good laugh, my journals give me a new sense of perspective. When you're fifteen (♩somebody tells you they loooove you, you're gonna believe them♬), there are certain situations you find yourself in that leave you believing that nothing could possibly be any worse than that day, week, or moment. It isn't until years later when you crack open the binding of an old journal are you able to see that everything turned out okay. 

As I put my journals away onto my bookshelf here in New Hampshire, I suddenly recalled that I had made an entry right after I discovered my septate hymen. Below, I'm sharing that entry with all of you. Please note the raw emotion and melodramatic undertones.

Ahhh, teen angst...

The denial is pretty apparent. "I mean, I could get that skin removed but ew no" really sums up my general feelings at the beginning. It makes me laugh now, almost 6 years later, because I really assumed that I would 1) never have to take care of it 2) that it would somehow break on its own and 3) that I would somehow still never be able to use tampons.

 In any case, I'm happy to be past 2009.

3 weeks.

It has been 3 weeks and 1 day since my surgery and I'm doing fine! I mean, it hurt when I peed for the first 2 days but since then it's been a breeze! At first, sitting in certain positions was a little uncomfortable but I mean, I never took any Advil or painkillers so I couldn't have asked for a better turnout!

On another note, the stitches have been falling out which was weird at first. I don't know how many sets there were but so far I've lost 2. My boyfriend was so sweet and looked at it a week and a half after surgery and it looked fine! It was open and I was so excited to see it looking like an actual vagina!

However, I looked at it today and it doesn't look like that at all...In fact it looks like it did before which is freaking me out. I still have a mental block because I still think of myself as being blocked. Getting over the whole mental block is going to be a struggle for sure. I had my period last week and tried using tampons and it hurt so bad so I had to stop.

I just hope that I can get over this mental block....

UTIs can go DIE.

I'm not in a good mood. In fact, I really haven't been since Friday afternoon. As many of you know, Friday morning was my last appointment before surgery. The appointment went well and I was feeling really positive. My doctor will be doing the surgery and she just gave me the basics on everything to expect. All of my questions/fears were answered/calmed and I was looking forward to being done on Monday!

However, based on the title I'm sure you can tell that something went wrong...and it did. When it rains, it pours and as an award winning script writer would write, it was raining that afternoon. My doctor called in the early afternoon. It all happened so fast. She told me I had a UTI and they would have to cancel the surgery. I was stunned. So stunned that I'm surprised I remembered the info about the antibiotic she prescribed. I hung up the phone, told my mother surgery was cancelled, and started to cry.

So now here I am. Sunday night. Bitter that if I didn't have this UTI I would be resting for my surgery tomorrow. I was put on an antibiotic that I take for 3 days. I have a retest on Tuesday in which I will cross my fingers and pray that I am UTI free.

I broke down in the shower. This journey has been such a roller coaster ride. There have been times I've wanted to get off right in the middle of the ride and there have been moments in which I have felt my stomach drop and have felt pure fear. It has been hard, I'm not going to sugar coat it. But thankfully, I have the most loving, kind, and supportive team ever.

Without them, I couldn't do any of this♥

Second Appointment!!!!!!!

So I'm sure you're wondering why I put 23984 exclamation points in the title. Well my fine female friends, that's because today was my appointment with the real doctor and it went SO WELL!!!!!

For starters, I didn't have time to be nervous because I was too worked up over my boyfriend leaving this morning. He came to visit Tuesday evening and stayed through 5am this morning. I always get super emotional when he leaves and by the time I had settled down, it was time for my 10:15 appointment with the gynecologist.

I was nervous driving there mostly because I didn't want a repeat of last visit. Last visit, I felt like I got nowhere which is the absolute worst feeling. We sat in the waiting room for a good 10 minutes which in my opinion, is the worst part. But soon enough, I was called to the back and assigned a tiny room where I was to sit and wait for the doctor.

Let me just say, I love my doctor which is a change for me because I usually hate them. She was so friendly and the first thing she said after saying hello was how her boyfriend had asked her if she'd gained weight after a July 4th BBQ! She was hilarious and then she turned on this monitor that was mounted to the wall and told me I could go online or watch TV while I waited! The best part is that she totally listened to what I said and put me at ease.

The actual exam part was the same. She promised me she wasn't going to put anything inside but when she was poking around it still hurt like crazy. She kept reassuring me that she was just touching, not inserting but I kept squirming and tensing my legs. But instead of giving up like the nurse she simply told me to make an appointment with a radiologist to get an ultrasound and then come back for a follow up which we will decide on surgery.

For those of you who aren't aware, sometimes people with septate hymens have septate uterus' which means I miiiight not be able to have kids of my own which not gonna lie, is a little depressing but I'll have to wait and see the results. I have my ultrasound appointment on the 10th and my follow up on the 26th.

As usual, I'll keep you all posted.

First visit? CHECK.

Phew! Well, I can officially say I've survived my first visit to the gynecologist! Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I mean I'm not gonna lie and say it was a walk through the park, but it wasn't the worst thing I've ever done.

Since it was my first visit, I had to do paperwork for a good 10-15 minutes beforehand. My handwriting sucked because I was shaky and nervous. After I filled all of that out, I went into the room with the nurse who took my blood pressure, height, and weight. After that, she left and I had to wait for the doctor. Waiting is the worst part but I got to wait fully clothed, which was quite pleasant. 

Turns out the doctor wasn't there so I had this lesbian nurse/midwife examine me. Honestly, I was super pissed because I told her from the start that I couldn't insert anything (i.e. finger, tampon, penis) and she proceeded to tell me she was going to examine me with a speculum and do a pap smear. I kindly had to remind her that nothing would fit because I tried endlessly with tampons but for whatever reason, she didn't seem to believe me. It actually took her trying to insert a finger and me jumping a foot and a half back in the seat in pain for her to realize that a full exam wasn't gonna happen. If only she had listened in the first place.... 

What also pissed me off was that after many failed attempts at insertion, she asked me if I had ever been abused or raped to which I was like, "Um, no." I was nervous because she was trying to insert huge objects that I told her wouldn't fit and she thought it was because I'd been raped.

She put me on the Pill which I guess was the only real benefit to the exam. I'm only upset because instead of having a surgery scheduled, I have another appointment this time with the REAL doctor. Hopefully she'll be more helpful. I absolutely hate doing things without a purpose so this infuriates me. I just want to be fixed gosh darn it! 

I cried a little earlier because I'm frustrated. Sometimes being a woman really stinks. I just want this to be over not even to have sex or use tampons, just so I don't have to have this hanging over my head anymore. I've known about this problem for 4 years now and ever since, it's always been in the back of my mind.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll visit the gyno tomorrow.

Holy crap I am freaking out even worse than last night if that's possible. I visit the gynecologist for the first time in 12 hours. I've been in the worst mood all day and my heart has been racing. I've wanted to talk to my mom all day and tell her how nervous I am but my sister was around all day, too, so I couldn't. I've been beside myself.

I'm trying to focus on the positives but it's so hard. I just keep saying to myself "be brave, be brave" and I'm hoping I start feeling it. I know I shouldn't be this nervous because it is only a consultation but I guess I'm just scared to bare it all for a stranger. That and the fact that after I walk out of there tomorrow I will have a surgery date scheduled. *deep breath*

Being a girl sucks.

Or, let me rephrase that, being a defective girl sucks.

(P.S. I hope some of you got the Annie reference in the title)

AHHHH I'M FREAKING OUT!!!!!

Okay, okay deep breaths. So it's currently 2:00am and I've been online researching my surgery for the past few hours. I texted my boyfriend earlier being all hysterical and dramatic. He didn't know why I was freaking out so badly seeing as my consultation isn't even until (technically) tomorrow. But what he, and I'm sure many others, don't understand is that I have extreme anxiety when it comes to doctors. I really can't pinpoint this fear specifically but the thought of the doctor, needles, blood, etc. instantly makes my heart race, my palms sweat, and my body cringe. Which is ironic because here I am, voluntarily going to the gynecologist.

This will be my first visit to the gynecologist and I am nervous for a plethora of reasons. The main one being that a stranger is going to be looking at my vagina. (Um, WHAT?) That alone is freaking me out. People on the web forums I've been religiously reading say it's not that bad but I'm still skeptical. I feel uncomfortable already and I'm fully clothed, curled up in my bed on my laptop.

I keep telling myself to be brave. I'm hoping that I can force myself to think of this as being a positive thing, as the first step to a sexual relationship. I keep telling myself that this will all be worth it soon and that someday I'll laugh...even though the only thing I want to do is scream and cry.